Here Little Chickie Chick…

Posted by Danny

What in the heck is inside of this chicken?  I bought it at Harris Teeter the other day.  It was on sale for $5.  I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do with it, but it seemed like a lot of meat for a little money – so I nabbed it.

I knew I had a chicken, but I didn’t know it came with a prize in the middle.  Sort of like a cereal box but wet and squishy.  I personally prefer a Hot Wheel.

I remember the first time Lisa cooked a turkey – it was Thanksgiving and we decided we’d host that year.  Someone warned Lisa to look between the turkey’s legs before putting it in the oven.  She gasped when she opened him.  I came running.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“There’s a bunch of gross stuff inside the turkey.”

“What?”

I had to see for myself.  I spread his legs and thought he was excited to see me.  My mom later told me it was his neck bone. 

How disturbing – you kill the poor fella and then stuff his neck between his legs.  That’s just not right.

But that wasn’t a neck in this chicken.  It was a ball of bloody muck.  I started to leave it in there but was afraid it would get mixed up with the rest of the bird, and I’d end up with a mouth full of chicken innards.  When I put my hand in to get it, I was shocked at the chill.  My digits nearly froze off.  If I ever bruise something, forget the ice pack.  I’m just gonna stick my wound inside of a $5 chicken.  It’s economical, and I’m certain it would stop the swelling.

I didn’t know how to cook this dude so I asked some women at the office.  I told them I wanted a chicken like they sold at the grocery store deli. 

“What do you call those whole little chickens they sell over by the good cheese?” I asked.

“Rotisserie?”

“Yeah.  That’s it.  Can I make one of those?”

“Do you have a rotisserie?” one woman inquired.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then no.”  Apparently she had work to do and didn’t want to be bothered with my poultry problems.

Who knew you had to have a special appliance to roast a chicken like that?  Harris Teeter is so lucky.

Thankfully a nice lady who works in accounts receivable quietly called me to her cubical.  She told me a secret way to get nearly the same taste, and all you had to have was an oven and a pan!

I’ll have to admit that it turned out pretty good, but that’s my last time cooking one of those things.  I don’t like sticking my hand in there.  If I wanted to be a urologist, I’d have gone to med school.

I’m sticking with the boneless breast of chicken – nothing in there but good ole white meat.

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11 Comments

  1. Matt

     /  June 20, 2012

    Danny–we had the rotisserie chicken from Harris Teeter last night. Only $1.99 more than your $5 chicken and it’s already cooked! Tasty, too.

    Reply
  2. That’s a gross picture. LOL.

    Reply
  3. Wanda Easley

     /  June 20, 2012

    Hilarious! I’m a huge Bruce blog fan. Don’t stop writing.

    Reply
  4. Mel Ham

     /  June 20, 2012

    This is the very thing your gma ham had to work through to cut up her sunday chicken that you ham boys still fantasize about. You have to have a whole chicken to get that priceless wishbone..which is my favorite piece too…..glad we don’t have to fight over that…

    chicken business is dirty business ..there is a reason why the skinless boneless cost 1 million dollars a pound. Some poultry plant worker has saved you the trouble and the horror of delivering chicken guts. Matt is right..spend the extra two dollars and get the cooked harris teeter bird…we have used it for pot pies..fantastic..but you stil have to pick the meat off the bone. Good try though. Love mel

    Reply
  5. Melanie Walker

     /  June 20, 2012

    You can rinse that stuff out, you don’t have to stick you hand in there!

    Reply
  6. yikes, I thought it was a picture of a flower at first. haha, that’s disgusting.

    Reply
  7. ROFL! Most whole chickens come with the liver, heart, and/or gizzard inside. Thanks for a good laugh.

    Reply

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