Oh My Grumbling Stomach

My motivational calendar

And then he starved to death.

My blood sugar is high.  My cholesterol is high.  I don’t sleep well.  And I just got rid of a bad case of toenail fungus.

A nightly phone call from my bride to be often goes like this:

Julie:  “Hey honey, what are you doing tonight?”

Me:  “Eating Toll House cookie dough.”

Julie:  “Hmm.”

Did you know you can buy a tub of that stuff for $5.65 from the Food Lion?  No baking needed.  Just a spoon and a willing mouth.  I have both.

Julie wondered if we made a slight adjustment in our diets, perhaps we could reset our systems, clean up my bloodwork, and get her to her fighting weight before the holidays.  We had exactly 30 days between our last parent weekend and grandma’s Thanksgiving dinner.

“Let’s try Whole 30,” she suggested.

“What is that?” I inquired.

“It is a thirty day plan that helps cleanse your system and reset your relationship with food.”

“I like my relationship with food!  I eat what I want when I want.  The food just lies there in the box until I call upon it to meet my needs.  It’s extremely uncomplicated unlike a lot of my other relationships.”

Whole 30 bans breads, pastas, sugar (including cookie dough), dairy (did you know cheese is considered dairy???), beans, peanuts and alcohol.  I live on Wheat Thins (banned), cheese (nope), red wine (uh – oh) and cookie dough (OF COURSE NOT).  This was a nightmare waiting to happen.

My problem is that I am very determined.  All Julie had to say was, “Well if you don’t think you can do it…”

She knows I can’t back away from a challenge.  “Besides,” she reminded me, “you can have all the vegetables you want.”

Oh.  Yippee…

The first sixteen days I was golden.  Well, not really golden, but at least a slight shade of yellow.  I will admit one night I had to brush my teeth and take an Ambien to keep myself from driving to the gro to pick up the dough.  The urge was significant.  But I set up a star system to reward myself when I saw success.  A red mark for following the diet.  Green for a workout.  I like praise, even if only from myself.

At the beginning of week two, when I reported to my competitor that I’d lost eight pounds, my partner in crime was not happy.

“You have to eat more!  Your goal is NOT to lose weight!  Your goal is to clean up your blood!”

I was actually eating more food than I had in decades.  But it’s hard to take in 2,700 calories a day when all you can eat is bib lettuce and salmon.  It’s truly amazing how much you can eat when you put the right things in your body.  All day long I’d nibble with three big meals in between.  I felt like a grazing cow.  And yet my weight was falling off.

On day 17 I headed to Vancouver for a work trip.  I knew I was in trouble when I got to the restaurant with my co-workers and the three appetizers on the table were:  pizza, bread, and chips with guacamole.  Julie was with me but had stopped at the bathroom before we sat down.  When she arrived at the table, I looked at her longingly, “We have a problem…”

She looked down the table.  She could see flour in my thought bubble.  We took the day off – and then headed straight back to cauliflower and broccolini the following night.

As I write, we have eight more days to go.  And actually, with our infraction, we’re doing the Whole 29.  The creator of the diet says that if you break the diet you have to start over.  If she thinks I’m heading back to day 1 after 16 successful days of wheathinlessness, she’s can think again.  I challenge her to eat cookie dough 29 days in a row… not as easy as it might seem.

I do think this experience is changing my relationship with food.  I have greater respect for spinach, am finding an odd attraction to boiled eggs, and I don’t think I’ll be upset if sourdough only shows up on special occasions.  But cookie dough – un, still can’t get her off my mind.

“Thank you, I’ll just have an orange.”


Dr. Goldman:  “I think you should go gluten-free for two weeks.  See if it helps.”

Me:  “What can you eat if you’re gluten-free?”

Dr. Goldman:  “Oh, there are lots of things you can eat without gluten.”

That is a lie.  If you go gluten-free, you can only eat oranges.

I returned home, hungry.  I opened the snack drawer.

Wheat thins?  Nope.

Goldfish?  Nope.

Cheese-Its?  Nah.

Maybe I’ll order Chinese tonight – oh no, soy sauce has gluten too.

FRICKIN’ SOY SAUCE HAS GLUTEN.  How can soy sauce be made out of wheat?  It’s insane.

Finally, I purchased some items to make my two week food adventure a possibility.  The new spaghetti noodles looked fine in the package.  When I poured them out of the pot, they had grown.  Not length wise, but in width.  They were bloated – like the woman in the Midol commercial.  And gray – talk about unappetizing.  I felt like I was eating the stuff from Beauty and the Beast, “Try the gray stuff, it’s delicious!”  No, no it’s not.  I’ll just have the sauce which I’m not even sure is g. free.  But I didn’t check because I’d already lost 3 pounds and it was only day two.

I bought some crackers, made from brown rice.  You can’t make crackers out of rice.  I put one in my mouth.  Tasted like a crispy paper towel or an old man’s toenail.

I dipped it in pimento cheese – added jalapenos to cover the yuck.  But I just kept thinking about my grandfather’s feet.  Un.

I haven’t had a beer in 10 days.  I can’t eat lunch meat, my mid day staple.  Bread?  Forget about it.

Went to get dessert with a friend one night last week – bread pudding?  Double chocolate brownie?  Peanut Butter pie?

Nah, I’ll just have nilla ice cream thank you.

I feel like I’m four years old.

I think I’ll just have an orange.  Bought two bags of them.  At least I’ll have my daily allowance of vitamin C.

  • Tanner Tweets

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 11,915 other followers
  • Past Posts

  • Contact Us