Posted by Danny
I often find my most spiritual times in the car alone. Last week was no exception.
Sunday night I dropped the girls off at Lake Gaston for the first week of summer. I’m smart enough to know that although I will miss them, time away to recharge – for all of us – is healthy. Because of a dance rehearsal, we didn’t get to the lake house until 11 pm and I had about a two-hour drive home after that.
As I hit the back roads on my journey home, I turned off the ipod and began to pray.
God, what’s this all about? Can you use this situation for good? What do you want me to do? Is it writing? Speaking? Spending time with others suffering from loss? What do you have in store?
God, prove to me that she’s OK. I need concrete proof. Show me! (I realized and admitted that my request was evidence of a lack of faith – but I think He allows me that space.)
God, let me talk to her – a dream, anything.
As the drive progressed, I turned my music back on and my mind drifted to other things.
About 20 minutes later, one of my favorite songs came on. It’s a Kenny Chesney song, Out Last Night. For the first ten years of our marriage, I cracked on Lisa for her affinity for country music. I was not a fan and had no intention of becoming one. But my diligent wife ignored my resistance. “You’ll like this one,” she’d say in a convincing tone. With Kenny, she was right.
I sang aloud, glad that I was alone. My ipod was on shuffle so the next song could have been Kanye West or the Cheeta Sisters. Instead, it was another country tune Lisa had shared with me – Roll With Me by Montgomery Gentry, another of my favorites. A smile came across my face. I knew all of the words and again, I sang as loud as I could, a Nashville star in the making.
When Back When I Knew It All, another Gentry tune and Lisa recommendation, randomly followed, I started laughing. A unexplicable peace filled my soul right on I-95 South. Loud bursts of laughter paired with uncontrollable tears overtook me. I felt a connection with something I could not see. I continued to sing – my hand outstretched searching for hers – like so many times before.
As the song came to a close I wondered if this had just been a fluke.
The next song was not country. It was by Mariah Carey – Touch My Body. It has sort of mature theme but I really like the tune. Unfortunately, I was not very discreet when I played it and one time when it came on in the car and my good wife was in the passenger seat, Michelle started singing all of the lyrics at the top of her voice. Boy, did I get a lecture! “You’ve been playing this song in the car with our six-year-old? What if she starts singing ‘touch my body’ on the St. Timothy’s School playground? What are you thinking?”
It took two notes for me to recognize the tune. The laughter was louder and contentment filled me. There aren’t any other four songs that had more meaning to Lisa and to me than these.
Did God answer my request? Was I truly connecting with Lisa? Was this His proof?
Or am I just wishful or crazy? Searching for something to grasp on to.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. But tonight a friend told me to just accept it and be thankful for the joy it brought for that short period of time. I think I will.