What are these things all over my house?


The first two years after Lisa died, I had no idea what these things were. I found them everywhere, especially in the summertime. Different shapes and sizes. Various colors.  In the laundry, on the bedroom floor, occasionally one precariously perched on a basement step.

I pondered their use.

Maybe one of the girls is dating a nice Jewish boy.

insert yamaka

Nah.  They would have told me.  None can hold a secret.

I remembered I once had a scratched retina.  Could it be a white eyepatch.

insert eyepatch


Maybe a broken earmuff –

insert earmuff

But why were they more prevalent in the summer?

I got some peanuts and sat down with my iPad to research.

insert peanuts

When DJ entered the house, she looked at me strangely.

“Why are you using a bra pad to store your nuts?”

Ahhh – it was all beginning to make sense.

My next questions were more difficult to answer:  Why aren’t they in the bra or the bathing suit?  Why are they scattered about our home?

What I found is that there are two kinds of chest inserts.  One is trapped – it can’t come out.  The second is gently nestled inside the outer cover but there is an opening on the side, like the fly on a man’s boxers.  But apparently this pad does not enjoy being cooped up.

The problem with both is that the insert is not sewn in.  It is loose.  So, if there isn’t an opening, the dang thing gets waded up and it looks like you’ve got a Beanie Baby shoved in your bosom.  If it does have a hole and it falls out, you can see full, unhampered boobage.

Neither is a good option.

Why don’t they secure this insert?  You wouldn’t toss some elastic around the waistline of your boxers and not sew it in!  No, you stabilize it with needle and thread so that there is no question that your underwear finish the day in the same place they started.

Who invents these things?

It should be me.

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Leave a comment


  1. jennysigmon

     /  June 4, 2014

    This one made me laugh out loud. We just had to have our washer repaired because one of Lucy’s unsecured bra pads got stuck somewhere in the drain of the washer – – $100 later and one less bra pad she had too learn to take them out. Why aren’t they all secured??????

  2. Lisa

     /  June 4, 2014

    Well done for a sensitive issue.
    By the way, I take mine out too. They just don’t look natural. Hmmm, perhaps I’ve revealed too much. 😁

  3. Kathy S

     /  June 4, 2014

    Thanks for the laugh, I too have wondered why the heck those things aren’t sewn in the swimsuits! Storing your nuts, ha ha ha. I enjoy your blog, always gives me a smile or something good to ponder.

  4. Loved all your options for it! I’m showing my age – but my first thought was “why do they still have clothes with shoulder pads?” By the second picture I had figured it out and was giggling 🙂

    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 4, 2014

      Thankfully those are out of style for the moment.

  5. HILARIOUS! Yes you should!

  6. These things annoy me to no end. I think that they should all be sewn in, full stop! (And speaking of the girls’ sartorial choices, I saw DJ shopping for camp and she said you didn’t approve of her new cutoffs. I say, ” let them wear cutoffs if they have the legs to do it!” Which she does. (Which, I suppose, is the problem. Feel free to remind me of this when Ballard is old enough to wear them.)

    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 4, 2014

      If I make one comment about her clothing, even in jest, to her I don’t like it. My only issue with DJ’s shorts are when I can see her bootie hanging out the bottom!

  7. Aunt Susan

     /  June 4, 2014

    you suffer so much….

  8. I do not have any bras like that, although my otherwise perfect swimsuit is guilty of this flaw…perhaps it saves in production costs, or perhaps it is meant to seem like women are being given more choices. Or both.

  9. Even when they are sewn in they get all bunches up between the fabrics and then when wearing the suit or dress you have to play around with them till you can finally flatten them out, in the time your doing that your kids are starring at you with one eyebrow up going Mom what are you doooooing?

  10. You just educated me. I had no clue!🙉

  11. lola

     /  June 11, 2014

    I’m a ‘wanna be a blogger when I grow up’.
    I found your blog, it made me smile.
    My dad died of cancer 8 years ago and it was tough.
    But time heals and like you I had moments of ( and I still do)
    “where in the heck is God?”
    He is everywhere.


    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 11, 2014

      Sometimes hard to see, but I think you’re right.

  12. This was really funny 🙂 Thanks


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