Tea and Boots

No!

 

No!

Yes!

Posted by Danny

I get a lot of emails.  I enjoy the ones from friends – making plans or sharing news.  And most of the ones at work are important enough to read.  But bulk emails from school, dance, church, sports teams, etc., etc. get me down. 

The volume of information coming at me is sometimes overwhelming.  There are so many things to read and each is so very…very long. 

I am amazed at how many sentences it takes to remind me to send money to school.  Don’t wish me a good day or tell me the kids’ activities for the week.  Just tell me what I need to do:  Bruce, Send $10 on Wednesday.  I will obey.

I don’t care what it’s for – the teacher can use it to buy a farm animal for her great-aunt.  No explanation needed.  Just get to the chase!  

DJ is in a a mother/daughter service club.  It’s a great organization that does incredible work throughout the community.  This group has a weekly email that gives the details for the upcoming activities – it is fairly short and to the point.  But recently the 9th grade class was responsible for putting on a tea.  And the reminder came out two days before the important event.

Email 1:  Details, details, details…and remember, you can’t wear boots to the tea.

Email 2 (from a mother responding to all):  You can wear boots to the tea.

Email 3 (from another mother responding to all):  No, you can’t wear boots.

Email 4 (you get the picture):  Yes – you can wear boots to the tea but they have to be dress boots.  You can’t wear Uggs or riding boots.

Email 5:  No – no boots. 

Email 6:  Anyone can wear boots but the 9th graders – they are hosting the tea and cannot wear boots.  And they aren’t allowed to eat.

Who hosts a party and doesn’t eat?

Email 7:  We talked about this for 15 minutes at the last meeting.  You can wear dress boots.

Email 8:  Attachment: The bylaws of the organization (I did not read them but there must be something in there about boots and teas).

I deleted Emails 9, 10 and 11 before reading them because I had to go pick up the kids. 

Fortunately, the boot situation was not an issue for us.  DJ has at least one pair of shoes that are not boots.  That must not be the case for some of the other girls.

My sister-in-law was taking DJ to the tea.  It took me 30 minutes to explain to her what shoes she could wear.  I made her come by our house before the event to ensure that she didn’t try to sneak in with a pair of rain boots (they weren’t specifically singled out).  I could see Aunt Sallie trying to push the envelope.  She wore heels.  I was relieved.

I actually understand the No Ugg policy.  My girls would wear them to a Nascar race or to the Royal wedding.  They have no Ugg filter.  These women are just trying to teach some manners – and lord knows I need help with that. 

But I was convinced with the first email…

Email 1:  No boots…

My response:  OK…

Apparently the party was grand, and they did get to eat – but just in the kitchen.  Probably a good idea.  I could see my girls sipping punch out of the ladle.

The Count Danny Tanner

Posted by Danny

I recently shared that I really, really like my cape and top hat from the play.  I sort of feel like I should be chanting da-da-da-da da-da-da-da  da-da-da-da da-da-da-da Bat Man as I wander around back stage.  I’m spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to bring these incredible clothing items back into vogue. 

The more time I spend in my 19th century clothing, the more desire I have to be a Count.

Someone at work told me you could buy a title – I looked on line and apparently for $49.99 I could be a Scottish Laird or Lord.  But I’d prefer Count – or maybe a Baron.

I’m not really into biting anyone’s neck, and I get quiezy at the sight of blood, but Dracula was pretty cool.  As I walked through the halls of work today panomiming to my friends how I foreboding I could be in a cape, a lady I work with suggested I was less Count Dracula and more Count Chocula. 

I don’t think it would go over very well for me to walk into my Rotary Club meeting wearing a cape and top hat this winter.  And it probably wouldn’t help me move up the corporate ladder to don a cloak to a board meeting.  But when I hit the New York Times best seller list and blow this cookie stand, no holes barred.  You’ll see me at Barnes and Nobles at the book  signing table in full regalia.   

I bet 90% of men out there would enjoy wearing a cape.  Let’s ban together and bring them back!  Not surprising, Jesse already has one (seriously).  All we need is about 50 prominate guys in the Triangle Area to take the plunge and we’re there!  Hit me back if you’re in –

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Shoe

IMG_2224

Posted by Danny

I received a text from Jesse at 4 pm on Friday, December 23:  What size shoes do the girls wear?

Seriously?  Jesse was buying shoes for the girls’ Christmas presents?  I wondered which thrift shop had a kids’ shoe sale going on 36 hours before his yuletide deadline.

