It’s never, ever, ever good when you get that urgent Christmas tree catastrophe call.
Text last Monday: The Christmas tree fell. Come home now.
I’ve received that communique twice in my life.
I like pretty big Christmas trees; we have two. This year, the small one has about an 8″ diameter trunk. I screwed the supports into the booger with the same vigor I used to bolt my tires onto my car. I mean business! I actually use pliers to twist the metal in – sap oozes down my fingers. When I was finished, the jessie was standing as straight as Miss Alabama in the Miss American contest.
I evened out the ornaments and gave it a little shake to make sure it was secure.
It stood for days – and then, ker-plunk!
Special ornaments were busted and Fraser fir needles were scattered around like germs from a sneeze. I’m gonna be vacuuming those dudes up in July.
Why can’t they make a tree stand that can hold a durn tree up? Would you make Tupperware that couldn’t hold soup???
As if getting the lights to stay on isn’t enough of a challenge, we have to deal with this too! You can’t buy a Christmas tree stand that is big and sturdy enough to ensure verticality. Would we try to balance the Statue of Liberty on a thimble? I think not! Target, Walmart, Home Depot – HELP US!
I lifted the thing back up, rehung the lights that once lay on the top of the tree but had moved to its waist, and tied her with bobbed wire onto two separate door handles. If it comes down again, the door frame to my front porch is coming with it, and I’m gonna take it directly to the street – lights, ornaments, garland and all!