Elf on the Damn Shelf

Posted by Danny

Have you ever heard of Elf on a Shelf? The guys who invented him should be beaten with a large Christmas Tree branch.

He is a little elf doll, about 12 inches high, wearing a red flannel body suit. He comes with a book. The book tells the story of your elf. It explains that each night he moves throughout your house and perches in a new spot for morning. He apparently watches you and gets messages back to Santa about your behavior.

He heard some cuss words tonight, and I didn’t like the way he was looking at me after I said them. So, I put him in the glass pumpkin bowl that has leftover candy corn from Halloween. And then I shut the lid. We’ll see who’s cussing tomorrow.

This was Lisa’s brilliant plan. She thought it would be cute – heard about it from a friend (it’s good I don’t know who that person is). She got it the Christmas before she died.

When there were two of us, we forgot to move the stupid thing several times throughout the holiday season. Today is December 5th and Ernie, we got to choose the name, has only changed places once. Well twice if you count the candy dish for tomorrow.

And Stephanie, who is just beginning to figure out this whole Christmas deal is NOT helping. She came down stairs yesterday and announced out loud to Michelle “Look Michelle, Ernie didn’t move again!” Wink, wink.

If you had not opened your mouth, it is likely Michelle would not have noticed. Stifle Stephanie!

How many excuses can I come up with as to why he did not move? That is yet to be seen. However, here are a few:

“He can see the TV from there. I caught him watching Dancing With The Stars last night. Probably stayed so he could see who got kicked off.”

“DJ had some behavior issues yesterday. I bet he wanted to continue to sit near her at dinner to see if things were improving.”

“I think he’s constipated. Probably ate too much candy corn. It’s hard to fly around in that condition.”

“Clearly he’s lazy. That’s probably why he’s here instead of in the toy making factory at the North Pole. Santa don’t put up with that crap.”

As I learn to maneuver the holidays with this new life, I’ve been told I might need to change some of the traditions that are more painful to get through. I’m not sure if this is what they have in mind, but I wonder if Ernie needs a new job assignment. With this economy, maybe I could tell Michelle he got laid off. Now that’s a believable story!

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  1. Mel ham

     /  December 12, 2011

    I had forgotten about ernie until right now. I remember him being at Disney on the wardrobe when looking in your room one morning. I thought how neat…what a cute idea. Never thought about the creativity in a busy life trying to observe him moving nightly. Where does he go Christmas eve..if there some ritual with that too? Maybe the tooth fairy comes and gets him…maybe he’ll eventually earn his wings like Clarence from It’s a Wonderful life..

  2. Matt

     /  December 12, 2011

    I’m with you Danny. We got our elf last year and Sam named him “Melf” (how do they expect a 1-year-old to come up with a good name?). Sam barely noticed Melf’s existence, but this year is a whole different story. Now he runs down the stairs each morning and the first thing he’s looking to do is find Melf, which we frantically run around looking for a half decent spot. Good luck.

    • Mel ham

       /  December 12, 2011

      Melf…that is endearing to me…Making memories for sure…take care Mel

  3. I think our elf needs a bath from all the dust he’s picked up from sitting in one place. That or some allergy meds.

  4. April

     /  December 12, 2011

    My daughter, April and Danny started this with the grands and it is an ongoing Christmas deal. That elf is more popular than Santa. Blessings on you for continuing to give your girls great memories. Memories sustain us through our lives and you are ensuring that Bailey, Lucy and Annie’s have some wonderful ones to pass on.

  5. Nonie Sowers

     /  December 12, 2011

    You have to make it fun! Our Elf is bad. He does crazy things like tp the powder room, eat an entire bag of staypuff marshmallows, or squirts a big glob of toothpaste on the bathroom counter top. Put DJ in charge of it, I bet she and Uncle Jesse could come up with some crazy things for Ernie to do!

