Hoo-ha

Posted by Danny

Stephanie came home last week after sitting through a presentation about reproduction at school. 

Dad:  “How was your field trip today to the Poe Center Stephanie?”

Stephanie:  “OMG.  It was awful.  They asked for volunteers to stand up and read from this book and the boys and girls were in the auditorium together.  It was so embarrassing to talk about penises and vaginas with the boys in the room.”

Jesse:  “What’s a vagina?”

Stephanie:  “You know what that is – it’s the girl’s private part.”

Jesse:  “Oh.  I thought that was your hoo-ha.”

Thank God he isn’t a doctor.  I can see it now:  “So, you’re experiencing some stinging in your vajayjay?  Let me take a look.”  Or, “It looks like a case of WD - Wee-wee dysfunction.  I got a little blue pill that will take care of that.“

We gave DJ “The Book” the summer after fifth grade.  I was eager to lead her through a thorough discussion.  As she read, I hovered, “Got any questions?  Understand that drawing?”

She was mortified. 

And Lisa?  Cool as a cucumber. 

“Leave this to me you goober.  You’re going to scar her for life.  Give her some space. “

Stephanie isn’t so lucky.  I had some immediate follow-up after dinner –

I remember Calista McGougan from my high school – Movin’ McGougan we called her.  She had a big personality and a couple of other big things too.    

She was the first girl I asked to “go with me” – it was 8th grade.  She gave me my first real kiss in the woods behind her house, her little brother and sister watching from behind an oak tree.  She clearly knew what she was doing, and I appreciated her tutelage.  We grew apart in high school – but apparently she grew closer to a number of other guys.

I’m hopeful that full disclosure, honesty and a father who works hard to help them understand how great they are will keep my girls from seeking acceptance in the wrong places.  And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Jesse to guide the way.

4 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 25, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Daughters, Hoo ha, Humor, Jesse, Sex Education
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 25, 2012

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Sunday Post 68: Yet Another One

Posted by Danny

It won’t stop. 

Virtually every single week someone else in my circle is stricken with cancer. 

Two weeks ago a friend at church passed on a prayer request:  a 36-year-old mother of three young boys had just been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.

Last week I was eating lunch at Pam’s Farmhouse and ran into an old friend.

“How ya’ getting along?” I casually asked after a great big hug.

“I’m struggling.  Cancer in my back, just like your wife.”

Shit.  Another one.

And this week, my neighbor who came to my house at 1:30 am to sit with my kids on February 24, 2009, when I headed to Duke to tell Lisa goodbye, has been taken to Hospice.  His cancer won’t stop – it’s finally beaten down one of the physically strongest men I know.

I used to hear about folks struggling with illness and toss-up a quick prayer.  In one ear, out the other.  The obligatory appeal to the man upstairs.

It had to be someone mighty close to me to register long-term in my mind.  I just didn’t get it.  I just couldn’t comprehend how cruel disease could be, how deeply one could hurt.

I guess I got a good dose of understanding.   And now that I know, now that I’ve been there, I feel their pain so deeply – so intensely.  Even those I’ve never met.

Maybe I liked it better before.  Maybe it was easier not knowing how deeply the wound could be.

Or maybe I’m better.  Not better emotionally, but a better person.  More able to empathize.  More able to feel.  More able to walk beside –

7 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 22, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Cancer, Faith, Grief, Inspiration, Spirituality, Sunday Post
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 22, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/sunday-post-68-yet-another-one/

Happy Birthday to You

Posted by Danny

As a kid I hated birthday parties.  Not mine – only the ones for others.

There was just something about them – one, my mom didn’t go with me.  Two, there were often people there I did not know.  I used to be pretty intimidated around strangers.

The boy across the street was a good guy.  He spent nearly the entire summer at our house – arriving before breakfast and leaving at dusk when my mother shooed him away.  His parents were older – his father owned a funeral home.  That, that in and of itself freaked me out.

In addition, his father had one leg.  As a child, I found that perplexing and bothersome. 

I was scared to death to go to my neighbor’s birthday party.  My friend loved red velvet cake – something in my mind combined the missing leg with the funeral home, blood and that cake.  I get the heebie geebies just thinking about it today.

At another birthday party near Halloween, I dressed up like Dracula.  The white makeup ran down my fake fangs as I cried my eyes out until my mom picked me up.  If I think about it hard, I can sort of taste the bitter flavor of K Mart face paint.

I don’t guess that I hate birthdays anymore.  I sort of enjoy eating cake and celebrating my friends and family.

We found out Lisa was sick about five months after her 39th birthday.  When I turned 40, she threw me a huge party – bar-b- q and a man playing a guitar in the backyard.  A couple hundred folks came out to wish me well.  I’d asked her if she wanted a party for her 40th.  “Nah.  What I’d really like is to take a trip with just you.”

