Sunday Post 157: Four Years Ago

It was four years ago tomorrow. Seems like longer. In many ways I’ve done more in the past four years than I did in the first forty-four. That’s actually sort of pathetic.

I don’t have the intense feelings of grief this time. There are a few, but it doesn’t feel like someone is stomping on my chest.

What I have noticed every February for the last four years, is that I find myself in a fog. It’s like I’m walking around in a card board box.

I’ve struggled to focus, like a fly on horse poo. I’ve missed a few appointments – one where I put the meeting in my calendar starting at 10 PM, not AM. The girls’ winter break snuck up on me. Didn’t line up child care until two weeks out. That’s not typical for me.

On Saturdays I usually conquer the world. Lately, I’m fine to sit. I’m not really doing anything – I guess I’m just thinking, sort of day dreaming.

Sitting – how uncharacteristic of me.

Knocking out push ups is a nightly activity year round. Right now each one feels like a mammoth undertaking.

I do find myself reliving that last week of her life. She in the hospital in her blue, cotton robe. Those last few days were painful.  Scary. Wish I could dismiss them. Unfortunately, they’re etched.

My buddy reminds me this is my month – “It was like this last year too Danny, remember?”

“Yeah, I do.” Hunker down. It’ll be over soon.

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22 Comments

  1. Applause, applause, applause; you are almost there.

    Reply
  2. Gentile

     /  February 23, 2014

    Love to you 😉

    Reply
  3. mylifeasabuzzard

     /  February 23, 2014

    Lisa would be so proud of you, Bruce. Thank you for sharing your journey to help so many. Your girls are as lovely as their mother. So grateful to have known Lisa and to know you. Thoughts and prayers to all the Permars and Hams. You all embody the ADPi creed ” We live for each other.”. Blessings! XOXOXO

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 23, 2014

      Took Bailey for a tour of UNC on Monday – had to drive by the house. Such great, great memories!

      Reply
  4. Thinking similar thoughts as March 3rd approaches…I certainly understand…my heart and prayers are with you and your family.

    Reply
  5. People always say “(insert tragic event) has happened for a reason”. I’ve never understood how people — even the most faithful people — can make that assumption, so please know that’s not my intent with this message. But I’ve only just realized that a year after Lisa’s death, the most miraculous event I’ve ever witnessed occurred. The birth of my little friend, Sam. http://realliferandomness.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-face.html?m=0
    He defied all odds, and he continues to do so now, 3 years later. I don’t think, in any way, that our gain changes your loss, but I do like the idea that a mother so loving as Lisa must have been might have put in a little extra fight for him up there in God’s ear.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 23, 2014

      That’s a really nice thought – and I gotta believe she’s doing all she can to help from above.

      Reply
  6. Eric

     /  February 23, 2014

    For me, I am going 8 months, since my wife passed. I thought it was getting better. But as the anniversary of her passing gets closer, I realize that fog is slowly creeping in, even now. Thinking all about the last few months my Isabelle was with us last year, it seems like it was yesterday. I am contend that this will be norm every year, but maybe a bit easier each year.

    I am sorry to hear that your fog comes back to you at this time of the year. But am glad you shared it with us, especially for me, as I prepare my first few years. It helps me to know grieving is something takes much time and no magical formula, pill, or counseling will make it disappear. It just happens and we are learning to live with it.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 23, 2014

      And you can be really, really happy with that permanent hole still there. It wound seldom hurts, but at times it is uncomfortable.

      Reply
  7. Thank you for sharing your journey–its SO very helpful!! March 1st will be 1 year for me and today’s post has helped me understand on why its been so hard for me to even move recently.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  February 23, 2014

      Like concrete in your shoes and your mind. It is so much easier the further you get out.

      Reply
  8. We are just a few months away from the 1 year mark of losing my brother (10 year age difference, I was a 2nd mom to him) and it is weird. I think it will always be weird, and I’ll always have a part of me missing, and I’m okay with that. I remember how upset he was with me the day I leaned over his hospital bed and snapped a selfie of the two of us, he hated that I take so many pictures – but that picture means so much, and I’ll never regret it! Sending you good energy and sending up special prayers for you and your family.

    Reply
  9. Sharon Padgett

     /  February 23, 2014

    as I finished your book last week i realized that I was reading on the actual weeks it was happening. Been thinking of you friend. I am so thankful you have so many living angels around you daily to love and support you…not to mention the angel that is watching over you and the girls daily…probably laughing her head off and shaking her head all at the same time! Love you!

    Reply
  10. I like the direct way you write, Sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  11. I read your story. It must have been though…but you are doing well…our prayers and thoughts are with you.

    Reply
  12. BH- You’ve made it another year. Smile brother, just smile at all you do have. The girls will keep you not only grounded, but happy.

    Reply
    • clepcoach

       /  March 7, 2014

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing my love. You’ve described how I feel each September. It’s when our daughter died. Even though she’s been gone 13 years, my heart still aches. Once the anniversary passes I am able to return to the new “normal” and most friends/family just don’t get the funk I enter each year during that month…

      Reply
      • Danny Tanner

         /  March 9, 2014

        13 years – wow. I had hoped it would subside one day. But I imagine that February will be tough, forever.

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