Posted by Danny
Hell is not hot. It is cold. It is not below us; it is southwest of Raleigh. It is in Concord, NC. It is…The Great Wolf Lodge.
I am in a wonderful program run through the YMCA, the Y Princess Program. It is a father child program that is similar to scouting; however, the father and child are required to participate in all activities together. We have ten fathers and their daughters and we camp, participate in service projects, and earn patches for our tribal vests. Each person in the tribe chooses an Indian name. Mine is Screamin’ Hambone. Michelle is T. Bird.
We are supposed to camp each year to earn a patch. My fellow fathers decided they did not want to camp this year, probably because last year we camped in the middle of a swamp in Halifax County. The bathroom, where you slept, and where you ate, were one in the same. So someone suggested we go to The Great Wolf Lodge. It is an indoor water part north of Charlotte.
This is what we do without wives.
It started innocently enough. We met for breakfast at the Cracker Barrel near the airport. A nice creamer and syrup pyramid. We arrived at The Lodge at 1 and I’ve been one big chill bump ever since. Someone told me it would be warm in the water park. That person is a liar. They say the water is heated. That is a lie. It’s a bit warmer than lake water in February in Montreal, but I suspect that is only because of the volume of pee from the 13,800 children floating around me in the giant wave pool.
It’s like a swimming flash mob.
There are people here wearing bathing suits that show me things that I don’t want nor need to see. One woman was wearing the same size bikini as Michelle. And yet she was the same size as Ethel Merman. She leaned over and I saw everything from the waist up. I mean EVERYTHING. She caught my eye. I sort of shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “It happens…” I quickly dove under water which only made me colder – but it seemed my only option at the time.
There is a really neat slide called The Canyon. You walk up 84 (I counted them) stairs and get on a large raft (sits four). The 24 second ride is tremendous. Want to ride again? No problem. It’s only 84 steps away. For some reason I did not feel a need to jog this afternoon.
I did see a really interesting tattoo of The Mona Lisa surrounded by a burning bush. And the calf it was painted on looked like Popeye’s.
I’m not a nut about crowds. I am not a nut about standing in line – especially with my shirt off while I’m dripping wet and the air temp is 62 degrees. I did not like other people’s rafts rubbing up against my body in line. It made me uncomfortable. I do not like buffets – too many people breathing on my food. This is like a big Golden Corral of water rides.
They do provide towels and they’re clean. They use so much bleach that it’s sort of like drying off with a hairbrush. My friend said the towels have a dual purpose: they dry you off and act as an exfoliator.
I act as if I was miserable the entire time and that’s not exactly true. There are some good points about The Lodge. It’s reasonably priced and there is a lot to do. Plus, it’s not far from Raleigh and they serve beer at the pool (I imagine if you drank enough, you’d warm up quite well). I love this group of guys as I have in all three of my Y Princess tribes. It’s worth the trip for that. Michelle had a blast – we were actually the last ones to leave today. But the best thing about this weekend? I got to be a big chill bump for thirty hours with one of my favorite people on this earth. Man, I love that child!
The Real Fuller House 
evelyn lichti
/ January 31, 2011Hey, Danny: Thanks for keeping us posted on what’s happening w/ your girls. Thank the Lord, they have you – a loving, caring Dad. You are continually remembered in prayer. God Bless! Love Evie
Thunderbear
/ January 31, 2011Going to get right on the phone and make my reservation! You know it makes a person, such as myself, find comfort in the fact that there are others out there who share the same phobias when hanging around large crowds of people around water and food—I like my own personal space and a nice big shirt! Yet some how the smile and laugh of your little girl makes it all go away—nothing else at that moment exists or even matters but her—you’re a great Dad Screaming Hambone!
Danny Tanner
/ January 31, 2011How! How!
Dotty
/ January 31, 2011Somehow I am able to visualize all of this, sort of reminds me of your rituals when we would go water skiing. Remember, slowly dipping your way in the water, ooh, too cold, then finally going under, fixing the hair, wiping the nose, not once, not twice, but at least 3-4 times then finally putting both hands on the handle and saying hit it, only to have to wipe the nose one last time. Finally being pulled out of the water and last but not least fixing the bathing suit and hair one more time! Fun times then and sharing more of those fun times with your girls!
Love ya like a brother Screaming Hambone!
Danny Tanner
/ January 31, 2011You’d be proud that I got up on one ski several times last summer. I still got it Dot Face!
Moose
/ February 1, 2011Danny,
How-How. I do not think the Great Wolf Lodge counts for an overnight camping trip patch. I do however think you qualify for a purple bear claw for your temporary blindness courtesy of Mrs. Merman. Regardless, I am glad the tribe had a great time.
Uncle Jesse
/ February 1, 2011HaHA Danny…you just lost your tribe a patch by yapping about your “camping” trip.
Danny Tanner
/ February 1, 2011Stop commenting on my work and write a post of your own you slacker!