(View Justin Yopp’s Ted Talk above)
I’ve shared before about the group of men I met in 2010, about six months after Lisa died. Two psychiatrists from UNC formed a grief group, Single Fathers Due To Cancer. I apprehensively attended the first meeting. Four years later our monthly get togethe’rs subsided, replace by annual reunions.
The grief I felt ten years ago next month, seems far away. In fact, I have isolated it because it is grueling to go back. The pain, the disbelief, the fear – I don’t ever want to feel that again. It’s easy to isolate those feelings when you’re happy.
Recently, Justin Yopp, one of our group leaders, did a Ted Talk titled More Than Grief. He shared our story, seven men who struggled together and, in time, moved forward.
I didn’t know at the time, but Justin was learning from us. He works with those experiencing loss on a regular basis and listened very closely as the seven of us shared over this 48 month period of time. Justin shares in his talk that he saw three distinct steps in our recovery from grief:
- Re-imagining – Justin describes our grief like a trip. We were on the highway, moving forward, when suddenly the road stops. The map says the road should continue, but it doesn’t. Justin began seeing growth with each of us when we began to re-imagine what life might be again. For a very long time, we recanted our loss. For a very long time we lived in the here and now trying to figure out how to manage our day to day lives. But slowly, conversation turned. We began to dream again, to imagine another road.
- Finding meaning – Justin argues that when we began changing the focus from our loss to helping others, there was movement toward our futures. When we were able to consider how our group, and how we as individuals, might help other men going through similar situations, it helped us heal.
- Connecting – Finally, Justin saw in us a connection that was rare. We weren’t best friends, but we knew a heck of a lot more about these guys we saw just once a month than we did about folks we saw on a daily basis. The deep and intense level of sharing was surprising. This connection and ability to share was crucial to our healing.
What the seven of us learned, what Justin and Don our leaders learned, is that you can create new paths, and you can move forward. It just takes work – and maybe a couple of other really good men.
The Real Fuller House 