When we arrived home from the late Christmas Eve service at a neighborhood church, I broached the subject.  “Did you really buy shoes for the girls for Christmas?”  I didn’t want him to think I was questioning his tween fashion sense – but based on other uncle/niece purchases, I feared he was way off base.  He refused to answer my question – said it was a surprise.

For the past five years, Jesse has purchased each girl a used CD – and one with what he would consider a classic.  I think he blames me for their lack of enthusiasm for the Beatles, Paul Simon and Billy Joel (DJ claims the box set he gave her had every song Billy Joel ever sang, starting at his church Christmas pageant as a child).  Jesse thinks I should force them to listen to my music.  Dear Lord, please let me live long enough to see him with three daughters – that is my one request.

This year the girls pooled their funds and purchased him the Justin Bieber Christmas CD.  DJ said it was time Jesse became exposed to some of their classics.  Touche!

So, on Sunday, after opening the Santa gifts and the things I had purchased for the kids, Jesse grabbed a Target bag and began handing out footwear.  You’d have thought he had purchased gold, frankincense and myrrh – he was so excited.  As each girl opened her shoebox, they looked perplexed.  Not only was there a plain pair of black flats in each box, but there were also bottles of glitter and decoupage.  DJ caught my eye – her look?  What in the heck is happening here?   Steph began thanking him profusely – she’d already been prepped to appreciate any gift she was given, regardless of its usefulness or her level of excitement for it.

As they sat there, his explanation began.  “I talked to a friend of mine, one who has really good fashion sense, and apparently girls are wearing shoes with sparkles this year.  My friend said that you could even make them yourself.  I downloaded a blog with directions and have all of the supplies.”  He then proceeded to explain the process of covering the shoes with glue, applying the glitter, repeating the process and finishing it off with a coat of decoupage. 

I’ll have to admit, I was impressed.  All this coming from a guy who hasn’t changed his bath towel since Labor Day.

Jesse is a man of many talents – some more masculine, like playing a mean game of basketball; some more on his softer side, like dancing.  However, I don’t see arts and crafts as one of his strengths.  You can’t even read the man’s handwriting.

I told the girls that if he hadn’t followed through with the shoes by the end of January, we’d give the bag of supplies to their babysitter.  She can make pottery out of a carrot and a piece of construction paper.

Stay tuned.  There is sure to be a follow-up blog post on this particular project! 

 

Pedicure 101

Posted by Danny

My mother-in-law gave me a gift certificate for a pedicure for my birthday.  Eee.  I’m just not so sure about that.

I’ve been to the salon on several occasions – primarily to drop a kid off or pick one up.  Did you know they have this blow dryer for your fingers?  You stick your newly painted digits under these tiny Barbie fans and BOOM – you’re set to go!

Last year we had a birthday party there, not mine but one of the girls.  I really wanted to put my tongue under the fan, but I couldn’t find a time that someone wasn’t looking.  And the fans are in the front of the store, right beside the shopping center sidewalk.  I was afraid my mom might walk by.  She told me never to put my tongue near a moving blade.

I asked my mother-in-law if you could get a pedicure if you had planter’s warts.  She asked and they said yes. 

The salon near our house has staff who can all speak another language.  I’ll have to admit, it’s a little disconcerting to have all the staff talking when you don’t know what they’re saying.  They all speak English – so why would they use another language?  I’ll tell you why.  They’d speak in another language if they didn’t want you to know what they were saying.

“Oh, look at his nasty feet!”

“Un.  What did you do wrong to get him girl?”

“He’d better leave me a big tip.”

“I can tell from here he’s cheap.  Won’t even pay to get those warts taken care of.”

“Looks like he cuts his toenails in the Walmart parking lot.”

I told DJ I didn’t want to get my nails painted.  She scoffed – “You don’t have to get your nails painted when you get a pedicure.”  But I thought that’s what a pedicure was –

I do know this – after you get your feet worked on, they make you wear these flimsy yellow flip-flops.  But they’re no good at the beach – they’ll tear up in a minute.  I tried Lisa’s one time, barely made it off our pier before they fell apart.

I do think I’m gonna try this – I love to have my feet rubbed.  And  my mother-in-law told me it’s very relaxing.  What can I say?  I trust her – she’s never led me astray before.

I’ll let you know how it turns out. 

 

Up-tight!

Posted by Danny

I had to buy tights today for our grand performance in A Christmas Carol.  DJ needed a pair of white tights for her dance number – and, yes, so did I. 

I was a bit embarrassed about buying tights for myself.  I’ve never done that – didn’t know if there were boy tights and girl tights or if they were unisex.  Didn’t know if I needed the more see through boogers or if I needed the thicker ones.  And I wasn’t really excited about telling a sales clerk I needed a pair of white hose.  Something just didn’t feel right about that.

