Hair, Hair, Everywhere

Cut them in the Fat Daddy's parking lot

Posted by Danny

I’m having grooming issues. 

This is a new problem.  Lisa always took care of that for me – sort of like a monkey caring for its young.

One day we were at the intersection of South Saunders Street and I-40 heading to my parent’s house in Fayetteville.  When the light turned yellow, I began our ascent onto the on ramp.  Simultaneously, Lisa reached over, without my prior knowledge, and yanked a hair from the top of my ear.  I swerved onto the shoulder.


“You had a really long hair growing out of your ear.  It was nasty!”

“Was I in imminent danger???”

“It was bothering me.”

“But I was fine with it.”

“You don’t want to walk around Fayetteville with a horse hair hanging out of your ear baby.”

“I guess I should say thank you?  Don’t do that anymore!  Especially when I’m driving!  It won’t matter if I have a horsehair hanging from my ear if I’m dead.”

She warned me about zits that crept up on my post pubescent face.  Why are females enamored by zits?  It’s like guys and sports.

She’d keep an eye out for nostril hair that crept, like an ivy vine, out of my large nose.  And she also reminded me to cut my toenails.

I can’t seem to remember to clip those things.  Four or five times this year I’ve found myself in the car, flip-flops on my feet, and realize it’s been weeks (maybe months) since I cut them.  I look like Howard Hughes. 

I finally put one of Lisa’s many pairs of nail clippers in the car.  I’ve given myself a pedicure in the Target parking lot, at the Y, and even at church one day this year.  I’d suggest everyone keep a pair in their cup holder.

My brother recently told me to get a haircut.  One good friend told me I needed a new pair of shoes.  Another that my sport coat might need to be taken to the dry cleaner.  Everything I eat looks good on me.  

I’m like my grandfather was at age 92.  I need assistance.  Jesse said he was willing to help me with a lot of things around here but he wasn’t touching the hair on my ears. 

I’d like to give each of you permission to pull me aside and discreetly tell me if you see something astray.  I won’t be offended.  I need your assistance.

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  1. Now that’s funny. People are going to be taking pictures of you and posting them on the internet…”people of Target”. I’ll add your Dad to the mix. Right now he is walking around with a half inch hair hanging out of his nose. I didn’t have the equipment to tend to it in the car (which is where I always see it) the other day so I just told him about it. Each time we get into the car I see it but I am afraid to use scissors on him in the car when he’s driving so, I just watch the nose hair grow as we drive along. It can be entertaining if you’re bored riding. On second thought, I may just let it stay for entertainment purposes. That is, if Annie doesn’t see it. She has kept him on a short leash this week. She says she is the fashion patrol and she’s good at it. Ga listens to her. Maybe she could help you too.

  2. Leslie Davis

     /  August 3, 2011

    We have a similar nose hair story from when we were dating- and Brad still married me

  3. You know the romance in the relation is in jeopardy when your wife gives you a nose-hair roto rooter for Christmas. (1996) I haven’t looked forward to Christmas since then.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  August 3, 2011

      never got one of those – my wife just pulled them by hand!

  4. Courtney

     /  August 4, 2011

    I found out this weekend that Gaga wears part of your old baby diapers as a head band! Now that should be called on by the fashion police (he tried to justify this by saying that they are clean). I don’t know which is grosser.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  August 4, 2011

      It’s a good thing that Annie didn’t see that this past week. If she had, she would have turned him in!!

  5. Now, now, Courtney. Those old pieces of diaper are precious tresures. The amazing thing is that it has lasted so long. There’s not much of it left but it’s been used for yard work for a lot of years. You’ll have to admit that is some good material that thing is made of. I’ll have to admit that I would think twice before I tied it around my head but I’ll testify that it is clean. Mae

  1. Pedicure 101 « The Real Full House

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