The Horizontal Christmas Tree

xmas tree horizontal

It’s never, ever, ever good when you get that urgent Christmas tree catastrophe call.

Text last Monday:  The Christmas tree fell.  Come home now.

I’ve received that communique twice in my life.

I like pretty big Christmas trees; we have two.  This year, the small one has about an 8″ diameter trunk.  I screwed the supports into the booger with the same vigor I used to bolt my tires onto my car.  I mean business!  I actually use pliers to twist the metal in – sap oozes down my fingers.  When I was finished, the jessie was standing as straight as Miss Alabama in the Miss American contest.

I evened out the ornaments and gave it a little shake to make sure it was secure.

It stood for days – and then, ker-plunk!

Special ornaments were busted and Fraser fir needles were scattered around like germs from a sneeze.  I’m gonna be vacuuming those dudes up in July.

Why can’t they make a tree stand that can hold a durn tree up?  Would you make Tupperware that couldn’t hold soup???

As if getting the lights to stay on isn’t enough of a challenge, we have to deal with this too!  You can’t buy a Christmas tree stand that is big and sturdy enough to ensure verticality.  Would we try to balance the Statue of Liberty on a thimble?  I think not!  Target, Walmart, Home Depot – HELP US!

xmas tree horizontal 2

I lifted the thing back up, rehung the lights that once lay on the top of the tree but had moved to its waist, and tied her with bobbed wire onto two separate door handles.  If it comes down again, the door frame to my front porch is coming with it, and I’m gonna take it directly to the street – lights, ornaments, garland and all!


Leave a comment


  1. Hahaha. My first thought was that you had a cat. That would have made perfect sense.

  2. kidcityblog4hope

     /  December 17, 2014

    It’s time to splurge Bruce

    Best stand out there (and no sap hands)

    I know you and your wallet so I’ll just ask, how much are your special ornaments worth? 😉

    Miss you bro!

  3. Bryanc

     /  December 17, 2014

    Time to splurge Bruce…

    Best one out there (and no sap hands!)

    I know you and your wallet, so I’ll just ask, how much are your special ornaments worth?

    Miss you bro!

  4. Oh no! I hope it worked out. Good luck and happy holidays.

  5. Katherine Hodges

     /  December 17, 2014

    Bruce – try Krinner Tree Genie – we have the XL so it will work for any size tree. It is the BEST. Merry Christmas! Katherine and John Hodges

  6. wow. how did it DARE to topple over?

  7. lynnjoan

     /  December 18, 2014

    We’ve had the same thing happen….since then ( maybe 15 years ago?), we put the tree in a bucket (5 gallon tall bucket!) and wire the tree to our bookcase. It works like a charm, never fallen down again! We cover the bucket up with a “tree skirt”, a sheet or tablecloth…and it’s tons cheaper than ANYTHING you can buy and it works. 🙂

  8. Courtney

     /  December 24, 2014

    This also happened to Shawn and I… except that it was 3:30 in the morning Imagine having to wake up at the crack of dawn to clean up that mess!


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