  6. Wren

     /  December 12, 2011

    Laughing so hard ~ this needs to be submitted to the N&O! If Ernie needs a mate, we’ve got it. We are “DWD” (done with dat). Maybe they could run off together & elope! Ours can be a girl. I’ll even put a pink skirt on her for you ~ if I can find him the “damn elf.”

  7. Leslie Davis

     /  December 12, 2011

    There is actually a website you can go to that explains why he doesn’t move… some people get very carried away. In our house, usually either Brad or I smacks the other in the middle of the night asking if “Jake” has been moved. Just one more thing to keep up with…

  8. EKB

     /  December 12, 2011

    “The guys who invented him should be beaten with a large Christmas Tree branch.”

    Hear, hear!

    We have just finished a renovation, and, having moved everything out of one room and packed it into another room, we cannot find our elf. This is not a problem yet since we didn’t get her until Dec. 15th last year. So far I have convinced MG that our elf never shows up until Dec. 15th. So I have three days to find her. But it’s not looking good.

    By the way, know it’s a “her” because MG named her Girl Girl. Now people are telling me I have to buy a skirt for her. I’m holding off, though, because it’s looking like I might be buying a whole new elf.

  9. Helen LaVere

     /  December 12, 2011

    You are SO naughty!

  10. Aunt Susan

     /  December 12, 2011

    I vote for this being an Uncle Jesse responsibility, the elf can be moved during the day, since he and Jesse are buds and the elf goes out at night with Jesse.

    Nice show! you looked good on the bridge!

  11. Sarah

     /  December 12, 2011

    Ours is named Marcia. Seriously. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! Alex had a friend named Will and that was their elf’s name. Real original, Alex. Best part of EOTS? If Alex is bad that day we can snatch her out of her spot, hide her and say that she made an emergency trip to see Santa to report it. Works like a dream, I tell ya. DREAM! Google “elf on the shelf ideas” and you’ll find plenty. There are some very creative ideas here – elfontheshelfideas.com. This is one of my favorites – http://elfontheshelfideas.com/post/14096171584/elf-movie-inspires-elf-on-the-shelf. Put a little extra effort into it and the memories will be worth it. And don’t forget to take photos!

  12. Jean

     /  December 12, 2011

    My 5 year-old grandson is having his first experience with EOTS this Christmas. Sheldon was resting on the mantle while Grayson was telling his mom how he helped a classmate with spelling (spelling?? Really?? In kindergarten??). Right in the middle of the telling, Grayson stopped, ran into the living room so Sheldon could hear….and resumed his story. LOL

  13. Hi Danny.

    I stumbled on your blog as suggested by a friend. I lost my husband about the same time (give or take a week as your wife) and instead of an elf on the shelf (he creeps me out too much) I have Mary and Joseph that “travel” to our manger. They get into trouble here and there but eventually make their way to the manager by Christmas Eve night. Google is a single parent’s BFF. You should google some elf on the shelf places as a reminder of where you can put Erine. Your blog is a lifeline for me and I appreciate your honest thoughts and candor as you blaze a path down this road that no one has chosen for you. I am a single parent of two young children (7 and 9 boy and girl) in the local area and often wonder about starting a blog about our experience for others … thank you for sharing yours.

    Warm Regards,

    • Danny Tanner

       /  December 21, 2011

      It stinks doesn’t it? I’ll check google out – I got a couple of places I’d like to stick Ernie the Elf.

      Hey – start writing and see how it feels. You might find it is something you really enjoy. I’d love to write a column for the paper or a book that someone would buy – but I think that for now, it’s just something I enjoy. And finding something I enjoy, for now, seems to be enough – even if my mom is the only one who reads it! Hollar if I can help in any way. I hope Mary and Joseph finally get there!

  14. Great post, Danny. Here’s another hilarious take http://peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html

    Nonie, are you kidding? Who cleans up all the messes created by the elf? Not him! How is that fun? No thank you. Glad to have missed the Elf on a Shelf craze. The lump of coal and bag of switches threats worked just fine with my now-teenagers, and were a whole lot less work, thank you very much. Oh well, to each his own I guess – Merry Christmas!

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