That trip never came – she died a month before she would have turned forty.

And so today, on what would have been her 42nd birthday, I’ll remember the ones we had, and I’ll dream about the ones we didn’t.

4 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 18, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in birthday, Grief, Lisa
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 18, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/happy-birthday-to-you/

Sunday Post 67: Once, In A Very Blue Moon

Posted by Danny

I don’t exactly know what triggered it.  Maybe it was Easter.  Perhaps it’s her 42nd birthday this coming Wednesday.  Or maybe it was Jesse plunking out one of her favorite songs today on the piano, Once In A Very Blue Moon, by Nancy Griffith.  I’ve listened to it ten times in the past ten hours and every time I do, I cry.  Not just shedding a tear sort of crying, it’s the deep in your chest “I miss you” tears.

For some reason, I’ve fallen back today.  And that’s OK.  Makes me think of her – the things I liked.

She had the most beautiful voice, and yet I was the one who sang in the car.  But on occasion, a song like Nancy’s Blue Moon would gently begin, and she couldn’t stop herself.  I listened intently – hanging on every word.  It was one of those few moments in your life when you really stop and think about something that you absolutely love about someone else. 

Every time, every single time.

Her fingernails – I miss them too.  Always manicured, always strong.

I’d lay in bed, curled up beside her, and she’d scratch my head from neck to crown.  If I close my eyes, I can almost feel it.  That one slight movement of hand – love, security, warmth.

The facial expressions, seldom captured on camera, but still in my mind.  Occasionally they’re worn by one of the girls.

I was moving forward – a steady clip toward healing.  But once, in a very blue moon, I get knocked down to my knees again.

11 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 15, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Blue Moon, Lisa, Missing Mom, Nancy Griffith, Spirituality, Sunday Post
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 15, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/15/sunday-post-67-once-in-a-very-blue-moon/

The Weed Man Comes

MY backyard grass - it's all like that.

Side yard - it ain't easy being green!

Front yard - don't ya' just want to lie in it naked?

Posted by Danny

My grass looks FANTASTIC.  And when my grass looks FANTASTIC, I feel like the King.  My neighbors must be green with envy!

Every morning when I take the kids to school, I encourage them to look at the lush lawn before them.  As we drive through the winding neighborhoods that dot our trip to their higher education, I point out all of the yards that don’t look as good as mine.

“Look over there girls, C R A B G R A S S…”

“See those brown spots???”

“I bet they have sanspurs…”

After mowing on Sunday, I ran down to the basement to ask Jesse if he’d noticed my terrific turf.  Not looking up from his computer, he grunted. 

Jealousy does not become him.

And to top it off, my azaleas look like The Masters.

My yard, not The Masters!

I have to admit, I don’t do it all myself.  My secret?  The Weed Man comes and fertilizes every other month.  Yep, I contract it out.

I sort of feel like I’ve had yard plastic surgery.  Once my father-in-law harassed me for having a lawn company take care of my weeds.  “Don’t waste your money like that – a real man takes care of his own weeds.”  Guess who also hired a weed guy?

I was with True Green for a while.  They should be named False Brown.  I don’t know what they put on my yard – I think it may have been rice.  Whatever it was, my weeds were more healthy than Jack Lalanne – well, before he died.

I aerated my yard two years ago on my own.  The aerator is shaped like a lawn mower but weighs six tons. 

You press a gear on the handle and the damn things starts darting through your grass like a tractor-trailer - poking holes in the ground as it goes.  There’s no pushing an aerator – it’s sort of like being tied to an angry bull.

I felt like a cartoon character – hand griping the handle, feet dragging along behind, body in full slant toward the ground.

And after all of that work, and all of the money to buy the seed, I had nothing but dirt by late March. 

But not anymore!  The Weed Man cometh and The Weed Man taketh away (the weeds that is!)

Lawn of the month, here I come!

10 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 11, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Azaleas, Grass, The Weed Man, Yard
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 11, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/the-weed-man-comes/

Sunday Post 66: Sacrifice

Posted by Danny

I really think that if given the opportunity, I would have traded places with Lisa. Maybe that sounds valiant or maybe ridiculous. Perhaps if it came down to it, I wouldn’t have had the courage.

I think though, that I loved her enough to have tried to battle the cancer myself. And although I think I’ve done well with the girls, I’m not so sure that in the long run they wouldn’t have been better off with their mom. She just knew so much more about females than I.

If only I had been given that chance.

There is also no doubt in my mind that if given the option of dying or losing one of my kids, I would choose death – in…a…minute. That is not a selfless choice. I could not live through another loss of someone I care so deeply for. Selfishly, I’d rather die than to feel that level of pain again.

For those of us who are Christians, today is a special day. We believe that God cared so much for us that he allowed His son to die a cruel and painful death as the punishment for our sins.

