The $80 Knife

cutco knife

It must have been a Saturday in about 2005, I can’t remember exactly.  All I know is that Lisa told me she had an appointment at the house on a Saturday afternoon.  She was cryptic.  I thought maybe it was the traveling bra saleswoman with an enormous suitcase who visited my mom back in 1974.  I didn’t ask.  I didn’t want to know.

That afternoon, an attractive young woman drove up to the house.  She got out of the car with a magazine and a bag the size of a large purse.  I was trimming bushes in the front yard.

“Are you Mr. Tanner?” she inquired as she walked up our front steps.

I held my stomach in and puffed out my chest wanting not to look as close to 40 as I was.

“Yes.  I am.  Mrs. Tanner is inside.”

“Here, use these.”

She walked over to me and pulled out a pair of hand held yard clippers from her bag.

“These are Cutco Clippers.  The best in the world.”

I nodded and resumed my work on her dime.

Damn. I thought to myself.  These things could cut brick.

I’d found the Cadillac of cutlery.

It wasn’t until last week that I discovered that the three knives my wife had purchased from a struggling younger sorority sister 12 years ago cost well over $100 each!

What’s worse than a cute sorority girl selling you knives that you can’t afford?  A dear friend’s son selling you knives that you can’t afford.

Ben called on a Wednesday.  “Mr. Tanner, I’m selling knives, and if I don’t meet with you, I won’t meet my quota this week.  You don’t have to buy anything.  I’m new at this.  I just need appointments and experience.”

When he arrived, he had me pull out a couple of my old knives, not the Cutcos that Lisa had purchased, the rusty ones with the wooden handles.  He then proceeded to give me the schpill, complete with demonstrations.

“Now, Mr. Tanner, cut this rope with your knife.”

As I sawed through the thick tread, he counted my swipes – 1…2…3…13…15..29.

“Twenty nine.  WOW.  Never seen it take that many before.  Now try it with the Cutco.  1…”

“Man, that would come in handy if I was trying to cut someone loose from a Totem Pole.  How does it work on a cucumber?”

We sliced through leather, and he pointed out the inadequacies of my collection and the unique engineering and craftsmanship of his.

I’ll have to say, he had me.  I was ready to pounce.

I asked about price several times during our hour and a half long visit.  He looked down avoiding my inquiry.

He explained to me that there was a major Cutco convention in Atlanta in February and that he only needed to sell two more table knives to get his trip to attend paid in full.

I headed to grab my checkbook.  These boogers could cut like Tarzan’s bayonet.  I would be the envy of all other widowers working to feed their children something other than French fries.

He showed me a listing of their competition’s pricing, a full set at $2,800.  “We are better than them, so you’d expect to pay more for the same set of Cutco, huh?”

“Ahhh…”  I sat down.

“Our price is half that!  Only $1,400!”

“Do you sell them individually?  Like only 1?”  I so wanted to support.

He proceeded to walk me through the multiple sets you could buy.  Sort of like the school picture packages – A:  17 wallets, 18 4 x 6s, 10 5 x 7s, an 8 x 10 and if you order today, a life size 14 x 36.

I wanted package F:  the 5 x 7.

Although I hated to diminish his dreams of Atlanta, what in the heck would I do with two table knives?  Lisa’s mother would look down on passing the steak knife from person to person on Thanksgiving day.  And a set was out of the question.  Besides, what kind of college kid wants to spend a weekend at a knife salesperson convention?  That is not healthy.  He should be out under aged drinking with friends.

Besides, I already had three of his knives from 2005., and they still cut as if they were only 2 years old.

It took some work, but I talked him into letting me just buy one knife.  The cheese cutter.  My FAVORITE food.

It was only about $86 with tax.

I’m renting it out for parties – $10 per night, if anyone is interested.

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18 Comments

  1. Good lord. Now I want to buy me one!

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  January 22, 2016

      Save up – but you’ll never buy another knife in your life!

      Reply
  2. I think of Lisa every time I use my Cutco – she’s the one who set up the app’t for me with that “cute sorority girl”!!!!!

    Reply
  3. 😄😄😄 that young man has a BRIGHT sales career.

    Reply
  4. If I can’t cut it with my wal-mart knife, I just set it on fire. Pfftt.

    Reply
  5. Loved this story!

    Reply
  6. courtney

     /  January 20, 2016

    I sold cutco and still have my demo set of knives…20 yrs later. Love them.

    Reply
  7. Kooky Chic

     /  January 20, 2016

    Well done for managing to buy only one 🙂

    Reply
  8. Aunt Susan

     /  January 20, 2016

    I so expect to see that cheese knife the net time I am in town. I will call to set a time! Do you serve the cheese on a silver platter? with really expensive crackers?

    Reply
  9. I was wondering if I could come by and show you a vacuum cleaner?

    Reply
  10. Culinary D.

     /  June 19, 2017

    How much is the cute sorority girl?

    Reply
  11. Culinary D.

     /  June 19, 2017

    Actually, we fell for the Cutco kitchen shears. Scissors in any other language. The part that sold us was when the young college kid striving to make his quota (boy they have that pitch DOWN) pulled out a shiny Abraham Lincoln (no, not a Benjamin, not a Hamilton, Cutco won’t give away THAT shot), a copper penny circa 2016 — I didn’t even know they still MAKE pennies! Maybe Cutco has a deal with the mint?? — and proceeded to cut a lethal ninja-type slice into the sleepy mole-speckled face of Good Old Abe. We still have that penny somewhere, just in case anyone ever tries to break in we’ll fling our shiny barbed pellet at them and shred them like razor wire.

    Well yesterday, Father’s Day, my dear daughter gave me a completely inappropriate gift: a key chain with heart cut, and the missing silver heart for her to wear as a matching necklace. A package deal: something for me, something for her. Gotta love the way she shops: “Father’s Day… Cool! What do I get??”

    So we replaced my current key chain, a thin circle of baling wire, with the shiny new silver gift. Here, hon, I’ll just cut that old wire with my Cutco shears. Remember? They cut the penny. A battle ensued. The wire won. Dad lost. The “American Made and committed to keeping it that way” shears are now damaged and being returned as part of the Forever Guarantee: If at any time you are not completely satisfied with the performance of your Cutco product, we will correct the problem or replace the product. Forever.

    My regular chicken shears made in China cost $4 and have lasted forever. But I never use them to cut wire. My chicken comes packaged without pennies or wire.

    But back to the key chain. “Inappropriate gift,” you ask?

    Well. The key chain says,

    there is
    this girl
    she stole my
    ❤️
    she calls me
    DADDY

    And on the shiny heart dangling from a silver chain, is inscribed, “Daddy’s girl.”

    Trouble is, I gave that same necklace to my girlfriend.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  July 4, 2017

      I was unable to afford the scissors – I decided to put my kid through college instead. However, our salesperson did indeed cut the penny. It was quite impressive!

      Reply

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