I walked into our regular dance store – it’s small and I didn’t think I’d see any of my buddies there.  The clerk greeted me, “Can I help you?”

“Yes.  I need two pair of tights.”

“OK – what size.”

“My daughter comes to about here on me,” I held my hand up to my nose. 

“How much does she weigh?”

“I have no idea.  Medium.”

“And the other pair?”

“Oh – those are for a man, six feet – 1/2 inches, 172 pounds.  They are for a performance.”

“Does he need a dance belt?”

“I don’t think so. Isn’t there elastic at the top?”

“No.  A dance belt is sort of a thong you wear under the tights for support.”

“No!  He would not be needing a dance belt!  it’s not like that!  He won’t be exposing anything above the knee.  He will be wearing knickers over his tights.  No support is needed!  In fact, I’m pretty sure he’ll be wearing boxers underneath his tights and knickers.  That’s what he wears.”

“Let me go get them out of the back.”

She returned with two pair of tights and headed to the cash register. 

“How much  are those?”

“The men’s are $26.”

“What?”

“$26.”

I’m not sure every sock I own combined cost me $26.  This is a racket!  How can they charge that much for hose?  If I get a run in them, I’m gonna hurt someone.

She entered my phone number in the computer.  “Mr. Tanner, you get a 10% discount.”

“That’s not enough.”

“Mr. Tanner, do you know how to put these on?”  She figured out he was me. 

“I don’t understand the question.”

She put her hands in motion, “You roll the leg of the tight up and place your toes in the bottom.  Then you pull the rest of the tight up your leg.”

“Thank you.”

Did she think I was going to hang them on the door knob and try to jump in?

Earlier today I asked Jesse if he wanted me to pick up a pair for him.  He said “No.  I think I’ll need to try them on.”

Try them on?  You don’t try tights on in the store!  It’s like underwear.  But I didn’t tell him.  I thought it would be pretty funny if he went into a store and told them he wanted to try on some tights!  I can’t wait to ask him how his trip to the dance store went.

A Cape and A Top Hat; top that!

Posted by Danny

I guess that everyone has certain dreams – things they hope to have happen before they depart from this earth.  I have a laundry list.  Some are huge:  winning $100,000,000 (or more) in the lottery, sincere happiness, seeing my girls grow up into successful women.

Some are not so big, like learning to hit the golf ball with a 3-wood (well, that one would be huge).

This weekend, three items on my ‘not so big’ bucket list are coming true – and all in one day!  I’m about to explode with excitement – and I am not the excitable type.

I was afraid that since my A Christmas Carol family was poor, the Candlestick Makers, I’d end up with a tiny beanie of a hat with my costume.  When I went in for my fitting, that’s exactly the direction things were heading.  In fact, the drawer with the little ones was open and the costume lady was reaching in when all of a sudden she glanced up at the counter. 

“We do have these top hats that are a little beat up.  Would you rather have one of those?”

I tried to contain my excitment! 

“I’m flexible…”, but visions of Abraham Lincoln were dancing through my head.  How cool is it to wear a top hat?  That’s not something a man gets to do on a regular basis.  In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever worn one in public.  Think of Fred Astaire, the Cat in the Hat, frigging Uncle Sam!  And me:  Danny Tanner!

And to top it off, another bucket list item has also come true thanks to my favorite costume designer.  I get to wear a cape!  The only part of my costume I hadn’t seen when I entered the dressing room on Saturday was my outer wear.  When I found a navy cape hanging by my plaid pants and form-fitting vest, I nearly collapsed to my knees in gratefulness. 

I draped it over my shoulders and ran through the lobby as if I were Dracula.  What if guys wore capes these days?  How dandy would it be to walk from the downtown parking deck to the church sanctuary on Sunday morning – top hat and cape to keep you warm (and to keep you cool if you know what I mean).

Jesse actually has a black cape.  Some friend of his made it for him years ago.  I’ve never asked why –

He doesn’t know this, but sometime I put it on when no one else is home and sneak through the house pretending to be a 17th century Russian spy.

And to top it all off, on Saturday, I get to wear my entire costume in the Raleigh Christmas Parade!  I’ll actually walk by my church – so it will kind of be like I’m wearing these duds in my regular life.

A top hat, a cape and a parade – all in one day!  A little Danny Tanner heaven right here on earth.

If you’re there, keep an eye out for me.  I shouldn’t be hard to find.

