Posted by Danny
My grass looks FANTASTIC. And when my grass looks FANTASTIC, I feel like the King. My neighbors must be green with envy!
Every morning when I take the kids to school, I encourage them to look at the lush lawn before them. As we drive through the winding neighborhoods that dot our trip to their higher education, I point out all of the yards that don’t look as good as mine.
“Look over there girls, C R A B G R A S S…”
“See those brown spots???”
“I bet they have sanspurs…”
After mowing on Sunday, I ran down to the basement to ask Jesse if he’d noticed my terrific turf. Not looking up from his computer, he grunted.
Jealousy does not become him.
And to top it off, my azaleas look like The Masters.
I have to admit, I don’t do it all myself. My secret? The Weed Man comes and fertilizes every other month. Yep, I contract it out.
I sort of feel like I’ve had yard plastic surgery. Once my father-in-law harassed me for having a lawn company take care of my weeds. “Don’t waste your money like that – a real man takes care of his own weeds.” Guess who also hired a weed guy?
I was with True Green for a while. They should be named False Brown. I don’t know what they put on my yard – I think it may have been rice. Whatever it was, my weeds were more healthy than Jack Lalanne – well, before he died.
I aerated my yard two years ago on my own. The aerator is shaped like a lawn mower but weighs six tons.
You press a gear on the handle and the damn things starts darting through your grass like a tractor-trailer – poking holes in the ground as it goes. There’s no pushing an aerator – it’s sort of like being tied to an angry bull.
I felt like a cartoon character – hand griping the handle, feet dragging along behind, body in full slant toward the ground.
And after all of that work, and all of the money to buy the seed, I had nothing but dirt by late March.
But not anymore! The Weed Man cometh and The Weed Man taketh away (the weeds that is!)
Lawn of the month, here I come!