It sounds ridiculous. He is God. Why couldn’t He have come up with another way, a less painful way, to pay for our mistakes? He could have sent a yearly plague, a good dose of locust for atonement. That would have hurt Him a whole lot less. He could have sacrificed one of us each year (yea – I saw The Hunger Games last week). No. Instead, he made the ultimate sacrifice – his child.

Imagine – just imagine allowing your kid to be hung on a cross with nails, a crown of thorns shoved down on his head. Picture that.

And what if you had the power to keep that from happening? Even if that sacrifice could save the world, I would not allow it. No way.
At times I really struggle with that concept. It’s more than I can fathom.

Regardless of your specific religious beliefs, the idea of a loving, graceful God has to be comforting. With my sinful self, it gives me the hope I need to keep trudging through this sometimes difficult life.

7 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 8, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Easter, Inspiration, Spirituality, Sunday Post
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 8, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/sunday-post-66-sacrifice/

Outward Bound!

Posted by Danny

DJ is on an Outward Bound trip in the North Carolina mountains.  Yep, three nights in the woods with only a tarp over your head.  The packing list included bandanas – for wiping.  She was told after you use them you tie them on your backpack so it will dry before the next time you need to go.  I imagine she won’t need to wipe much.  If she’s like me in a situation like that, her colon will go on strike.

She also has to sit in the forest for four hours, alone – no book, no iPod, no nothing.  Just trees, rocks, dirt and her brain.  Four hours is a long time by yourself in the woods.  Maybe her guardian angel will be looking after her.

I wish I enjoyed nature more than I do.  I long to be excited about doing something that requires me to have a pair of those pants than unzip at the knees.  What are those for?  I guess you’d use them if you were hiking and suddenly came upon a creek.  “Whew.  Good thing I can unzip the bottom of my pants.  I’ll just put those boogers in my backpack and they won’t get wet.  Damn, I forgot my water shoes.”  Nah – not me.  I either wear pants or shorts – nothing in between!  And I only want one zipper in my pants - way above the knees.

My level of hiking only requires flip-flops and a pair of gym shorts with a draw string.

The girls and I used to camp with our YMCA Indian Princess tribe.  These other dads would get all pumped about sleeping in the woods. 

“I’ll bring a Coleman stove,” one would offer.

“I’ve got an axe for wood,” another would pitch in.

“I’ll bring my truck, and we can throw our tents in there.”

“Danny, what can you bring?”

“My daughter, flip-flops and gym shorts.”

I had nothing.  You could not find a working flashlight in my house if your life depended on it.  

The only thing I contributed to the Y Princess campouts were scary stories.  On time when DJ was in first grade, we stayed in a cabin at Camp Kanata in Wake Forest, NC.  The bathroom was an outhouse about 25 yards from the cabin. 

About 10 pm, one of the dads started rounding up the girls for their last pee break before bedtime.  So, I snuck to the privy, and shut the door.  After tucking toilet paper in the back of my pants, around my neck and into my socks, I quietly waited for the crew.  As I heard them approach, I ran screaming out of the outhouse – “The Potty Monster, The Potty Monster!  He’s in the toilet!  He’s coming this way – run children, run!”

Most of them did pee, but it was in their pants.

To this day DJ’s 9th grade friends who were on that trip ask me if I’ve had a visit from the Potty Monster lately.

I assured DJ he would not be on their trip.  Apparently there are no potty’s there for him to spring out of!

8 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 4, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Bathroom, Camping, Dad, DJ, Humor, Outward Bound, Potty Monster, The Potty Monster
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 4, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/outward-bound/

Sunday Post 65: Launching Your Legacy

Posted by Danny

Last week I spoke at the Jr. League of Raleigh’s monthly meeting.  Me and 300 women – a dream come true.

Their theme this year is Launch Your Legacy.  This is an excerpt from what I shared with them:

Two years ago, I didn’t think much about legacy.  I mean, I knew what it meant to leave a legacy – but I was more concerned about how much money I was making, weather NC State made it to the NCAA Tournament, or if there was beer in the fridge; you know, important stuff like that.

And then, on February 24, 2010, my wife, Lisa, died. 

It was a short illness – we found out she had colon cancer Labor Day weekend, 2009.  We were going to be strong, we were going to fight it.  I fully believed that we would be the poster child of the family who would kick stage 4 cancer’s butt.  In fact, the night she died, I still had hope – that she would begin breathing on her own – a miraculous, wonderful story.  That would be her legacy – a strong woman who conquered cancer.  We would write a book and go on Oprah –

But I was wrong.  That was not her legacy.

On the day of her funeral, as I walked with my three daughters to the service, there were people lined up in the hallway.  They were being escorted to rooms further back in the church because there wasn’t any more room to sit in the sanctuary.  More than 1,300 people attended Lisa’s Memorial.

