Tights? Hose?

Michelle's tights. None of these fit anyone in this house.

Posted by Danny

When Lisa and I got married, I assumed we would merge our checking accounts.  My parents always had one account so I thought that’s how you did it.  I perceived some issues with a full merger.  I balanced my checkbook to the penny.  She balanced her checkbook each decade.  At one point she told me she had an extra $1,000 in her account that she just couldn’t account for.  It didn’t bother Lisa, she just called that her slush fund in the event she ever went below a zero balance.  When she died, she had $10,000 in her checking account…about $9,000 more than what her paper register showed.

I thought I would come into the marriage and enlighten her on finances, coming to her rescue.  What I quickly learned was that she did not want to be rescued or enlightened.  She was fine with her accounting measures.  She didn’t care that she had no idea how much money was in her account.  If the teller machine said there was $2,000 in there, that was fact.  It didn’t matter how many checks she’d written that were outstanding or what bills were coming up.  And I’ll have to admit that she did not once overdraw her account and she ALWAYS paid her credit card off at the end of each month. 

It sort of hurt my feelings that she did not want my help with her finances.  When I pressed her on why she didn’t want to merger our accounts, she said, “If I go spend $60 on hose at Belk, I don’t want you asking why I spent $60 on hose at Belk.”  And that was that.  For years I’d wondered if you could really spend $60 on hose.  In the past year, I have been enlightened on tights. 

*If you need a pair of white tights, you only have black, pink or gray.  If you need a pair of black tights, you only have white, pink or gray.

*There is a difference between white tights and off white tights.  One is whiter than the other.

*They never fit; but if four people pull on a pair long enough from different sides, a size 2T will fit a 13 year old.

*After you stretch them, they fit…until you get to church.  Then they shrink back to their 2T size and the crotch dangles around the ankles.

*When wearing tights, children often dig at their crotcheal region.  Hands up and under their skirts with no regard for where you are or who is around.

*You cannot wear a pair of tights for more than 37 minutes without developing a hole, rip, run or tear.

*When you wear tights, you are more prone to falling in parking lots and bleeding.  I don’t know why, but it is a fact.

(I am not sure if there is a difference between tights and hose.  From my perspective, they are the same thing.  However, I think women call them hose and girls call them tights.  Maybe girls call them tights because they are tight.  If women called them tights it might imply that they have big legs or something.  Again, I don’t know.  But I’m fairly sure they are the same thing.)

I do not think that females between the ages of 13 and 65 wear tights or hose.  Under 13, your parents make you put them on; when you reach 13, you simply refuse to wear them.  Over 65 you need the support.  That is why you see so many bare legged young to middle aged women in February.

I am thankful that I am a man.

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  1. Barbara McDowell

     /  January 26, 2011

    Just so you are clear on this, there is a difference between tights and hose. Hose are usually thin and sheer no matter what shade. Tights are thicker and actually warmer than hose and most of the time cost more.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  January 26, 2011

      Are you serious?

      • Sarah LF

         /  January 26, 2011

        Yes, pantyhose or “hose” are silky, sheer, get runs in them easily, etc.

        Tights are not “tight” per se. Who knows why they’re called that. When you think about tights think of a ballerina. They’re usually a solid color and they’re MOSTLY opaque but some can be translucent. But never transparent.

        Here is what Wikipedia says:
        Pantyhose (also called tights in the United Kingdom) are sheer, close-fitting legwear, covering the body from the waist to the feet…made of nylon or silk.

        In American English, the difference between pantyhose and tights is determined in the weight of the yarn used and the thickness to which the garment is knitted. Generally, anything up to 40 denier* is known as pantyhose and anything over can be classified as tights.

        There are many sub-classifications of tights/pantyhose that describe the precise construction (such as control top, seamless, support). Although most tights are mainly nylon or cotton, lycra is normally included in modern blends to improve fit.

        *Denier is a unit of measure for the linear mass density of fibers.

      • Danny Tanner

         /  January 26, 2011

        We just got back from Denier. I had the crabcake sandwich.

        I’m more confused than ever.

  2. Beth T.

     /  January 26, 2011

    And then there were jeggings. Who knows what category those things fit into. Bless their jegging hearts.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  January 26, 2011

      Oh my lord, not another option!!! Do those go in the pants drawer or the tights drawer?

      • Sarah LF

         /  January 26, 2011

        Jeggings are leggings (footless tights) that look like denim. Jeans + leggings = jeggings. I recommend not buying them. (I mean, have you seen them? Ick.) Then you don’t have to worry what drawer to put them in.

  3. Leigh

     /  January 28, 2011

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. As the mother of 3 girls, I can totally relate! I’m glad I found this sight. I’ll be back to check in. In case you are wondering who I am, I worked with Lisa for many years at St. Tim’s. I currently find myself in a position that she would have conquered with ease. Wish I had her wisdom!

    And your other friend is totally right about the jeggings.

  4. April (Calvin) Poole

     /  January 31, 2011

    Solution for the problem?! Always wear slacks!

  5. mrsockmansweden

     /  July 4, 2017

    Sell me your dirty tights / socks ? I buy dirty ladies and girls socks! I pay a good price !

  1. Help Wanted: Sock Wrangler « The Real Full House

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