Sunday Post 48: The Circle of Grief

Posted by Danny

Last Sunday night I was tired when I hit the bed about 1 am. I think that I’ve actually been handling this second holiday season fairly well; but not that night.

As I crawled in my bed, I had the urge to hold something Lisa. That usually means her squishy pillow, the one filled with feathers. She loved that thing – used it every night and often took it with us on trips.

I held on to it like I would the handles on a roller coaster. Every fiber of my being was aching to hold her. Even my toes missed Lisa.

I prayed hard – “Lord, let this be a dream. It just can’t be real. When I wake up, let her be here. She won’t believe this nightmare. It’s feels so real but maybe I’m just imagining she’s gone.”  All this absurd thinking, and I’m almost 2 years out from my loss.

On Monday morning, she wasn’t there. Fortunately, my intense longing had passed.

And that, for those who have not experienced it, is grief. You handle it one day, and the next you can’t.

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11 Comments

  1. April

     /  December 18, 2011

    Bruce, you are blessed with the ability to express the truth so well.
    April

    Reply
  2. Well said. Blessing to you and your family at this Christmas season.

    Reply
  3. Helen LaVere

     /  December 18, 2011

    Thank you for your clear expression of all the aspects of grief. Be patient with yourself; you SHOULD miss her. Allow yourself that, it is not a sign of backsliding or being weak, it is now part of your life.

    Reply
  4. Wren

     /  December 18, 2011

    Dear Bruce ~ This past week has been one of terrible grief, pain & suffering for many. The only words I can muster when trying to comprehend the incomprehensible are that during this season of Advent, we must turn our heart, head and focus to Jesus. He came for a reason. Only Jesus can satisfy our deepest longings, the ache of our souls and help us see light in our darkness. Our church (Holy Trinity) is hosting a celebration of Lessons & Carols at 5 pm tonight. It should be very uplifting! Or you can join Robert & me at Capital Towers on Six Forks at 6 pm! I’ll save a red velvet cupcake & some hot cider for you. Robert & I are leading a service for the residents. Our older friends are such a love & blessing. XO, w&r

    Reply
  5. Aunt Susan

     /  December 18, 2011

    Grief is painful, and you are experiencing the roller coaster of grief, just as you think you have a handle it rears up again. You are such a normal human!

    Reply
  6. Beautiful post. You are not alone. St. Michael’s Church has a Blue Christmas service for those who find the holiday season less than jolly and more a time of remembering and loss. It is incredibly moving, intimate, and peaceful. It is today, December 18, at 3.
    1520 Canterbury Road.

    Reply
  7. Marian

     /  December 18, 2011

    Amen…..19 years ago on this day you and friends helped comfort me from the loss of my dad…..what you feel is human….as dora from nemo says…”Just keep swimming. (living)…,just keep swimming (living)!,.:)

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  December 19, 2011

      I remember that week well. A grand party at your parent’s house — and a 21 gun salute at the memorial.

      Reply
  8. It has been two years this month since my Mom passed into God’s presence. A lady friend of hers at church reminds me of her and we talked a bit today. It was a bit hard for me but she is a dear sweet lady and has good memories. I wish I had given her a hug. I will next time I see her, hopefully next week on Christmas. You have your daughters, keep hugging them. They are you and Lisa combined. You have it right there is a time for each but it is not said for how long or how much it repeats. Blessings to you this Christmas season my blog friend.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  December 19, 2011

      Merry Christmas to you Harold! I can tell you’re a good, good man.

      Reply

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