I’m sure some may have come out of curiosity or because she died at the age of 39.  But as I listened to those who shared thoughts about her that day, and as I looked around at the faces in the crowd, it dawned on me:  most of these people are here because Lisa made a difference in this world. 

She left a huge legacy, one I’m so very proud of.

I then shared how Lisa had made her mark on our church, the school where she worked, the Jr. League, and most of all my kids.

Sometimes I wonder if my legacy will be the guy who complained about what wasn’t right with life.  Or maybe the guy who agreed to do everything and then complained when he had to follow through.  Perhaps my legacy will be passing on my ability to worry over stuff I have absolutely no control over.  Wouldn’t those be memorable?

Nah – Lisa’s example has me working hard.  I want to be sure that when I die someone out there says, “That Danny Tanner, he made a difference in this world.  He made a difference to me.”

I have some strategies and ideas – starting with my girls.  But some of my dreams of what I could do are grand!  Maybe one day I’ll get there.  Or maybe I’ll leave my legacy on the journey and not even fully know it.

11 Comments
by Danny Tanner on April 1, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Jr. League, Legacy, Sunday Post
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Posted by Danny Tanner on April 1, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/sunday-post-65-launching-your-legacy/

Are you having fun yet?

  

Posted by Danny

I was at a party last month and someone came up to me and said, “Our family just needs to have more fun – like yours does.” 

I thought that was pretty  cool.  A family who has had tremendous sadness over the past few years is seen as a family who laughs and has fun.  Well, we do.  Do you?

This is a pic from our monthly family dinners.  All are themed.  January was my neice’s 1st birthday, so we all wore pink in her honor.  Then we went to the movies – without changing clothes.  No one said anything, but I’m sure some of the North Hills patrons thought we were weird.  Who cares?  We were having fun.

In March, we celebrated my nephew’s 3rd birthday.  He wanted a marching band – so we obliged.  Sam was our base drummer:

 I wanted to be the Drum Major but my pants kept falling down so no one wanted to follow me:

I thought Jesse looked more like a creepy magician.  I was afraid of what he might pull out of his hat:

My mother-in-law even recreated her majorette costume from high school – boots and hat vintage 60′s:

DJ razzed her about the length of her skirt – what goes around, comes around Nana.

Fun really isn’t difficult.  My girls and I get into wet sponge fights some nights as we clean up the kitchen.  Nothing makes me prouder than Michelle nailing me in the head with a suds filled dish rag.

My parents plan elaborate family B-I-N-G-O games, with prizes, when we’re with them.  They have also exposed my kids to 1950′s musicals – a tradition started by my grandparents. 

Sometimes we just look through old picture books and recant happy memories with mom – like the time she scheduled a personal family tour of Disney World with Peter Pan and Tinkerbell.

A tiny bit of creativity and full participation from the crowd can turn a humdrum night into a memory.  And I can attest to the fact that the memories are sometimes all we have.

5 Comments
by Danny Tanner on March 28, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Extended family, Family, Fun, Humor
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Posted by Danny Tanner on March 28, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/are-you-having-fun-yet/

Sunday Post 64: Valuing Others

Posted Danny

Tonight one of Stephanie’s best friends is spending the night.  She’s black.

Big deal, huh?

I hadn’t thought much about it.  But tonight as I was sitting on my couch, I read an African-American mother’s thoughts on the shooting of Trayvon Martin in Sanford, Fla.  It made me glad that my kids have friends who don’t look just like them.

I just don’t get it.  How does this happen?  A community watch volunteer shoots and kills a kid holding a bag of Skittles.  There is something awfully wrong here. 

I fear that many of these situations come less from true danger and more from bias and prejudice. 

I am fortunate.  I think I’ve spent so much time with people from so many backgrounds through my work at the Y that I have a little less fear than many.  I’ve spent a great deal of time with people rich and poor, black and white, gay and straight.  Some of them are mean, but most are not.  A few are scary – but only a few.  The ones who give me the hardest time are typically the ones who look the most like me.

But I am not perfect.  I’ve made assumptions about others based purely on their exterior.  Maybe that’s human nature.  But it’s wrong.  

I can’t stop the violence.  I can only work on me.

I can fight making assumptions -

I can nod or smile when I walk by someone, even if he doesn’t wear bow ties and his skin isn’t lily white -

I can teach my kids that everyone is important, that everyone is equal, and that I love and accept them for who they are -

I can put a stop to judgments of others in my house -

And I can put value on the time I spend with those who aren’t just like me -

That’s what I can do.

10 Comments
by Danny Tanner on March 25, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Sunday Post
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Posted by Danny Tanner on March 25, 2012

http://therealfullhouse.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/sunday-post-64-valuing-others/

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