Port Your Bra

Annie Dance

Did you know that King Louis the XIV of France loved ballet?  He established the first official school for the dance, known today as the Paris Opera Ballet.  That’s why all of the dance terms are in French.  I know that because over the past two weeks, I’ve spent five hours observing my daughters’ dance classes.  It happens every May, parent observation days.

It should have been seven hours but DJ told me she’d do a grande jete on my head if I showed up to watch her dance.  After the other five hours, I think I could have taught her class.

When I picked DJ up after her observation day, she said, “There were some other parents you knew who were there.  You really looked bad for not coming.”

At that point I wanted to jerk a knot in her echappe!

One afternoon I observed from 5 – 7 pm.  I hadn’t had lunch that day and was starving.  The ballet instructor kept tantalizing me:  “Everyone, it’s time to fondue.”  But no food ever came!  She’d say “Saute!”  Again, no food.  It was dinner time, why would you say we were going to fondue and then not produce?  I was about to start gnawing on the ballet barre!

Her words were confusing to me.  At one point she started talking about their underwear:  “Port your bras” or something like that.  How do you port your bra?  Wouldn’t we need to be on the coast?  She kept calling for “Sue-sue,” but she never did come.  “Run to John,” she yelled several times, but there wasn’t one boy in the class.  Who was she talking about?

The woman is a good teacher, but I don’t think she’s that smart.  She doesn’t even know Pig Latin.  For some reason, she didn’t want us to know she was telling them to balance so she tried to disguise the term like a parent would in front of a young child.  But she got it all wrong.  Instead of dropping the first letter and putting it on the end, “alancebay,” she said, “balance-a.”  We all knew exactly what she was talking about.  Em-barr-assing!

I’m thinking about opening my own studio next fall.  But we’re going to use regular words that normal, English-speaking kids can understand like:  squat,  poke your toes out in opposite directions, jump like a duck, make the shape of a Krispy Kreme doughnut with your legs.  And when we talk about food, there will be some.

Leave a comment


  1. Very hilarious,really!
    I like this post!

  2. wonderful surprises

     /  May 29, 2013

    Hilarious! You crack me up. My favorite ballet term is “potty boo ray.” And shouldn’t you know by now that when a woman says she doesn’t want you to come watch her dance that means you should do everything you can to be there? Yeah, I would’ve stayed away, too, had she threatened me like that. And then been perplexed (but really not that surprised) when she was upset that I didn’t come because a) I should know to come anyway, b) she never said that, c) she was just kidding – gawww can’t you take a joke or know when I’m being sarcastic, or d) any combination of a-c.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  May 29, 2013

      She was joking when she told me I looked bad – sort of.

  3. What a hoot . . . and what a cutie. Nooo . . . DJ, not YOU!

  4. Mom

     /  May 29, 2013

    Your old dancing Mom loved this one! You sounded just like Papa. It is a delightful post. How your grandparents would have loved this one after spending “years” at dance recitals.

  5. Katie Martin

     /  May 29, 2013

    I adore you, Bruce! The best part of my week is when I come to work and see that you’ve written another blog. This one in particular made my day. Very creative and so true! You should join the ladies of ACC on Monday nights for tap class and observe us a time or two. You’d get a ton of new material! Thanks for starting out my day with a smile.

    • Danny Tanner

       /  May 29, 2013

      I want to come to that! I could write posts for weeks I’m sure!

  6. Wayne

     /  May 29, 2013

    A new classic! Having been married to a dance teacher for 52 years, I’ve been to these “fondue” parties more than a few times. I, too, went away hungry for a hamburger but only if it were wearing a tutu of fringed lettuce! .

  7. That was awesome — made me smile 🙂

  8. Aunt Susan

     /  May 30, 2013

    Oh Danny how you suffer!, that was great and the middle one looks great! cannot wait to see you guys soon!

  9. Reblogged this on kareemolatunji77 and commented:
    King Louis the XIV of France loved ballet

  10. ahahaha loved it! French terms always confused me when I was little, but they are really useful: they are the common language of ballet, so you can take a class everywhere in the world and still know what’s going on 🙂

    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 15, 2013

      I’ll keep that in mind if I’m traveling and decide to take a class!

  1. Did You Know You Could “Port Your Bra”? | Back to First Position

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