The Weed Man Comes

MY backyard grass - it's all like that.

Side yard - it ain't easy being green!

Front yard - don't ya' just want to lie in it naked?

Posted by Danny

My grass looks FANTASTIC.  And when my grass looks FANTASTIC, I feel like the King.  My neighbors must be green with envy!

Every morning when I take the kids to school, I encourage them to look at the lush lawn before them.  As we drive through the winding neighborhoods that dot our trip to their higher education, I point out all of the yards that don’t look as good as mine.

“Look over there girls, C R A B G R A S S…”

See those brown spots???”

“I bet they have sanspurs…”

After mowing on Sunday, I ran down to the basement to ask Jesse if he’d noticed my terrific turf.  Not looking up from his computer, he grunted. 

Jealousy does not become him.

And to top it off, my azaleas look like The Masters.

My yard, not The Masters!

I have to admit, I don’t do it all myself.  My secret?  The Weed Man comes and fertilizes every other month.  Yep, I contract it out.

I sort of feel like I’ve had yard plastic surgery.  Once my father-in-law harassed me for having a lawn company take care of my weeds.  “Don’t waste your money like that – a real man takes care of his own weeds.”  Guess who also hired a weed guy?

I was with True Green for a while.  They should be named False Brown.  I don’t know what they put on my yard – I think it may have been rice.  Whatever it was, my weeds were more healthy than Jack Lalanne – well, before he died.

I aerated my yard two years ago on my own.  The aerator is shaped like a lawn mower but weighs six tons. 

You press a gear on the handle and the damn things starts darting through your grass like a tractor-trailer – poking holes in the ground as it goes.  There’s no pushing an aerator – it’s sort of like being tied to an angry bull.

I felt like a cartoon character – hand griping the handle, feet dragging along behind, body in full slant toward the ground.

And after all of that work, and all of the money to buy the seed, I had nothing but dirt by late March. 

But not anymore!  The Weed Man cometh and The Weed Man taketh away (the weeds that is!)

Lawn of the month, here I come!

Leave a comment


  1. Ah, the glories of Springtime. Welcome!

  2. Mel Ham

     /  April 11, 2012

    Note to self…take back weed popper for Bruce for Christmas. Shame. you never experience the thrill of stabbing the prongs of the weed popper into the heart of a dandilion…then kicking the lever to have it soar 10 feet above your head. I am as judgemental as you when I see dandelions in yards since I have my priceless device…I can throw a weed up on the roof of the house during times of frustration…You have braggin rights..yard looks good…glad I don’t have to cut that elevated yard.

  3. Mom

     /  April 11, 2012

    Yaaa, you’ve got grass! You’ve tried very hard to have grass for years with little success. Glad you found someone who could help. Only now, instead of listening to fussing about no grass and how a home is not a home without grass, we have to listen to bragging about grass. I think I’d rather hear the bragging though. Only problem is now your azelias are so big and the ground cover is getting so tall that I have to watch for snakes each time I walk in the house. It’s an invitation to all snakes…come snakes, here is a nice, shady place to live. You can hide anywhere in the yard and reach out and get a bite of all kinds of people as they try to navigate the grass, and the grown cover and the azeleas. I’ll have to say, it’s a pretty yard, snakes and all. I’m wearing my hiking boots from now on, though.

  4. Don’t pigs eat snakes? Oops, maybe I wasn’t supposed to say the P word!!!
    It’s a false brag if others do it for you! It says I got the money to pay someone else to do what I can’t or won’t. Not that I’m being judgemental! Or am I?

    • Danny Tanner

       /  April 11, 2012

      I only pay for the weed treatment! I still edge, blow, rake, mow, mulch and plant on my own! Give me some credit…

      • Okay, I apologize my friend, I missed the mowing part and Jesse’s grunt. I probably grunted there too. 🙂 I’ll let you keep your man card!

  5. Aunt Susan

     /  April 11, 2012

    I am not at all surprised at your F-I-L, how him. But azelias? I want to see the pix when they all die off! and listen to your mom, snakes, ick ick ick.
    I will be like at the beach, don’t come off the porch!, oh wait snakes can climb! i must re think this.

  6. Mom

     /  April 11, 2012

    Hi, Susan. I believe you like snakes as much as I do.

    • Aunt Susan

       /  April 12, 2012

      OH YEAH, I was really upset when my neighbor told me she liked having one under her back step, it kept out the mice. So what’s worse? mice or snakes? the snake in question was named penny, wanna guess why?

  7. I have a love/hate relationship with weeds. Yes, they’re annoying as they spread like wild-fire, but as a bee-keeper, I love them. Clover, henbit, and other plants that we call weeds actually feed many bees, birds, and butterflies. I especially hate catchweed bedstraw! It literally sticks to you! You do have a pretty lawn, though!


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