Have you ever slept with a gorilla?  Or with Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining?  That’s sort of what it’s like to share your bed with Michelle.

Every now and then, she creeps into my room right around bedtime and acts really, really tired.  “Daddy, can I just sleep down here tonight?  I’m sooo sleepy.”  That thumb enters her mouth, something she does when she’s really beat.

Those big blue eyes are difficult to argue with.  My heart is warmed by her sweet “got daddy wrapped around my finger” request.  It’s sweet alright, until 4 AM.  That’s about the time I wake up to pee and discover the Blanket Bogart has stripped me of any and all covering I might have started with when Jimmy Kimmel bid me goodnight.

Sometimes there’s an arm on my face or a leg across my forehead.  Occasionally she’s wrapped around me like those pythons in The Everglades.

I’m not sure what the kid’s doing all night long.  Looks like she’s practicing for a nuclear lockdown.

How can someone so tiny wrestle a sheet, two blankets and a heavy comforter from a 175 pound man?

And that’s not the worst of it.  Sometimes she awakens me yelling in the loudest, most insane sort of way.


My dad said my  mom used to have nightmares about snakes.  He told me she’d belt out the loudest scream you could imagine smack dab in the middle of his REM.  It scared the  $%&# out of him.


Michelle probably thinks I’m gonna take her back to the NC State bowl game in Nashville.  I sort of have that same feeling, it was ugly.

When I was a kid, I remember laying awake for hours scared of the kid snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  UUUghhh.  I get chills thinking about him today.

He was just creepy.  Puttin’ kids in a cage.  What an awful thing to take your child to see mom and dad!  That’s probably half of my issues today.

And then there’s Stephanie – she’s sort of like sleeping with Darth Vader.

“Wheeeeewwwww – wwwwwweeeehw.  Wheeeeewwwww – wwwwweeeeehW.”

It’s like snoozing through a drag race.  I don’t think she has emphysema but it sure does sound like it.

Occasionally DJ gets stuck with me at the beach or in a hotel on vacation.  She’s pretty still but she always faces the middle of the bed.  I just don’t like someone else’s breath near my face.  And I can only sleep on my left side for so long and then it feels like my aorta is about to pop off my ventrical.  My heart starts aching after about 20 minutes, and I gotta rotate.

I look at people in movies.  The woman always sleeps with her head perched between the guys armpit and his shoulder.  Her hand resting gently on his bare chest.


The only things asleep in that picture are his arms.  One is crushed beneath her torso, the other void of blood because it’s been over his head for the past umpteen minutes.  Who in the heck sleeps like that?  That dude is thinking, “I can’t wait for her to get off of me so I can get some stinkin’ sleep.”

Now Lisa, she was a good queen bed partner.  If there was snuggling, it was pre-sleep.  Once the lights went out, it was like she was in Raleigh, and I was in Durham.  No touching, no shared breathing, no cover hog.  Just a quiet doze and the comfort of knowing someone else was nearby.

One thing is for sure, having someone close by is nice – be it a gorilla, Darth Vader or a bad breathed teenager.

That picture sure does looks nice, doesn’t it?

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  1. Mel Ham

     /  January 30, 2013

    Yes the Child Snatcher from Chitty, Chitty, was the scarious villian of them all…”children..I smell Children”!…To sleep with Cam is the same way or used to be…a kick to the neck…flung arm in the face…occasionally a throw up session from out of no where with all the bed linens covered. Chad’s a good bed partner in that there is cuddle time…but then you get to your own side when the business of sleeping is suppose to happen…too much cuddle time makes all the covers and pillows hot..and I hate hot pillows.

  2. Cris

     /  January 30, 2013

    My son would steal covers, do the Darth Vader stick AND fling arms about. When he was much younger he refused to sleep in his own bed at my place and would crawl into bed with me. I would wake up with a backache.

    God I miss those dayze.

    BTW, the woman in that picture’s not comfortable either. She’s half lying on a bony rib cage, and her “pillow” is a collar bone. Great shot, but definitely an example of “Only in the Movies.”

  3. David K

     /  January 30, 2013

    When he was little, we would sometimes bring our son (who never slept through the night as long as he lived here) into the bed between us. As son as we were all settled, he would turn sideways so that he could kick me in the head while snuggling head-to-head with his Mom. So, one night we had the bright idea of starting him off sideways so that his turning would cause him to lie between us. But, as you can imagine, he found this a prefect arrangement and started kicking my had sooner than before.

  4. Really great work!! Keep it up!! I can totally relate to your story!!!

  5. Love love love this blog.. Totally relate to the sleeping thing.. sharing w my 7 year old is like that..Actually she might grow out of it because on the rare occasion I get to share with my 17 yr old who used to be guilty of all of the bedtime sharing faux pas she is now barely noticeable and totally keeps to her side.

  6. It seems we can share this bed-time experience with everybody!
    (Now I ‘m gong to read another post,see you)

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