The Colonoscopy Chronicle

Just waiting for the cranberry to kick in…

Tuesday, May 21, 4:45 PM

Colonoscopy scheduled for 8:45 AM tomorrow.  Let the games begin!

I just drank a bottle of Clenpiq.  It is supposed to clean out my colon.  Actually mine stays fairly clean – if you know what I mean.  The box says it is cranberry flavored.  Is that what that was?  Maybe cranberries that were eaten and thrown back up.  Mixed with rotten cabbage.  And raw beets.  Dis-gusting.

At work today, they served make-your-own deli sandwiches at our Board meeting.  I drank water.  In fact, I haven’t had solid food since last night.  I fear that out of desperation, my stomach will eat my spleen.

I am sucking a lemon cough drop to rid myself of the “cranberry” taste.  It is embedded in the crevasses of my mouth.

7:11 PM

Ooops.  Forgot to take the laxative at noon.  Well, forget is the wrong word.  I choose not to take it because I work.  Someone told me I should have taken Tuesday off for the prep.  What would I tell HR?  I need the day off to poop?  I’ll take it now.  Better late than never.  I guess.

7:42 PM

The laxative is working.  Thank goodness for Spider solitaire.  I wish I had a TV in my bathroom.

9:22 PM

I am now peeing out of all orifices.  This is unreal.  It is as clear as Evian.

10:56 PM

This must end.

Wednesday, May 22, 2:00 AM

Henson and Fuerst Law Firm.  Who advertises on local TV at 2 AM??  Who is watching this except people prepping for their colonoscopy who also didn’t take the laxative until 7:11 PM?  I think those attorneys need a new marketing director.

6:00 AM

It continues but how?  I think the fluid from my brain is coming out.

8:45 AM

I am nude save a cotton gown with a slit up the back.

Me:  “Can I get the IV in my hand?  I don’t like you digging in my arm veins with that teeny little needle.”

Nurse:  “You can if you have good veins in your hand.”

Me:  “I have the best hand veins your eyes have ever seen.”

9:12 AM

“We’re gonna give you some medicine that will make you drowsy.”

10:01 AM

“Mr. Tanner, it’s time to wake up.”

Honestly, I have no idea what happened in that 49 minutes of my life.  They could have shot me out of a cannon at the circus.  Who knows what they did to me?  I feel so clean.

Doctor:  “You have a beautiful colon.”

Me:  “I KNEW it!”

I also had an endoscopy.  They stretched my esophagus so I could eat larger amounts of food more quickly.

10:50 AM

Chicken salad bagel, salt and vinegar chips, coffee.

Free and clear.  Ten more years til the next.

 

My wife died nine years ago at age 39 from colon cancer.  We take colonosopying very seriously at my house.  My daughters will start theirs at age 29 due to family history.  If you are 50, don’t delay, make your appointment today.  If you are any age and are having significant issues with your digestive system, please go get checked.  If you have a family history, you already know what to do.  Many forms of this disease are treatable if caught early.

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8 Comments

  1. Courtney and Jeremy Thompson

     /  May 29, 2019

    Hi Bruce,

    Yes b/c of my family history with my Father passing at 58 due to colon cancer, I have always been very aware of “using the bathroom”. I started to have some bowel changes and had my first scope at 37 and they found polyps, benign but still very young to have them…so I have the luxury of having them every 5 years. I am still clean but I also had a maternal grandmother who had it and lived 20 yrs after she had her tumor removed.

    Your girls will probably have to do the same go more frequently than 10 yrs, once they reach a certain age if not from the beginning. Thanks for a great laugh or two…loved the post.

    All the best,

    Courtney Searcy Thompson

    Sent from Outlook

    ________________________________

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 8, 2019

      They will be getting scoped on a very regular basis! Hope you are well!

      Reply
  2. Jean B Ham

     /  May 29, 2019

    You made me laugh out loud. You’re good at making me laugh. I’m sorry you had to have this test but you were wise to do it. When you get old you don’t have to have them any more. Just think…when you get in your 70s and 80s you don’t have to worry about that! For now, enjoy your colonoscopies. They assure you that you’re really not old.

    Reply
    • Danny Tanner

       /  June 8, 2019

      Hmm. I’m not sure whether to wish I was 81 or not.

      Reply
  3. Susan Permar

     /  May 29, 2019

    What timing, I start my prep on Sunday and have my appointment for 7:50 a.m.
    I have been dreading the prep, not the fasting just that awful prep, but over the years it has gotten better.
    I still wish I hadn’t read this first!
    glad all was good for you and the girls are starting early!

    Reply
  4. I think someone has stolen this and made a meme on facebook from it. Next time I come across it I will share it here..unless you already know…?

    Reply

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