Posted by Danny
I’m having grooming issues.
This is a new problem. Lisa always took care of that for me – sort of like a monkey caring for its young.
One day we were at the intersection of South Saunders Street and I-40 heading to my parent’s house in Fayetteville. When the light turned yellow, I began our ascent onto the on ramp. Simultaneously, Lisa reached over, without my prior knowledge, and yanked a hair from the top of my ear. I swerved onto the shoulder.
“WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?”
“You had a really long hair growing out of your ear. It was nasty!”
“Was I in imminent danger???”
“It was bothering me.”
“But I was fine with it.”
“You don’t want to walk around Fayetteville with a horse hair hanging out of your ear baby.”
“I guess I should say thank you? Don’t do that anymore! Especially when I’m driving! It won’t matter if I have a horsehair hanging from my ear if I’m dead.”
She warned me about zits that crept up on my post pubescent face. Why are females enamored by zits? It’s like guys and sports.
She’d keep an eye out for nostril hair that crept, like an ivy vine, out of my large nose. And she also reminded me to cut my toenails.
I can’t seem to remember to clip those things. Four or five times this year I’ve found myself in the car, flip-flops on my feet, and realize it’s been weeks (maybe months) since I cut them. I look like Howard Hughes.
I finally put one of Lisa’s many pairs of nail clippers in the car. I’ve given myself a pedicure in the Target parking lot, at the Y, and even at church one day this year. I’d suggest everyone keep a pair in their cup holder.
My brother recently told me to get a haircut. One good friend told me I needed a new pair of shoes. Another that my sport coat might need to be taken to the dry cleaner. Everything I eat looks good on me.
I’m like my grandfather was at age 92. I need assistance. Jesse said he was willing to help me with a lot of things around here but he wasn’t touching the hair on my ears.
I’d like to give each of you permission to pull me aside and discreetly tell me if you see something astray. I won’t be offended. I need your assistance.