I have discovered a couple things during COVID. First, I believe my head is crooked. I never knew that before.
Early on in this crisis, I ordered a stack of cloth facemasks with elastic that goes over each ear. I put the device on my head, working diligently to protect my aging self from this deadly disease. As I walked through the Food Lion, my left ear began to ache on the produce aisle, which is at the very front of the store. I turned my mask around, thinking that perhaps one side had a shorter piece of elastic. By bacon and bologna, I had to stop to take a mask break. The pain was excruciating. I rested my cartilage and breathed away from the meat. By the empty toilet paper section, I gave up. The mask was off.
I assumed it was a faulty item. When I got home, I tried another. Again, the backside of my left ear ached like heck. After multiple masks and multiple tries, there was no other explanation. I believe my left ear is absolutely positioned further back on my head than the right thus pulling more aggressively and causing pain. I even tried to measure. I picked a spot in the middle of my nose and with a tape measure tried to determine the distance between my nostril connector to the front of each ear. And then, I decided, that perhaps my nose slanted to the left. I think I need plastic surgery. Nothing is even.
I prefer the soft masks to the more molded ones. Those make me look like a resident of Whoville.
I now wear a bandana.
The second thing I’ve learned is that some people are NOT good at social distancing. My mother and fiancé included. 83-year-old Jean is apparently walking laps at the church instead of her typical haunt, Cross Creek Mall. Rumor has it, she has been seen hugging men in the lobby – even on weekdays. Julie, the woman I love, also hugged a friend in downtown Charlotte Saturday and stood in the middle of a very large group of people to hear/see the guest speaker at a good sized event. I was interested too but could hear just fine from the back – she kept edging up.
“You’re too close to people!” I implored.
“I can’t see,” she explained.
“We are in a pandemic! Seeing is less important than usual!”
Additionally, the top of her facemask is typically below her bottom lip. She might as well put on a necklace. It would do as much good and might likely compliment her outfit more.
What am I going to do with these people in my life?
I am ready to go back – back to normal. School. Work. Bars. Restaurants. The ability to see my girlfriend’s entire face. A visit with my parents. A sassy teenager with too many social plans. The SAT. Vacation. Security at the airport. Plenty of toilet paper and chicken. Hot yoga with people sweating all in my space. Church. The dentist. Running late for work and 5:00 traffic. ALL of these things I miss! And I miss many of you too.
The Real Fuller House 
Jean B Ham
/ June 24, 2020I’m way past ready to go back to normal. I’m beginning to think it will never happen. By the way, I understand Julie’s not being able to see. I rarely see the speaker in any event unless I am sitting on the front row or hanging out of the side of the pew. If you could find a way to stretch us a little we would be able to see better. You six feet people just don’t understand. OR you could let us sit on your shoulders. Then we could stand as far back as you want to. Now. I have solved the whole problem. Just tell Julie that the next time she needs to see she needs to just jump on your shoulders and everything will be OK. Mom.
Danny Tanner
/ July 6, 2020I will tell her!