Deck the Halls, yeah right!

Xmas tree

I had to cut back on decorations this year.  Our house was beginning to look like Christmas had vomited on us.  It was just too, dag-gone, much!

We were moving along fine in our preparations for the holidays – agreed upon what to leave in the attic, outside and mantle all dolled up, the stockings hung by the chimney with, well, care, I guess.  And then, then as the Justin Bieber Christmas CD played its last song, I opened our box of lights for the tree.

I am convinced that Ebenezer Scrooge’s descendents own the factory that manufactures Christmas tree lights.  Him or possibly the Grinch – or perhaps some  unbeliever who likes to see Christians use our savior’s name in an unbecoming manner.  These translucent strands of beauty bring out the ugly in me indeed.

I simply don’t understand.  How can you run a business by making something that has a 50% chance of working?  What if I did that at the Y?  I’m sorry ma’am, only half of the treadmills are working today – you can kick the broken ones, perhaps shake them; here is a fuse, see if you can replace it, maybe that’s the problem.  Good luck!

It would not work!  I couldn’t get away with it!

And to make it worse, there is no rhyme or reason as to when and if they will work.  On strand A, every other light works.  Strand B?  The first 50 are beaming, the next 50 are dark.  Strand C?  All work!  Strand D?  None.


The one I currently hold in my hand works if I hold the right side above my head.  I guess I’ll start it at the top of the tree.  Had one a minute ago that worked if I jiggled (not me, the lights!)

And yet, I would not be surprised if my personal jiggling might somehow flicker them off or on!  Drink orange juice, all come on.  Lick a sucker, they’re out again.  What, what random source is controlling these ornery minions?  Is it Gru?  Vector??  Who is doing this to us?

I finally, finally got them all on, every light was glowing.  We hung our 6,000 ornaments and sat down to admire.  As I smiled, proud of what we’d accomplished, I noticed, that right smack dab in the middle of my Frazier Fir two rows of lights sans light.

Next year, I’m going with Little House on the Prairie: waxing candles to the limbs.  It has to be easier than this.

Leave a comment


  1. Annette Jay

     /  December 11, 2013

    Funny! I totally understand this one!

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Amen, brother. Spent my day the same way. Tried to light the tree over the weekend, but the last string of lights kept blowing its fuse. Used all the fuses I had and then gave up until I could face the store.

    Thought I was so “bright” to order two brand-spanking-new strings of lights from Home Depot’s pick-and-click service, as well as a 10-pack of fuses and some replacement bulbs. We use the big, old-fashioned C7s, which are either mocked or beloved, kind of depending on how old you are. They can be hard to find. Well the nice Home Depot man called right away to say that although the website said there were 22 sets in stock, they, in fact, had none. Of anything I had ordered–except the brown tarp.

    This forced me to go to Walmart, where, Ta-Da!, they had scads of them! I snapped them up with glee and headed for the checkout. Well you get what you pay for and these $5.98 light strings were junk. The colors of the bulbs were freakishly neon and were glued into the sockets–irreplaceable. They’re going back to the Evil Empire. However, the new fuses I bought are holding, for now, and I’m on a quest for high-quality light strings for next year. Bah Humbug!

  3. I feel your pain. I went through the same thing yesterday. Half on, half off. Shake them and jiggle them and they seem to work again. Makes no sense.

  4. hahahahhaha. My parents and I have a pre-lit tree, and this year when we put my parents tree up, there was a section of lights not working… so my sister and I just grabbed an extra strand of lights and put them in the area that was dark! It was easier than figuring out which bulb had gone dead! 🙂

  5. This is a ritual for me too… if I had a limitless budget I’d ditch them all after Christmas every year and buy new each year… but alas… I resort to jiggling as well… I currently have two half strands that need attention… 😀 good for the holiday spirit?! lol

  6. We fight the lights every year, too! Out of all the strings on the tree, only 2 are working 100% – – we have the small lights with the clear petals around them, and have discovered that no one makes these anymore 😦 Oh, the challenges of the Christmas season!

