I HATE Snakes!

black_snake_l1

About two years ago, my fiancé, Julie, sent me a frantic text.  It was afternoon.  I was sitting at my desk.

I’ve been bitten by a snake. 

Julie has a large natural area in the front of her house.  She walks her dog down to the mailbox most afternoons.  On this particular day, the coiled up viper saw her.  He was jaywalking across her driveway.  Unfortunately, she didn’t see him.

Ever since, I’ve been leery of walking outdoors in Charlotte, NC.  I DON’T LIKE SNAKES, and apparently on that side of our state they are rampant!

Therefore, I was rather taken aback two weeks ago when I walked into Julie’s kitchen on a lazy Saturday morning at 10.  It was hazy outside – thus not real bright inside the house.  I glanced down at the floor and saw a long, black, squiggly rope half way under the fridge.

I stopped.

It was still.

I turned on the light.

It was still still.

I took a step forward wondering if it could be rubber foam from underneath her appliance that had fallen off.

As I approached, the squiggle wiggled.

“JULIE!  COME HERE!  NOW!  There’s a SNAKE in the KITCHEN!”

By the time she entered, homeboy had slid all the way under.

I don’t care if a snake is black, white or polka dot.  Poisonous?  Doesn’t matter.  As a friend says, I don’t trust nothing that ain’t got shoulders.

Julie called Critter Control.  He said they didn’t have a technician on hand and that it was the weekend.  They’d charge an awful lot to come get him.

“I’ll pitch in!”  I yelled.

I love my money, but I hate snakes more.

He told her to call 311, it’s a city number.  And to tell them the snake was distressing her.  That would not have been a lie.

What the heck is 311?  It sounds like a place that you put people who flunk out of the Police Academy.

I told Julie to watch the refrigerator – not to let the snake out of her sight while I went to get a weapon.

When I came back in, Julie was chatting it up with the 311 operator while she stood on the other side of the dining room.  Julie tends to stroll around when she’s talking on the phone.

“You’re not watching the snake!!!!”

But she and the operator were having a lovely conversation.

It was clear that this job was not going to be taken care of by a professional.  No.  It was going to be taken care of by me.

We called Joe, a neighbor.  Joe too dislikes snakes, but perhaps less than I.

Joe asked, “Danny, do you want to pull the refrigerator out from the wall, or do you want to kill the snake.”

That’s like asking “Do you want a hand full of cash or a rectal exam?”  But it was my fiancé’s house, I had to offer.

“You pick Joe!  I’ll do either.”

I’m sure he could sense fear.

“I’ve never killed a snake before.  This’ll be a great story for my wife.”

I love Joe.

He got the spade. I grabbed the appliance.  As I started shifting it forward, Joe informed me that our friend was headed my way.  I jumped ten feet in the air grabbing my flat shovel in the process.  He squirmed along the baseboard with his mouth wide open.  His fangs were enormous (or maybe incisors, I couldn’t really tell).  I pinned him against the wall as he squirmed for his life.  Joe got his tool near his head.  Victory was ours.

The next day the critter man did come out.  He checked for entry points.  Nothing.  I’m guessing he came in through the door just like the rest of us.

The only unanswered question I have from this incident is “Why would someone work for Critter Control?”  I just don’t get it.

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6 Comments

  1. Jo Nance

     /  July 25, 2018

    I have had two similar experiences! How bad was Julie’s bite? I could have done without the pic…

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  August 5, 2018

      She was on her back for weeks and on crutches for quite a while. She had to get the anti-venom. did you get bitten?

      Reply
  2. Mom

     /  July 25, 2018

    I would start moving that day. On my way to a motel or Chad and Mel’s house immediately.. You figure if there is one his mate is not far behind. What right do they have to just walk into someone’s house without an invitation? You do remember the time you and Chad threw a rubber snake on me in a store, don’t you? You do remember the loud scream that came from my wide open mouth, I would imagine. That was the last time I got a snake, real or rubber thrown on me. To this day the most I can do to help is stand there and scream when I see one. It in an involuntary response. I don’t want training in how to like snakes either. There has been enmity between women and snakes from the beginning of man. As far as I’m concerned, I’m perfectly content with that arrangement. Tell Julie I will see her in Raleigh or Fayetteville but not in Charlotte.

    Reply
  3. Sara

     /  July 25, 2018

    Your Mom left an interesting comment about an incident from (I’m guessing?) your childhood. I’d be interested in reading more about that someday….

    Reply
  4. Aunt Susan

     /  July 27, 2018

    yes but aren’t you glad somebody works for critter control? What kind was it? did it have a name? Remember his family was here long before you! HI Julie

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  August 5, 2018

      I have no idea what kind he was. I didn’t ask him and I didn’t get close enough to see.

      Reply

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