Sunday Post 109: “What a Fool Believes”

It’s no longer a devastating pain.  It doesn’t burn to the soul.  It can’t physically take me to the floor in anguish like it did 3 years or even 18 months ago.  But February is my foe.  I guess I’ll battle with him every year for the rest of my life.

He’s cold.

Mid month he’s promoting love, and I don’t have that kind anymore.

From the 14th on, I can replay, day by day, the scenes from three years ago – the weeks before she died.

It starts out OK – just an extension of his cousin January.  But then “What a Fool Believes” comes on the radio, and I start singing like I’m Michael McDonald.

She’d laugh at that every single time – rolling those eyes.  “You do love that song don’t ya’ baby?,” her question would just add fuel.  I know I  have her attention now, I ham it up even more.

He came from somewhere back in her long ago

The sentimental fool don’t see

Trying hard to recreate what has yet to be created

Once in her life

I used to sing in laughter.  Now it’s through tears.

This year I made it until the 10th before I felt the hole.  No weeping at church until last week.  There is a circle of emotional instability that hangs in my core at this time of year.  It’s bigger than an egg but smaller than a baseball, right above my stomach.  I can take a deep breath, I can swallow and hold it down – most of the time.

Only one week and it’ll be over.

I hate you February.  I hate your guts.

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25 Comments

  1. Bruce, I’m just going to listen to you and learn about how important it is to LOVE every day. THANK YOU BRUCE. I am humbled when I hear about what you’ve been through. The amazing thing is, God is using your pain to help so many.

    Reply
  2. I’ll be chanting “come on spring” for you. Argh different pain but I know that feeling of deep anguish that twists inside. I hope it lessens and lessens.

    Reply
  3. Aunt Susan

     /  February 17, 2013

    yeah me too. I hate the 15th, it’s been 13 years for Daddy and the 24th as well. It does get a little easier.

    Reply
  4. Wanda Easley

     /  February 17, 2013

    Once again thank you for your candor. I cannot imagine how many people you have helped through your honest, straightforward expression. And once again, you and your family are in my prayers every day.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 17, 2013

      We’re doing well – just comes and goes particularly at this time of year.

      Reply
  5. Faye Humphrey

     /  February 17, 2013

    So

    Sent from my iPad

    Reply
  6. Cris

     /  February 17, 2013

    Hugs…

    Reply
  7. Reblogged this on Calico Skies and commented:
    I’m not going to attempt to convince anyone that I feel Mr. Tanner’s pain in the same way. I lost my husband nine years ago, very suddenly, in February. It’s a hard month for my children and I, as well. No two families are the same, and no one deals with loss and grief in the same way. I understand, though. Mr. Tanner, I understand. Keep getting up in the morning. Keep pressing on. God has a plan, a plan bigger than anything WE could ever imagine. Don’t give up!

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 19, 2013

      I hate you’ve been there. It’s not a fun journey. It is so much easier than it used to be but it knocks me, not for long, but it knocks me at times.

      Reply
  8. Lynne M.

     /  February 18, 2013

    I have hated February with a passion for 19 years. My mother, diagnosed with cancer on February 2nd, died just 19 days later, on February 21st. I was 27 and not even slightly ready to loose my footing on life.

    Reading your post today makes me not feel as strange. The coldness and starkness of February has just always been a reminder. The pain subsided to just a flutter, until this year. This is my first February without my dad, too. He died in May. I still hate February I think I’ll hate it double this year, cause by May the flowers are blooming and it might not be as easy to hate. 🙂

    Yep. February is the shortest month, usually the coldest month. I’m still gonna choose to hate it the most. Makes things easier to get on with it.

    Thank you for making us all feel a bit more normal.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 19, 2013

      It’s a good one to hate. May or June would be hard months to hate –

      Reply
  9. It used to be March for me but February seems to be taking over.

    Reply
  10. A big hug ,my dear friend!

    Reply
  11. It’s interesting that you hate Feb. I hate March and May. 1st week of March 3 years ago was our big loss (Accident on a Monday, Graduation on Thursday). May is/was our wedding anniversary as well as both kids bdays. Reading your blog makes me feel more normal … thank you. It takes courage to write about your loss and I think about your girls reading it years from now and the treasure you are making for them … very special.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  March 20, 2013

      thanks for reading – you have a tough month coming. I’m fortunate, mine is over for now…

      Reply
  12. Maureen Carretta

     /  March 26, 2013

    December is my “month”. Its been 13 years but I wish December was removed from the calendar. It starts at Thanksgiving . So many memories of my husband. Besides his death on Dec. 4th , his birthday was Dec. 10th and our anniversary Dec. 28th. As time passes I celebrate the positives and put the negatives on a shelf. You’re putting one foot in front of the other and raising 3 lovely young ladies. I’d say you were doing OK.

    Reply
  13. Hey there! I know this is somewhat off topic but I
    was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form?
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    Reply

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