Siri, an idiot

apple-siri

Siri is an idiot.  She’s stupid, lazy and, hard of hearing.  I am so, so done with her.

Today I asked her a simple question:

“Siri, find Starbucks.”

There are several Starbucks but none are near you.  The closest one is 316 miles from here.

“We are in Raleigh, NC, Siri.  Not Bandekajaki, Afghanistan.  There is a Starbucks nearby.  You are a lying sack of wheat!  I know there is one around here!  Find it!”

Every time I raise my voice to her, she shuts down.   Some crap about she doesn’t understand what I’m saying.  She must be a teenager.

Ask her to call home?  You know what she asks me?  Every blasted time…

“Do you want to call Home or Ed Brodie?”

Seriously.  I ask her to call home and that is her response.  Who in the hell is Ed Brodie?  He does not live with me. “Ed Brodie” is not a nickname for my house.

If someone at work asks me to make a copy of an invoice, I make a copy for them.  I don’t respond, “Do you want me to make a copy of the invoice or eat a thumb tack?”  That would be a stupid thing to say.  It is also stupid when I ask Ms. Siri to call home to ask me if I want her to call frickin’ Ed stinkin’ Brodie!  If I wanted her to call Ed Brodie, I would have said, “Call Ed Brodie,” not “call home!!”

Last week Siri went on strike.  Four times.  I’d ask her a question and she would respond, “I’m really sorry but I can’t take any requests right now.”

Is she on morning break?  Is she on hold with Time Warner Cable?  Is she in the AFL-CIO?

She’s a computer!  Why can’t she take a request?  And to top it off, she says she’s “REALLY” sorry.  Not just a little, but she’s extremely upset that she can’t help me.  I just don’t think she’s being genuine.  I don’t think she gives a crap about me.  I think she’s yanking my chain, gaslighting me.

She can’t find the phone number for my mother.  My assistant at work is Robyn Stamey – but no, she’ll only dial Robin Johnston.  Robin Johnston is the CEO of a very large company in town.  What if I left him a message to hold the pickles on my boxed lunch and to be sure to include a chocolate chip cookie?

“Siri, call Jane Stogner.”

I cannot find a number for Vanetta Quackenbush.

“AHHHHH.  I REALLY hate you.”

Buy Danny’s Book:  Laughter, Tears and Braids

Book reading/signing:  If you get bored, join me Friday, November 8, at 7:30 PM, at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh for a Laughter, Tears and Braids book reading.

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33 Comments

  1. Matt

     /  November 6, 2013

    Did you see that Siri is going to be in Raleigh next week? The real voice of Siri will be at the Internet Summit, so you can take up your complaints with her directly!

    Reply
  2. Jean

     /  November 6, 2013

    That sounds like our GPS. It can’t find home and it has been updated and it has the address in it three times! Besides that, my phone doesn’t speak Southern drawl. It, too, will make up stupid questions when I ask it to do something. I haven’t found out which language it speaks yet and I have had it for years. I was hoping a new phone would understand me but it sounds like there is no hope for me there either. We need to go to school to speak “Gadgetease”!

    Reply
  3. carleenloverofgod

     /  November 6, 2013

    OMG LOL

    Reply
  4. LOL! I can say that I’ve only used Siri twice, both times to reply to a text while I was driving. Beyond that, I never got in the habit of using her/it. Now, my son will sometimes come grab my phone (he doesn’t have her/it yet) and ask a silly question. If you pull up my Siri history on the big Apple computer it will have a transcript of questions like “Siri, why doesn’t my mom like me?” and “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

    Reply
  5. You should call Ed Brody. Just once. Just to see if it’s worth it.

    Reply
  6. A couple months ago Siri was the highlight of my day. When you asked her “Siri, where does God live?” she’d say “Danny Alfredson lives on Ottawa Ontario Canada”.

    You see, Alfie was the captain of the Ottawa Senators (NHL) and someone who worked at Apple must have had a soft spot for him.

    The joke was corrected the next day, but for a few hours, Siri was hilarious.

    Reply
  7. This made me laugh out loud! Thanks for bringing a smile to my day!

    Reply
  8. Sylvia

     /  November 6, 2013

    Amen, and Amen. I hate her! Who thought her up, anyway?

    Reply
  9. I totally agree, I can’t STAND her most of the time she has NO idea what I am saying it drives me NUTS… heehehe like the comment @Michelleatplay lol http://NEWHealthyYou.myinstapage.com

    Reply
  10. You are too funny. I never talk to her. The whole idea of her giving me wrong answers is an automatic turn off. Maybe you could offer to buy her flowers and she’d be more responsive.

    Reply
  11. what a funny post! I was laughing throughout! I don’t have an iPhone, so I’ve never experienced Siri. Sounds like I’m better off without her.

    Reply
  12. You really hate Seri, huh? Yeah, it’s speech recognition. It is not accurate so much. I have voice control on mine and when I tell it to facetime Devon, it calls Dawn adams instead. What the heck?

    Reply
  13. kimg2233

     /  November 7, 2013

    NO ONE can make me curse like Siri can. Usually something like “Siri, you are a stupid, worthless, ******* ******** (use your imagination)” Once she replied “Oh, oh, was that necessary?” Last week I told her to “Call John Grant, mobile” and she called “Jack Sullivan, mobile”- stupid, lazy, hard of hearing, passive-aggressive…..

    Reply
  14. Amen! Siri and I have a tense relationship at best. When I call, she doesn’t answer, and when I don’t want her, there she is popping up and interrupting my text message or audiobook or whatever I’m in the middle of. When I ask her to call “home,” she asks “whose home?” And when I ask her to call “dad” (who is appropriately listed in my iPhone as “dad”), she snaps, “I don’t know who your father is.”

    I’m thinking it’s past time to revert to a “dumb phone” that doesn’t talk back.

    Reply
  15. jake rosen

     /  November 8, 2013

    Hey!

    My name is Jake Rosen and I am a Development Producer, at a major television company based in NYC. We have created shows for History, Discovery, Nat Geo, and many other networks. I am always on the hunt for new show ideas, and while researching ideas I came across your site and think it is really interesting what you do. If you have time I would love to set up a skype and discuss this topic and see if we can work together in some way. Or if you know someone who would be better to assist me in my research that would be appreciated as well. Any help is appreciated!

    Thanks!

    Jake Rosen
    crybaby media
    914.582.0572(c)
    http://www.crybaby-media.com

    Reply
  16. remember when we used maps, phonebooks, rotary dial phones,… conversation.

    Reply
  17. OMG…I have tears from laughing but I appreciate this. I thought it was me.

    Reply
  18. Totally feel the same, bro! Siri is on a major strike these last 2 weeks for me too. Even in Chinese, she doesn’t “take any requests.”

    Reply
  19. teamrowlands

     /  January 10, 2014

    Hilarious! I recently heard my teenager asking Siri questions about her homework….luckily, Siri didn’t have an answer. 🙂

    Reply
  20. Donna Lubin

     /  December 17, 2015

    Siri is an idiot I agree

    Reply

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