Sunday Post 154: Feeling Again

The other day Michelle and Stephanie decided they were going to organize the cabinet in the living room where I’d crammed our hundreds of CDs. Their work gave me motivation to pull out some of the old tunes –

A little Chicago:

Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other… even lovers need a holiday, far away from the one that I love…

As I was heading out for a three-hour drive to Charlotte last week I grabbed a handful of nostalgia and began listening – and singing – hadn’t forgotten a single word.

I do well with my grief now. I’m not wallowing in it. I seldom cry about my loss. I’ve done a pretty good job, nearing the four-year anniversary, of putting my life back together.  My counselor told me it would take that long.

But sometimes, I just need to miss her.

As I cruised down I-85, one song socked me in the gut. It was about desperately loving someone.

I could tell from the onset that listening to it was going to be emotional. I knew if I listened to it I was going to fall apart. Not slightly tear up, no, this was going to be significant.

Oddly, I played the song all the way through. And I cried. And I missed her. And I played it through again, and again, and again.

When, on occasion, I go to that place, I generally swallow hard – fight it back. But on that day, something inside me said go ahead… miss her. It’s OK. Get it out.

It didn’t ruin my day, nor my week. I didn’t get stuck there. I’m still moving on. I’m still really happy.

I just temporarily needed to feel, to feel that sad again.

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  1. 22 years after the death of my children’s father and after a remarriage, divorce and remarriage, there are still those occasional times when I need to feel sad again … when our children got married, when our grandchildren were born – even now as the oldest grandson prepares to graduate high school. Things we had planned on sharing together .. and yes, 99% of the time my life is in the moment – celebrating today – but there are still THOSE moments … Namaste – I honor your journey – and wish you peace.

    Itty Bitty

    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 3, 2014

      I think you’re right – 99% is really good. It’s just that little .05-1% that goes back to the sadder parts.

  2. Possibly my favorite entry throughout the years & your book…you are getting through it & making it happen. I’ll never forget telling you one day (early on ) that it took me about five years & something just changed…but I can’t really say or articulate what “that” exactly was…and loss never leaves you…but you are different. And you are better than okay. “You’ve never really lived until you’ve grieved…” Bless you on this sunny day!!

  3. Aunt Susan

     /  February 2, 2014

    the trip through grief never ends, and sometimes we just need to slow down and remember.
    You are moving on, and that is good, but you will never totally forget. Remember you can always ask for a shoulder to lean on.

  4. First and foremost… you said it…. it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok to miss someone…that someone you loved with all your heart. Memories are strong… nothing can take them away. While you were sad and missed her, I pray you also can smile knowing those memories are treasured in your heart and mind forever.

    One person’s walk with grief is different than others, there is no timeline that says “Yep, you are done… grieving is over”. You loved her dearly, I know you still do, and that is a beautiful thing.

    I commend you for not holding back, for crying, for letting those emotions out… it’s healthy!


     /  February 2, 2014

    Love you Bruce. You are in our hearts and thoughts each and every day. Lisa loved her music and know that it has a way to bring us back, forward and present all that the same time.
    Annnnnd. .. don’t forget Cool and the Gang. . .:)

  6. Hunker down & know how much light and love your entire family shares with all! Thinking of you, xoxo,
    The Rehms


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