Gobble, Gobble, Gobble

Turkey Innards

I had a slight panic attack today.  My parents are 77, and I’m not sure what we’re going to do when they stop cooking Thanksgiving dinner.  Yo – mom and dad, we’re gonna need a decade’s notice, I’m just saying.

I ain’t eating that important feast at an old folks home I’m telling you that.  Turkey should be sliced, not pureed.  And I’m extremely uncomfortable with my stuffing being served out of an ice cream scoop.

I’m not too worried about my side of the family.  That sister-in-law is fair in the kitchen and there are some nieces honing their skills.  My brother can deep fry a turkey – although it’s a fire hazard if the singeing of his eyebrows from illegal fireworks last Fourth of July is any indication.  I’ll just stay inside.

But the other side of the family is really going to struggle.  That sister-in-law is really good at injecting monkeys with infectious diseases but give her a pot and she’s dumbfounded.  And then there’s Uncle Jesse – you can’t buy Thanksgiving dinner from the Steak and Shake.

Oh, I got an idea!  I hear Martha Stewart is on Match.com!  Maybe I should sign up and woo her.  I got a lot to offer – work for a nonprofit, three teen daughters, skinny but with slight love handles – how could she pass on that?  I know, she’s a little older than me, but she would certainly bring something to the table, literally.  And Stephanie has a rip in one of her sheets, I bet she could get us a deal to replace that at the K-Mart.

Boy would that be a change.  The one time Lisa and I were responsible for Thanksgiving dinner, she told me to get the stuff from between the turkey’s legs.  I reached my hand in – “Oh my Lord Lisa!  This bird has an erection!”


“I swear.  I felt it.  Go ahead, touch it!”

“I am NOT touching that fowl’s foul.  Get it out!  We aren’t serving a turkey’s penis for Thanksgiving!”

“Some people must like it or they wouldn’t leave it in there.”

“I bet the factory workers just refuse to remove them.”

Later my mom told me it was the bird’s neck.  He sure must have been flexible.

I know!  I’ll just give the girls cooking lessons for their Christmas present this year.  They’ll love it!

In the meantime, I’m gonna get my dad to have my niece remove the turkey innards on Thursday – the old one who rudely froze all my underwear at the beach this summer.  I can’t wait!

Leave a comment


  1. Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. Mom

     /  November 27, 2013

    I’ll have you to know that I am 76, not 77. You and Courtney have the biggest house and the way the family is growing, I think it may have to be yours and Courtney’s job. You guys better start practicing. In fact, maybe next year would be a good time to start. We’ll be glad to bring some ice cream to go with your chocolate cake. You do like Breyers, don’t you? And you need to make giblet gravy with that neck. Not that I would eat it but it’s tradition.

  3. Carolanne Plummer

     /  November 27, 2013

    My oh my!! Oh how I have missed being around your and your family. Tell everyone that I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please say hi to your mom and dad. Love you. You made my day!

    Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  4. I’d say it’s time to start buying some cookbooks, searching food blogs, watching the Food Network, and… reading prayer blogs faithfully.

  5. Courtney

     /  November 27, 2013

    For your information, I am very comfortable removing the foul’s innards. Also, once you purchase me a large dining room table I will be happy to host at my house. And you wouldn’t even have to drive that far!!

  6. I have to say that the family responses made this post even funnier! Happy Thanksgiving!

  7. I’ll never look at the turkey guts the same way.

  8. Mom’s pretty funny too 😉

  9. Aunt Susan

     /  December 4, 2013

    At least you knew to pull something out! I have a friend who didn’t and cooked her first turkey with it all still inside! I hope you got smart and begged forgiveness from your Mom, if she was really smart she wouldn’t feed you Christmas dinner!
    Hi Jean and Wayne


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