Up-tight!

Posted by Danny

I had to buy tights today for our grand performance in A Christmas Carol.  DJ needed a pair of white tights for her dance number – and, yes, so did I. 

I was a bit embarrassed about buying tights for myself.  I’ve never done that – didn’t know if there were boy tights and girl tights or if they were unisex.  Didn’t know if I needed the more see through boogers or if I needed the thicker ones.  And I wasn’t really excited about telling a sales clerk I needed a pair of white hose.  Something just didn’t feel right about that.

I walked into our regular dance store – it’s small and I didn’t think I’d see any of my buddies there.  The clerk greeted me, “Can I help you?”

“Yes.  I need two pair of tights.”

“OK – what size.”

“My daughter comes to about here on me,” I held my hand up to my nose. 

“How much does she weigh?”

“I have no idea.  Medium.”

“And the other pair?”

“Oh – those are for a man, six feet – 1/2 inches, 172 pounds.  They are for a performance.”

“Does he need a dance belt?”

“I don’t think so. Isn’t there elastic at the top?”

“No.  A dance belt is sort of a thong you wear under the tights for support.”

“No!  He would not be needing a dance belt!  it’s not like that!  He won’t be exposing anything above the knee.  He will be wearing knickers over his tights.  No support is needed!  In fact, I’m pretty sure he’ll be wearing boxers underneath his tights and knickers.  That’s what he wears.”

“Let me go get them out of the back.”

She returned with two pair of tights and headed to the cash register. 

“How much  are those?”

“The men’s are $26.”

“What?”

“$26.”

I’m not sure every sock I own combined cost me $26.  This is a racket!  How can they charge that much for hose?  If I get a run in them, I’m gonna hurt someone.

She entered my phone number in the computer.  “Mr. Tanner, you get a 10% discount.”

“That’s not enough.”

“Mr. Tanner, do you know how to put these on?”  She figured out he was me. 

“I don’t understand the question.”

She put her hands in motion, “You roll the leg of the tight up and place your toes in the bottom.  Then you pull the rest of the tight up your leg.”

“Thank you.”

Did she think I was going to hang them on the door knob and try to jump in?

Earlier today I asked Jesse if he wanted me to pick up a pair for him.  He said “No.  I think I’ll need to try them on.”

Try them on?  You don’t try tights on in the store!  It’s like underwear.  But I didn’t tell him.  I thought it would be pretty funny if he went into a store and told them he wanted to try on some tights!  I can’t wait to ask him how his trip to the dance store went.

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10 Comments

  1. Beth G

     /  November 21, 2011

    Sometimes I literally laugh out loud at you…because you are nuts! The nuts my good friend fell in love with ! 🙂 As I told you the other day ( was sooo good to see you!) YOU ARE DOING A GREAT job with the girls…always remember this, please!

    Reply
  2. Mel ham

     /  November 21, 2011

    be sure you get the putting them on right. As many women will attest from the tight and pantyhose application getting it right at the toes means success at the top. There is nothing I repeat nothing more aggrevating, sweat inducing, anger creating that ill fitting hosiery at the top. I have had fits of rolling around with one leg twisted while the other one was perfect thinking do I run the risk of redoing the whole process only to have the other leg not fit right and be twisted. there is also that stretching dance that you have to do at the top…extending the legs like an ostrich…prancing around extending each leg while pulling at the top. What I would give to be a fly on that wall. This all takes place even when you buy the size appropriate tights and hose. Where else can there be a range from 5’3″ to 5’9″ weighing in at 125lbs to 175lbs. As a woman I like those ratios til you get them out of the package and think what average size woman will fit into these. If vanity doesn’t get to you on purchase and you go up a size then you are left with excellent comfort at the top with elephant wrinkles in the legs and hosiery up to your shoulders…have fun with this…
    can’t wait to see the show. Personally glad you have the knickers. I would be damaged to see my wonderful BIL in full ballet attire with pointed toe. Mel

    Reply
  3. Mom

     /  November 21, 2011

    Boy, would I have liked to be a fly on the wall for that one! And Mel is right. if you get them twisted, you can be miserable until they come off. We will need a picture of this for prosterity, preferably with your boxers on so that we can see how lovely the tights are. Who knows, maybe for blackmail at some future time. Love it. It was worth you doing the play to get this wonderful experience. Maybe Hayes will let me go with him to buy his. Sure sorry I missed the fun of going with you and watching from across the room. Mom

    Reply
  4. Haha! I knew when you started with that picture this was going to be a fun post 🙂

    Reply
  5. On stage? In front of an audience? In tights? As they say around here, “That dog don’t hunt.” I think I’d be reconsidering the whole project.

    Can’t wait to see the pictures, however! 🙂

    Reply
  6. Aunt Susan

     /  November 21, 2011

    Oh I am so glad I got good seats and opera glasses, this is going to be a show.How I wish I had a camcorder.

    Reply
  7. Jean

     /  November 21, 2011

    Reading your blog usually brings tears, smiles or laughter.
    This entry brought laughing out loud!!

    Reply
  8. I cursed the day the tight was invented yesterday as I squeezed myself in a pair for the first time this winter. I hope you have better luck! Good thing you got directions. Have fun in the play!

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  November 22, 2011

      If you need me to review with you how to put them on, please send me an email.

      Reply

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