Plunge, Plunge, Plunge

Posted by Danny

We have toilet issues. They constantly clog. Seriously, I plunge potties multiple times each week, and this has been going on for years.

Now keep in mind there are two large, six-foot men living in this house. Our intestines are 25 feet long,  and we pack down some food. My favorite meal is my homemade bean dip: refried beans, cheddar cheese, ground beef and hot salsa. The girls and Jesse won’t even look at it. They claim it looks like it has already seen my colon.

I tell them that not all food looks appetizing. The kids’ favorite yogurt squirts out of a plastic tube and looks like pink snot. But you don’t hear me complaining. Why? Cause it tastes good!

I seldom see Jesse eat – but I know he does.  He often enters the house with a styrofoam cup from Cookout, Chargrill or Jersey Mike’s.  The man ain’t going hungry.  And the stuff hitting his stomach isn’t easy on the system.  I can assure you it’s coming out with a bang.

But are the clogs coming from Jesse and me?  Nah.  Out of the 8,672 times I’ve used a plunger in this house, not one – and I am not exaggerating, has been for someone of the male species.  All have been for little girls and usually just for pee. 

It has nothing to do with what’s coming out.  It’s about what they’re putting in there.  It’s all about the toilet paper! 

I swear they’re wiping with my t-shirts.  Like entire, large, possibly long-sleeved, Hanes for Men tees. 

I’m aggressive in my quest to be clean after a bathroom visit.  I understand not wanting to be all damp or squinchy down there.  But geez.  We go through toilet paper like a Chinese restaurant goes through rice.  I bought Proctor and Gamble stock years ago and have made a killing – because I’m keeping them in business!  (They make Charmin.)

I’ve decided to solve the issue. I will ration the toilet paper.  I’m going to buy a metal box and a combination lock where I’ll keep the loot.  If they need to go, they’ll have to come to me.  I’ll give them six squares.  That should be good for three wipes. 

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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9 Comments

  1. Mel ham

     /  February 1, 2012

    Charmin can create plumbing problems. it has been the culprit for clogging septic tanks. I know that the City of Raleigh is the receipient of the Raleigh Ham’s waste water…You may want to rethink your toilet stationery. We occasionally have plunging issues here too. How little bodies create issues in the bathroom still amazes me. I live it and have inspected enough elementary schools to know this is the 8th wonder of the world. I can only guess there is a regularity situation going on here. Now that cam is getting older there is less plunger activity around here. I hate to see those things in bathrooms…but I have known on atleast two occasions visiting somewhere that I wish there was one so I didn’t have to announce to that I needed it for myself. There is no way to walk back in a room and ease into conversation having to need one of those things…

    Reply
  2. Mom

     /  February 1, 2012

    Don’t mess with a female and her toilet tissue! We do not have equipment like you do and until you do, just buy the toilet tissue and plunge! Better still, buy a different commode. Don’t be messing with my girls toilet tissue. Mom

    Reply
  3. Wren

     /  February 1, 2012

    You & my sister must be related. No visit is free from this topic. :/ You might save money buying the flushable baby wipes. Just saying…and save your pipes. XO

    Reply
  4. Aunt Susan

     /  February 1, 2012

    Listen to your mom! listen to mel, go to costco and use their house brand, and spring for new ones! go to Lowes when they run a 12 month same as cash and buy new ones, you have an old house, then bite the bullit and hire a plumber! don’t wait for next christmas, and get your in-laws to buy them, just do it!
    Girls need good bathrooms.

    love ya, mean it!

    Reply
  5. As your friendly blog plumber, I agree with the comments above. Buy thinner ply TP and buy the offending bathroom a new toilet. Also teach the girls how to plunge a toilet. It is a necessary skill, really, for everyone to know.

    Only TP goes in a toilet!!! NOTHING ELSE!!! Even if it says flushable! Don’t do it!

    Reply
  6. Jean

     /  February 2, 2012

    Note to self…..when eating yogurt, DO NOT think of Danny’s description!!!!!

    Reply
  7. Aunt Susan

     /  February 2, 2012

    Jean, thanks for the reminder!

    Reply
  8. Pam D.

     /  February 18, 2012

    Hilarious……

    Reply
  9. kyle

     /  October 21, 2012

    do you have aney garls tolit plungers

    Reply

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