The Toes of a King

Posted by Danny

I am in love, truly in love.

It started with a gift certificate from my mother-in-law for a pedicure.  I’d never had one before, and I was scared to death.  I’ve had a massage and enjoyed it, but the nail salon seemed so…so…female. 

I prepped my feet before the girls and I headed over, trying to disguise the stench.  I was sort of feeling sorry for the employee who got stuck with my puppies.  The toe jam was difficult to clean out, but I did my best.

The first thing I saw when I walked in the salon was an elderly woman at the manicure table, the tips of each of her fingers were wrapped in tin foil.  Yes, tin foil – like baked potatoes.  I don’t know if she came in that way or if the manicurist intentionally did that to her.  Were they going to cook her?  

I wondered if my toes would see the same fate.  What if one of my buddy’s wives walked in and found me with a baking bag tied around my feet?  I’d never hear the end of it.  This was a mistake, I thought to myself.

The owner escorted me to a large chair with a miniature bathtub at the bottom.  She pointed to the least senior staffer she could find – I’m not sure exactly what she said, but I think it was:  “You, new girl, Nasty Feet is yours.”

My savior looked up and gave me the once over.  To my surprise, she did not flinch – perhaps she’d seen worse.  As the warm water started pouring over my feet, she gloved her hands, a very wise move.

I was watching her closely when she handed me the remote control to my massaging chair.  Vibration – MAXIMUM; Massage – MAXIMUM.  At least my back would be happy.

She gently lifted my right foot; she used no words.  She squirted blue Dawn dishwashing detergent on my toenails and with finesse rubbed each toe.  My breathing slowed; my heart palpitated – I was beginning to fall.

After a good clipping and the chiseling of dirt from beneath my nails , she pulled out a small pair of pliers.  My cuticles had no idea how to react.  I thought it might hurt, but she was so tender and loving that my toes felt nothing.  It was as if hummingbirds were dancing across my feet.

Her next move surprised me.  She took out a cheese grater and began scrapping the tough spots on the balls of my feet.  As the white skin droppings fell, I couldn’t escape the thought of parmesan.  I wondered if they had a deal with the Whole Foods next door – that place is all about recycling.

It was not long after that I could tell she was falling for me too.  I closed my eyes, and at one point, I’m fairly certain she briefly rested my foot on her breast.  I can’t be sure, but I think she was sending me a signal. 

We didn’t speak the same language – or did we?  Was it the language of love?

Finally, she pulled out toe Amorall and buffed until my nails glistened. 

As she drained the water, panic ensued.  Should I ask her to marry me?  I don’t want this to end.

And then she vanished – out the back – no doubt to deliver my shavings next door.

That’s OK, I’ll be back.  And I’ll request tin foil to extend my stay.



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  1. Alice

     /  February 29, 2012

    This post had me laughing so hard!!

  2. April

     /  February 29, 2012

    Wasn’t it a relaxing experience? You are a true man of the world now. Why don’t they employ good looking males? The young lady who cares for my toes is very nice but……..

  3. Evie Lichti

     /  February 29, 2012

    O, brother, you’re a mess! I had to laugh out loud! Nuff sed!

  4. Haha. My feet are appalling. I should really book an appointment sometime.

  5. Lisa

     /  February 29, 2012

    You are hilarious. I have never ever ever had a pedicure. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for!

  6. Katie

     /  February 29, 2012

    Bruce – I will never be able to buy parmesan cheese from Whole Foods! Glad you had a good time.

  7. Charlotte

     /  February 29, 2012

    Now we know what to get you for your birthday.

  8. Aunt Susan

     /  February 29, 2012

    Oh Charlotte nailed it for sure. what a great and wise m-i-l you have!

  9. Pam D.

     /  February 29, 2012

    I can’t stop laughing…

  10. Again with the uncontrollable laughing! Cheese grater and parmesan is what got me! Your blog is a hoot!


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