Another Year, Another Wrinkle

I’ve got a birthday this week.  I turn 47.  And yet I don’t feel a day over 46.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what in the hell happened?

Since when did my hair turn white?  Not only on my sideburns and around my temples, but the stuff is taking over my chest.  Out with the brown, in with the gray!

It’s like old man kudzu.  And I’m not excited about where it might appear next.

The older I get, the more grooming I do.  As if showering and shaving isn’t enough every day, I now have to hunt for rogue hair all about my being.

Oh there’s a thatch growing out of my nostril.  A pompom of fuzz protruding from my ear canal.  And the one, only one, standing fully erect right on the top of my left shoulder-blade.

My eyebrows remind me of the fringe on my grandma’s handmade afghans.  I could serve spinach dip out of the crevices in my forehead.  Not only do I need glasses to read the menu at a restaurant, I also can’t see my food without them.  Imagine my surprise when the blurry “carrots” I bit into turned out to be rutabaga.  YUCK.

My grandfather, Woodrow, had a forehead the size of Montana.  And as Spurgeon, the other, added years to his life, his ears expanded like a Magic Towel wash cloth.  What a future.

I pee all the time, and there’s a 3″ x 3″ patch of skin on my back that’s as dry as a bone.  “Oooooo Dad!  What is that?  Scabies?”

“No!  It’s not scabies!!  It’s dry skin – it’s called eczema.”

“You need to get that checked out.  It’s gross.”

My girls are outstanding at pointing out all my flaws.

“You’re belly is jiggly!”  “You have warts on your feet.”  “I didn’t know you could get pimples at such an old age.”

I’m thankful I had the opportunity to develop a strong self-esteem before I had girls nearing the teenage years.

They haven’t discovered the vein that’s popping out around my right ankle although they relish the opportunity to discuss the volume of lint that collects in my bellybutton.  “Pull it out dad, I need a new scarf for winter.”

Where does that stuff come from and why is it in my navel?  I feel like a dryer.

I’m like an old house that needs major repairs.  I’m just not sure I could recoup the investment.

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18 Comments

  1. Mel Ham

     /  September 26, 2012

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Welcome to 47. When it was jr high we all surveyed the landscape to see if we were dressed as good as…or getting by (hippo pants not included)…now I wonder if I look as old or young as so and so.

    With the wrinkles there isn’t a secret…just you gotta keep those things oiled and greased up…exercise too …sweating makes swollen eyes go down some..I’m starting an eye lift fund this year…You gott’e we all got’em…I’m getting a joker mouth as I get older…

    Eat cake and be happy on this birthday. Love Mel

    Reply
  2. 47? Try 44…Teenagers? Try a 30-something boyfriend. I often get “So and so’s really getting up in years…” Really? How old are they? “In their 40s…”

    Reply
  3. April

     /  September 26, 2012

    There is always one bright spot in this aging business – birthday cake – and your special cake makes it all worthwhile for sure!!! To get one of your birthday cakes, I’d galdly age another year. Happy, Happy Birthday to you.

    Reply
  4. WOW Danny, I can’t believe you haven’t seen all of these things coming!! I’ll be 59 in December and things really started showing up at the turn of the 50 mark so welcome to my world. At least your kids aren’t afraid to draw attention to these things for you and help you decide if it’s really something you have to deal with or leave it alone as a “character” mark 🙂
    You’ll breeze through that 47th and wonder why in the world you even stressed a little tiny bit!! Just keep doing what you’re doing and love those kids-they’ll keep you young at heart, I promise!!

    Reply
  5. Alma Cutler

     /  September 26, 2012

    Just wait until you get our age. You see things you never knew you had(and didn’t want to).
    Happy Birthday anyway!!

    Reply
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    Reply
  7. Courtney

     /  September 26, 2012

    Too funny! Your brother has the same belly button lent (it must be a hereditary lent-trapping shaped one). That was like my favorite thing to do when he got home from work pick out his belly button lent. That’s really disgusting if you think about it. Shawn is lucky he doesn’t have any.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  September 26, 2012

      he will – just wait til his gray hair starts growing on his stomach. I think the hair is what traps it in there.

      Reply
  8. David

     /  September 26, 2012

    It gets better – or worse, depending on your point of view. Do you have hair on top of your ears yet? Mine can grow 1 inch over night. But I sort of like it – I can reach up and stroke it. And your feet get funny – whatever you are doing wrong when you walk finally settles in and you have a toe that looks goofy. If you have one eczema patch, it is just a advance scout patch, more are on the way. And then – one day – you look down and see that your hands look like your Dad’s did – big pores and wrinkles. You, my friend, have many more amusing blogs to write about this sort of stuff – cause it is coming down the road, gaining speed and ready to jump on you. Happy Birthday!

    Reply
  9. Thanks for the laugh! Hilarious and so true!!!

    Reply
  10. Aunt Susan

     /  September 30, 2012

    At least the girls have a sense of humor, and can see it in you! Ah, 47, your still such a young creature! and aging well!!! happy happy.

    Reply

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