Forgot the Panties

Posted by Danny

So I forgot her underwear and bras, what’s the big deal?

I was in a rush.  The kids usually help me pack their bags for our weekend jaunts.  Last week there simply wasn’t time.  I had to go it alone.  Stephanie and Michelle receiving an incredible education on Friday at school while I stuffed the Totes.

I remember at one point, while digging through Michelle’s shirts, thinking, “You haven’t gotten underwear.”  I headed to that drawer and threw a few pair in her bag.  But when I hit Stephanie’s room, my main focus was picking outfits she’d be seen in.  Underwear were not a part of my mental  picture.

When we arrived at our destination, clothes started flying.  She dug to the bottom, opened all of the side pockets.  No sign of undergarments.  I  was in the shower when I heard the scream.

“Daaaaadddd!!!  YOU FORGOT MY UNDERWEAR AND BRAS!!!”

Ohhh.  Stay in the shower.  It’s nice in here.

I tried to explain the benefits of giving your skin a break from elastic.  “That stuff can hurt your circulation.  It’s good to have a break.  Your blood flow will be excellent on Monday.” 

She didn’t buy it.

“Did you know that Jesse didn’t wear underwear for about six years?  Believe me, I know – as does everyone else who came in contact with him during shorts season.  And you think he’s mighty cool.  You and Jesse – no undie buddies!” 

No takers.

“How about your bathing suit?  That could work.”

“Dad, it’s a one piece.”

“Covers top and bottom!  Sounds like a fix to me.”

“You don’t know anything.”

“In medieval times, women didn’t even wear panties.  And bras weren’t invented until the 1900’s.  Your great-great-great grandmother never wore one.”

“Why are you talking about my ancestor’s underwear habits?  What am I supposed to do?”

“Wear your sister’s.  Ya’ll are about the same size.”

A minute passes.

“These are like grandma underwear!  They come up to my belly button.”

“Your mom loved her granny pants.  Said those were the best undies she owned.”

I think that struck a chord!

Fashion Question? I’m Your Guy

Posted by Danny

I learned a couple of things about fashion this week. 

1) If your daughter says, “Dad, I’d like a new Lilly dress to wear to the 8th grade dance,” you should say “HELL NO”, grab your wallet and hightail it for your car. 

This happened to me.  I was not that smart.

DJ told me she wanted a Lilly dress for her special occasion and I said, “Well of course dear.  You’re graduating from 8th grade.  I think you need one of those things.” 

That night she pulled the Lilly store up on-line. 

“Dad, isn’t that one cute?”

“It is.  You’d look great in that.  I like the color.”

“I like this one too.”

“Ah – even better.  You want to order it?”

“You know dad, there’s a Lilly store in Cameron Village.  Let’s just go over there so I can try some on.”

“OK.  Maybe Nana can take you this weekend.  So, how much does that one cost?”

“Well, this ones sort of expensive.”

I nod – thinking I’m gonna splurge and not even complain – $60 bucks, NO PROBLEM –  I’m a BIG spender!

“It’s $348.”

“What?  My car is not worth $348!  You’ve got to be kidding.  Is it made of actual flowers?  Is that the same dress that Kate Middleton is wearing at her wedding?  This is absurd!”

“I’m sure I can find one for half that price.  They tend to have good sales.”

“You’d better find one for 90% off.”

And then I remembered, my wife wrote down four house rules before she died.  One of them was for the girls to “gang up” on dad if there was something they knew she would want for them but that I was unwilling to do.  She cited several examples. 

One dealt with giving them their independence – like studying abroad.  She knew that would be something I’d be cautious about. 

Lisa was also clear in her instruction to me – “If one of our daughters finds a pair of $350 shoes that would make her prom dress the best outfit at the dance, you find the money and buy them.  I know how tight you can be.”  She may have pointed her finger at me when she was writing down this rule to ensure I understood.

It worked…today DJ owns a Lilly dress. 

Jesse says I’m blinded by my love for my children and reminds them, when they get frustrated with him, that he is not. 

I can’t wait for him to have a daughter. 

2) I was also talking to a friend this week about bras.  I really can’t believe I’m talking about bras with people – but I’m trying to learn. 

She said at some point young women needed to get appropriately measured to insure a good fit.  I asked how that happened.  She said, they take a tape measurer and wrap it around your chest in several places.  I said, “That must be awkward.  I’m glad men don’t have to do that for underwear.”

The look on my face must have given away the fact that I was picturing a line of topless women in the underwear store dressing room waiting for their turn to be fitted.  She quickly informed me that the measurement was taken with your shirt ON.

It’s like I learn something new every day.

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