No one knows
the tears still inside me.
People think it’s all past.
They think I’m all better.
Every once in a while I think, I hope, I pray
that things will be better too.
But then I remember.
And the pain floods back,
and the bottom falls out,
and I fall and I fall.
And I know once again
that things aren’t all better:
My loved one is gone,
and I cry alone.
How much longer; God?
How long does this last?
by Kenneth C. Haugk
This summer has been particularly difficult in the grieving cycle for me. I sort of felt like I was making strong headway – but not anymore. I think the seasons of transition might be the most difficult – a child finishing middle school, resident camp drop offs, vacations with the entire family (but it’s not the entire family), disucssions about the fall – things that might change with a new chapter ahead. And when I think maybe I don’t have to have the question “Why” answered, it reemerges as a central theme in my mind.
A friend of Jesse’s recommended a book, The Reason for God by Tomothy Keller. I started it this week at the beach.
He says that some people argue that evil and suffering are evidence that there isn’t a God. I can understand that line of thinking.
And yet, he uses the story of Joseph in Genesis to dispell this thinking. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and he seemed doomed to a life of misery in Egypt. But through his bondage, he grew in character and faith. Eventually he rose up to become a leader in Egypt saving thousands of lives including his brothers.
The pain and agony paid off in the long run.
Does every bad circumstance end with good? I don’t believe so. I do, however, think that those who suffer can guarantee that no good will come if they refuse to be open to that possibility.
At this point, the only remotely positive thing I have seen from Lisa’s death is my new love of writing and I’d gladly give that up to have her back. But I’m trying to leave the door open for the possiblity of good. Do I have the patience to wait or the insight to notice if it smacks me on the head?