Posted by Danny
What in the heck is inside of this chicken? I bought it at Harris Teeter the other day. It was on sale for $5. I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do with it, but it seemed like a lot of meat for a little money – so I nabbed it.
I knew I had a chicken, but I didn’t know it came with a prize in the middle. Sort of like a cereal box but wet and squishy. I personally prefer a Hot Wheel.
I remember the first time Lisa cooked a turkey – it was Thanksgiving and we decided we’d host that year. Someone warned Lisa to look between the turkey’s legs before putting it in the oven. She gasped when she opened him. I came running.
“What’s wrong baby?”
“There’s a bunch of gross stuff inside the turkey.”
I had to see for myself. I spread his legs and thought he was excited to see me. My mom later told me it was his neck bone.
How disturbing – you kill the poor fella and then stuff his neck between his legs. That’s just not right.
But that wasn’t a neck in this chicken. It was a ball of bloody muck. I started to leave it in there but was afraid it would get mixed up with the rest of the bird, and I’d end up with a mouth full of chicken innards. When I put my hand in to get it, I was shocked at the chill. My digits nearly froze off. If I ever bruise something, forget the ice pack. I’m just gonna stick my wound inside of a $5 chicken. It’s economical, and I’m certain it would stop the swelling.
I didn’t know how to cook this dude so I asked some women at the office. I told them I wanted a chicken like they sold at the grocery store deli.
“What do you call those whole little chickens they sell over by the good cheese?” I asked.
“Yeah. That’s it. Can I make one of those?”
“Do you have a rotisserie?” one woman inquired.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then no.” Apparently she had work to do and didn’t want to be bothered with my poultry problems.
Who knew you had to have a special appliance to roast a chicken like that? Harris Teeter is so lucky.
Thankfully a nice lady who works in accounts receivable quietly called me to her cubical. She told me a secret way to get nearly the same taste, and all you had to have was an oven and a pan!
I’ll have to admit that it turned out pretty good, but that’s my last time cooking one of those things. I don’t like sticking my hand in there. If I wanted to be a urologist, I’d have gone to med school.
I’m sticking with the boneless breast of chicken – nothing in there but good ole white meat.