Help Wanted: Sock Wrangler

Suprise, suprise, a sock on DJs floor






Posted by Danny

For two weeks I took pictures of stray socks I found that belonged to various members of our family.  I’ll have to give Jesse credit, I did not find any of his – although I’m not even sure he wears socks so that could be the explanation. 

I have decided to hire a full-time staff member to help wrangle the socks.  This is the ad I’ll be placing in the News and Observer, our local paper, next week. 

Help Wanted:  Sock Wrangler

Under the supervision of the Dad and occasionally the part-time housekeeper and in cooperation with Uncle Jesse, the Sock Wrangler will oversee all hosiery in the Tanner home.  The position requires a baccalaureate undergraduate degree from an accredited college or university in Home Economics, criminology, private I’ing, matchingstuffology, findingstuffology or a related field as well as a minimum of 5 years experience in hunting those little boogers down!  This position requires an understanding of and a commitment to the Tanner Family’s desire to have matching socks seven days per week for each family member.

The position requires that the incumbent be innovative (they could be anywhere!!), diligent in the search and friendly as he/she goes about her work.  He/she must be passionate about finding matches and relentless in the  pursuit of missing apparel.  He/she must be exceedingly organized, be a self-starter and able to work with minimal supervision.  He/she is welcome to yell at family members who leave socks in inappropriate places.

Responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • Find socks
  • Find their matches
  • Crawl under stuff, including washers, dryers, sinks, Tupperware cabinets, cars, and the house
  • Fold socks and have an innate ability to determine which ones belong to each child – (because they are all the same size and look identical, but my children have an emotional connection to each pair which means they MUST be returned to the original owner)
  • Make decisions on tossing items that have gigantic holes in them or are stretched out to the point that they could fit Charles Barkley
  • Must know the difference between tights and hose and be able to articulate that difference to all in the house
  • Purchase new socks (never spending over $60)

Must be able to see and distinguish between different colors/styles/patterns or thread count.  Ability to crawl, squat, lift heavy furniture, sift through dust bunnies, stoop, kneel, stand, walk, pull and push a must.  Ability to adapt to change quickly.  Occasional travel (to Target) may be necessary.

The top 10 finds this past week:

Number 1:  The dining room chair – that’s just gross.  At least they weren’t on the table.

Number 2:  In Uggs of many colors.  And we haven’t worn Uggs for weeks.

Number 3:  Under Michelle’s bedroom door. 

Number 4:  Inside out – more work for dad.

Number 5:  On living room furniture – but it’s a matched pair!!!

Number 6:  Bathroom floor – last thing on before the shower?  I bet underwear are close by.

 Number 7:  It’s not just a home thing – even on vacation…sock in DC.

Number 8:  Oh, those are mine.

Number 9:  Isn’t it pretty with the rug?  Maybe she couldn’t see it.

Number 10:  Oh my lord, they’re in a drawer!

Leave a comment


  1. Mel Ham

     /  May 23, 2011

    I see those pig socks in the pix. Those look like favorites..I have a pair..I forgot…gonna wear’em today!

  2. Helen

     /  May 23, 2011

    If it’s any consolation, Danny, I live in a house full of guys and this sounds VERY familiar!

  3. You’ve got it right! I think they breed but NEVER have twins. Pesky littly things.

  4. B

     /  May 23, 2011

    Does it pay more than teaching???????????? Hmm, might apply for this position.

  5. If it pays anything I’ll take the position, I don’t get paid anything for picking up all the lost socks, dirty socks, clean socks, etc.. …..

  6. I am applying for the afore mentioned job.
    I have 22+ years experience with 5-10 years on tights and hose.
    Employer must pay relocation expenses.
    Employer must make up pay for differences in cost of living if applicable.
    Employer must give 5 year guaranteed contract.
    Wood crafting “gifts” for employer as a “bonus”.
    Plumbing – negotiable!
    Also kind of handy in other areas.
    Can start as soon as house is sold and new housing is purchased.
    References: 6 kids – 4 boys and 2 girls and 1 wife need I say more!?
    I am a friendly butt kicker to the max!
    I enjoy music and especially like to sing.
    Let the negotiations begin!

    • Danny Tanner

       /  May 23, 2011

      can your family fit into an 800 sq ft basement?

      • With access to the rest of the house!
        But I don’t know how my wife would be with 2 other men in the house. You guys might have to move out!

  7. Aunt Susan

     /  May 23, 2011

    well I was thinking about this position, you know the respect teachers get in this state, but the $60.00 budget for new socks just isn’t going to cut it. Not nearly enough to be fashionable, what about the tights and hose budget?

    May I suggest you invest in sock grippers? They cannot escape from those! I use them all the time!

  8. This cracked me up. I especially like the ones on the patterned rug. I find a lot of our socks outside. When we got the kids, they came with white Hanes socks with a different color “Hanes” embroidering for each kid (#1 had blue, #2 had red, etc). Now they refuse to wear white, but moreover, they refuse to wear matching pairs. So at least we’re not tracking down lost mates. For some reason, all my socks end up in #4’s bed.

  9. Lisa Messick

     /  May 24, 2011

    Its funny to see the journey that the pink pair made through the photos, from a piece of furniture, to the floor, and finally in the drawer. I am convinced that socks mutiply…like the creature in the Gremlin movie. But, the best way to make them disappear I’ve found is to wash them. Because, for every 2/3 pairs that go in, one sock doesn’t make it out. The lonely sock without a mate goes into the “sock bag” until a surrogate mate comes along.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  May 26, 2011

      I too have a single sock bag where the lonely ones wait in anticipation for their mate to return!

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