A friend of mine is up and moving her family to Nashville this summer. She has a great job opportunity and has thought about this major decision for quite some time now. She’s making the leap! Significant and difficult change. Scary. I really respect her for taking the plunge.
I don’t like to plunge. I find it more comfortable to sit on the side of the pool. It’s warmer. It’s comfortable. I know what it feels like outside of the water. What if I jump in and it’s too cold? What if it’s too deep? What if I get water in my ear? If I don’t like it and have to get back out and dry back off. It’s much, much easier to stay on the deck.
I wonder if some of my fears have been magnified since Lisa died. I guess that’s normal. Once you go through a tragedy, there are going to be scars. But I think there is potential to lose out on life if I don’t figure out a way to put my suit on and dive on in.
I fear loss. What if I get too close to someone and they leave or die? I’m scared to death I’m going to lose again. I’m not sure I could weather that storm. It’s too painful. I can’t face it.
The sad thing is that the greatest joy of my life came from a deep, deep dive: finding Lisa. As bad as it hurt to lose her, I’d go through it all again for a single day together.
There are a lot of things to be scared of – it could be loss, it could be change, it could be putting yourself in a new social situation – my grief counselor once told me to take Salsa lessons (I didn’t). Maybe it’s a job, leaving the comfort of something miserable. It could be going back to school, moving to a different city, or trying out for A Christmas Carol!
A lot of us have faced hard things; might be time to tackle another one. Could be missing out on another greatest joy.