What’s Hangin’?

DJ had spring break two weeks ago, Michelle was off last week, and Stephanie is off this week.  This schedule does not lend itself to much meaningful family time.  But we are getting our money’s worth out of Netflix!

Last Tuesday, to entertain Michelle, her grandmother took her to a YMCA yoga class.  That evening over dinner, I asked about her experienced.

“Oh my Gosh!  You’re NOT going to BELIEVE what happened.”

She was clearly appalled.

“Do tell,” I insisted.  As If I had a choice.

“Well, I was in the middle of my cat pose in Nana’s yoga class, and this old man walked in.”

“Yea.”  I could only imagine what happened next.

“And he squatted down right in front of me.”

“And?”

“And, well, his… ah… his, you know…”

“No.  I have no idea what you’re trying to say.  Just spit it out.”  She was flustered.

“Well, his, his BALLS fell out of his short-shorts!  Right in the middle of class.  During the CAT pose!”

As if it would have been more acceptable during Downward Dog.

“He had clearly just come from the pool because he was wearing his bathing suit, which did NOT have a lining, and it was WAY too short for him, and at one point I think he knew he was dangling because he tried to cover himself with a towel but it didn’t work, and it was disgusting!  I almost threw up.”

I myself have seen those same balls, I’m sure, in the Y locker room.

I think there’s an age for men, maybe 75, 76, where you a) stop buying new clothes that are appropriate for the times and your body type and b) you just don’t give a rats behind who sees your business.

Lisa and I went to St. Bart’s for our honeymoon.  It’s an island in the French West Indies.

Neither of us spoke French.  In fact, Sunday – Thursday I drove the wrong way down a one way street  into the town of Gustavia each day until a native cursed me out waving his hands up and down as we nearly ran into him.

“Connard!!  Americain stupide!!”

Because we couldn’t read any of the signs on the island, we were quite surprised to discover that our mid-week beach excursion was clothing optional.

We drove our rented jeep up to the parking area and sauntered out to the sand.  There was no one in sight, so we set up shop.  We were dressed.  I pulled out some Goldfish and a John Grisham novel when much to our surprise an older gentleman and his wife walked up in front of us, opened up their beach chairs, and promptly pulled down their pants.

Yes, like Michelle’s experience, his business was right in my line of sight.

I leaned over to my wife, “If we’re gonna stay here, I’m gonna need a drink.”

“Or a blindfold,” she quipped.

This is not the vision I had of a nude beach.  I was expecting Baywatch sans bikinis.  NOT The Golden Girls and their dates.

There should be a penalty for nudity after a certain age.  And I include myself in the “certain age” category.  At this point, no one wants to see me nude in a fully lit place.

There becomes a point in one’s life that more clothes are better than less.  There are no exceptions.  It’s just a hard and fast rule.

If you’re over 30, maybe 35 for some, you’ve hit that point.  Cover it up!

Top Ten Things I Learned on Sp

Miami Family

Number 10:  Don’t make spring break plans with a 17-year-old.

So, DJ had spring break plans well in advance of spring break.  But then they feel apart, or they seemingly fell apart.  So she reluctantly agreed to go with her sisters and me to Miami.  And then the day AFTER I booked the plane tickets, three weeks before spring break, her plans resolitified.  Errr.  Naturally, she worked it out so she could do both as she is the master of not missing anything.  Especially things that are free for her.

Number 9:  There’s lots of fanny in the City of Miami.  (How do you try that little booger on at the store?  Do you just buy it and hope it fits?  Or do you actually put it on and return it to the rack if it isn’t flattering? By the way, it isn’t flattering.)

butt

Number 8:  All three of my daughters can change into a bikini without ever being naked.  It’s like Houdini.

Number 7:  Sometimes it’s the kids who tell the parent to turn off the TV.  We didn’t turn it on once on the trip, and we put our phones in the middle of the table when eating out; both suggestions from my children.

Number 6:  It is conceivable to go broke buying virgin daiquiris.

Number 5:  A nice Jacuzzi in a hotel room is a lot more fun with your wife than your kids.

Number 4:  Some people put their bathing suits through their paper shredder.  I’m not sure why.

shredded

Number 3:  When you have a family text message, watch out what you write, especially if Michelle is in your family.

Text from dad while riding in the front seat of a taxi to his daughters in the backseat:

This cab driver has the coolest name I’ve ever heard, Axel Bucheaux.

Loudly from Michelle:  “Who the heck is Ax-L Boo-shocks?”

Number 2:  Some Speedos should not be worn by some men.

Number 1:  Three days away with your kids is INCREDIBLE!