Hamster For Sale

Posted by Danny

Not only are we not a pancake family, but we are also not an animal family.  I did have animals when I was growing up.  Our last dog was Booger.  My parents let me name him.  I was in 8th grade.  I thought it would be funny to hear my parents say the word booger.  And even better, my genteel mother yell, “Here Booger Booger, Booger, Booger!” from our back doorstep when it was time for his dinner. 

My mother in-law felt sorry for our kids, who had been pleading with us for some form of pet, so she gave the girls an aquarium for Christmas one year.  Fish I could handle.  We filled the tank but quickly realized that they were disappearing.  Finally, one fish was left, Mary.  She had been eating her friends.  I started calling her Velma Barfield (Death Row Granny back in the early 80’s).  When she finally died, the kids fought over who got to flush her down the toilet.  There were tears everywhere.  I finally let a visiting friend push the handle.  “If I can’t flush my own fish when she dies, I never want another one,” one replied. 

 “You’re breaking my heart baby, you’re breakin’ my heart.”

Lisa eventually caved and bought a guinea pig.  It had brown and white patches all over.  We named him JW – for some reason Lisa thought he looked like John Wayne.  The kids lost interest in the pig on day 7.  He seldom left his cage after that first week and grew to be the size of a small dog.  I pushed, pulled, prodded and reminded about feeding him and occasionally changing his urine filled cage.  He was the bain of my existence.  We’d had him three or four years when he died.  It was last spring, not long after Lisa’s passing.  I came home and there he was, stiff as a board.  I was concerned about the girls’ reaction to his death.  Would it be too much after all they’s been through?  When they got home, I delivered the news.  Michelle looked at him, said, “That’s gross!” and immediately ran up to her room to play with her dolls.  Stephanie said, “I ain’t touching him.”  DJ’s response?  “Now can I get a hamster?”  I think they were ok.

I carried him to the yard and dug a hole.  It was a big hole and took some time.  And the person who cleaned his cage, complained about his smell, and threatened to give him away?  What was my response to JW’s passing?  I, yes Danny Tanner,cried like a little baby.  In defense of my manhood, I would argue that I was just not emotionally together at that time.  That’s my justification; I hope it is true. 

Bites like a doberman pinscher

Our current pet is a hamster.  Stephanie received Miss Piggy last Christmas.  Lisa agreed to it – now I am raising it.  A week after Santa delivered this neat gift, Stephanie ran to our bedroom at 2 am sobbing.

“Mom, Dad, something bit me.”

“What?”

“Something bit my nose.”

“Stephanie, nothing bit your nose.  It’s 2 am.  You had a nightmare.  Do you want to crawl in bed with us for a little bit?”

“My nose is bleeding” she wailed.

I turned on the light and sure enough, there was a bite mark on her nose and a bit of blood.  What in the heck could it be?  The hamster is locked tight in a cage.  Could it be a rat?  Perhaps a squirrel?   As much as I wanted to turn over and fall back to sleep, with two other kids, I had to go check things out.

I grabbed a fly swatter and headed to Stephanie’s room.  I’ll be danged if that hamster hadn’t maneuvered out of the cage, scaled down a three-foot dresser, scurried across the floor, climbed up the bed skirt and bitten Stephanie on the right nostril!  And yet, she was nowhere to be found.  I shut the door, stuffed a towel under the bottom and returned to bed. 

“Lisa, you’re not going to believe this one…”

And like JW, that was one of the last times Miss Piggy came out of her cage. 

A friend came over Friday evening with his son.  The boy headed to the basement.  Next thing I know, blood.  Jesse tried to take Miss Piggy out of her cage on Monday to entertain our housekeeper’s grandson, Miss Piggy bit him too (he hasn’t admitted that he was dumb enough to pick Miss Piggy up, but Julie told me.)

So, for a very reasonable price, you, yes you, can have a biting hamster.  I’ll even deliver her at no extra charge.

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12 Comments

  1. BC

     /  January 21, 2011

    Haha…Tempting, but no 🙂

    Reply
  2. Mom

     /  January 21, 2011

    I still think turning him loose at the pet store door is the answer. He could then teach all of the other animals how to escape, how to bite, and how to aggravate your owners until they let you go. He’s some smart JW.

    Reply
  3. Barbara Rogers

     /  January 21, 2011

    What would I do without my “Danny Tanner Fix” every day? Yes, I’m hooked!!! Thanks for brightening my days with your touching, heart-warming, and always entertaining posts!!! God bless the whole family!

    Reply
  4. Dad

     /  January 21, 2011

    Your mother is a Gentile we will all admit…being baptist this is a good thing. However she is also genteel and gentle. Which would you prefer? I think I’ll go with the Genteel although at most times she is also gentle…especially when handling rabid hamsters!

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  January 21, 2011

      No Uncle Jesse to proof last night. Got it fixed. I am not the speller.

      Reply
  5. Charlotte Gregory

     /  January 21, 2011

    YOU WOULDN’T DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would show a very poor understanding and appreciation of the enormous effort and expense I went to last weekend to make Ms. Piggy a healthier, happier hamster. This biting problem is nothing a good pair of leather gloves, patience, and some treats can’t cure. That hamster better be there next time I come to town. Do you hear me Danny???????

    Reply
  6. Melanie Walker

     /  January 22, 2011

    With the circulation of this blog, I do not understand why there haven’t been any takers. Such a good sales pitch, too.

    Reply
  7. i made the mistake of making a very bad bet over math grades improving and now have two guinea pigs living in our home. Turns out this duo doesn’t like pellet food so they are eating fresh veggies twice a day. I find it fairly hysterical that they are eating far better than anyone else in house. Good thing is we don’t run out of food because no one is going to touch the Kale and Cilantro the piggies can’t get enough of.

    Reply

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