Posted by Danny
The Top 10 Most Difficult Mother Roles A Widower Has To Learn:
10) The Finder: Lisa had a Stuff Radar. I believe it was implanted in her breast during childbirth. All mothers have this. If stuff is missing, moms know where it is – period.
9) The Food Police: I never worried about what my kids ate before my wife passed away. Now I’m the Carbohydrate Cop: “I think three pieces of bread with your Fettucini Alfredo and side of fries is enough. Back away from the loaf. Now.”
8) The Beautician: How does a dad tell his daughter her hair looks awful? Moms just say, “What’s up with your hair? Go back upstairs.” If my girls ask me if their hair looks good, I don’t even have to open an eye to answer that question. The answer is “Yes.” I learned that the year after I got married.
7) The Sex Educator: Most of my talks start with the phrase: “Let me tell you what boys are thinking…” Most of my talks end with: “So stay away from them!” I don’t know if this is effective.
6) The Cab Driver: I never knew how much she drove. I never knew how much she found out while she drove. They sing like birds when they don’t have to look you in the eye.
5) The Top To Bottom Transferrer: I keep a basket downstairs – I put stuff in it that I find downstairs that needs to go upstairs…like shoes, iPods, school books and interestingly, yesterday, a pair of underwear. I keep a basket upstairs – I put stuff in it that needs to go downstairs…like my socks, my t-shirts, my slippers, my sweatshirts – all which have been borrowed by random children when they were too lazy to walk upstairs and get their own stuff. Both baskets are full – always.
4) The Reminder: Stephanie hasn’t practiced piano one time this week. It’s partly her fault – but mostly mine. I’m sorry Mrs. Fields.
3) The Playdate Primer: Your kids have friends at school if you have friends at school. Do you know how weird it is to call someone you don’t know and ask their kid to come play? It’s like dating – “Hey, I’m Michelle’s dad. So…ah…I was wond – I mean ah – Michelle was wondering if Kimmey could come play on Saturday. I mean if you’re out-of-town or busy, I understand…we were just hanging out and thought that maybe…if she isn’t going to some other girl’s house…”
2) The Short Skirt Nazi: I like short skirts – not something I’d notice as bad. The Aunt tells me, “I guess it’s about time to get rid of that skirt DJ was wearing at church on Sunday, huh?” “Does it have a stain?” “Ah, no. It has a butt hanging out of it.” “Oh. Hadn’t noticed.”
1) The Heart Surgeon: When they don’t get invited; when school is too hard; when they made a mistake; when they don’t have the courage; when it’s time to make a Mother’s Day card at school –
The last is the hardest of all.