  7. kimg2233

     /  December 11, 2013

    And by the time you realize you need more lights, they are sold out of everything except 20 count strands of white lights with white cord and three inch colored bulbs. I feel your pain, man!!!!

    • Danny Tanner

       /  December 11, 2013

      You’re damn right! All TArget has was white cords – who wants that on your green stinkin’ tree???

  8. I didn’t bother trying to fix the ones I have that worked when I put them away in January but don’t now. I just tossed them. Completely against my environmental side, but not worth the trouble to wiggle them around or try to figure out which ONE bulb is out that’s making the whole strand go dark. So half of my lights went in the trash. Sigh.

  9. I can identify where your coming from. I don’t have the Christmas fever either. I’ve been so sick and just got out of the hospital with Pneumonia and still feel bad. But what got me so upset is my 10 year old grandson K J. All year long he’s been telling me how he wants a another laptop because the old one was destroyed. And not just any laptop he asked for the Apple laptop and I cannot afford it because of the medical bills. I feel so bad but what can I do? The holidays are lonely for me anyway because I’m disable and have difficulty walking. I had an accident in 2002 at my old college. But I’m grateful to be alive and no matter what God has been good to me whether I can give a gift or not. You guys have a great holiday. Patricia

    • Danny Tanner

       /  December 15, 2013

      Patricia, kids may struggle to see it, but the older I get, the more I realize that the holiday isn’t about the gift. Find something a ten year old boy would enjoy, even if it cost $5. He’ll appreciate it. You’ll be on my mind over the next week.

      • Hi Danny,

        Thank you for the feedback and I agree with your assessment regarding a typical ten year old however, my grandson is not like the average ten year old, he’s special and very smart his education means a lot to me as well as my own. And I’m not giving up on getting him a laptop because he deserves it, I probably won’t be able to get him an Apple laptop. Hopefully something would come through for us and he will get one for Christmas. In 2002 I had an accident at my old college in which I fell off the elevator and hurt my back, leg, arm, and head and this incident left me disabled. I have difficulty walking and almost lost both of my legs. And last December 2012 I fell on the sidewalk the was coming up out of the ground in front of my house and this time I hurt my neck and left leg.I now have to take therapy twice a week. I remember last Christmas eve standing in my kitchen getting ready to fix my cat some food and my left leg went out and I fell to the ground and my grandson was there trying to pick and help me up off the floor. He has always tried to help and I have taught him how education is so important and that he needs to learn all he can to get ahead in life Two weeks ago I was admitted into the hospital for Pneumonia and spent two days in the ICU I was so scared and wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy..I remember the look on his face as he gave me words of encouragement. He was brave and prayed for me and I never was more proud of him in that moment. I have taught K J (grandson) to be kind and to help our elderly and show respect to others. And more importantly when he gets older to get a job and take care of himself. Yes! he’s a great kid and I will do anything for him if I can.
        Once again I thank you for the feedback and if you know anyone that wants to help please keep us in mind.

  10. Becki Pavlik

     /  December 27, 2013

    Hi Danny,
    I don’t know how I stumbled upon your blog but I really enjoyed reading this post about the Christmas tree lights and your (way too familiar) frustration and aggravation made me laugh out loud. Not laughing at YOU mind you, but because I used to go through the same thing every year myself until I finally just bought a pre-lit tree. What a wonderful invention! Now if they could just make pre-lit mantels and outdoor gutters and trees, I would be all set. :).

    I haven’t ventured into your previous blog posts but I hope to come back and do so as I find the time. I just wrote my very first blog yesterday so I’m feeling very proud of myself right now. YEAH! And it only took me 8 hours to figure out how to! 🙂

    Needless to say, I’m a rather technology-challenged kinda gal. I would have given up much sooner if I wasn’t so determined to try to spread the word about my new project, which I originally thought of as my ‘Un-pity Party Project’. that just came to me on Christmas Eve morning. Something positive to do and focus on to get my mind off my own problems. I hope you and your followers will check it out. I’m not sure how to even tell you how to get to my blog but hopefully, this will take you there:

    Anyway, thank you for the chuckle this morning!

    Cyber Hugs,

    Becki Pavlik


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