Chainsaw Massacre

There’s something about a chain saw.

Julie has an electric one.  I also have one but never put the chain on the saw.  It just seemed like so much work.  And I didn’t really have use for it at my old house.

But now…

There is some sort of medium sized tree/bush in our new back yard.  One limb was dead as a doornail.  It was about three times the width of my arm (I have fairly small arms).  It’s been bothering me since we bought the house in April.  So last weekend, I decided it was time.  Time to amputate the limb.

I removed Julie’s chainsaw from the cardboard box.  I plugged it in. 

I like my fingers and have great respect for things that might remove them.  So I was cautious.  I’m not a reckless guy.  I don’t shoot stuff.  I don’t punch stuff.  I don’t chase snakes – if I see one, I run.  But dang, when I saw the teeth of this electric beast, when I began to chop, it was invigorating!

Julie suggested I wait to tackle the limb at a time when she was home to help.  Ppppfh.  What could she do to help?, I thought.

It wasn’t really planned.  I was just working in the yard and the tree yelled out at me, “REMOVE THE BRANCH.  DO IT NOW.”  I couldn’t not respond.

Julie was at the grocery store when I started.  She returned before I finished.  She came outside.

“Honey, I can help.  I don’t want it to fall on the house.”

It WON’T fall on the house!  Ridiculous assumption.

“I’ll be right back.  Let me unload the cold items.”

Nice thought.  What was I going to do?  Just stand there and wait for her to return at some undetermined time?  Ppppfh… no.  I was so close to completion. 

My training in physics suggested the branch would fall away from the house.  My intent – the slant at which I was sawing – clearly would lead to a safe landing. 

As it fell over the porch, bending the handle of our built in gas grill, I was stunned. 

Well that didn’t go as planned.

Julie came running.

“You just couldn’t wait could you?”

“It didn’t hit the house!” I responded, as if it had fallen exactly where I had intended.

VICTORY! – well, sort of.

I don’t know what it is about a guy and his chain saw.  It’s an incredible feeling to cut, to tame the wild.  A rush of sorts.  And really, who has time to wait for the groceries to be unloaded?  It’s just not reasonable. 

Stinkin’ Leaves


Raking!  AHHHH!

I really think God made a mistake when he created trees.  Not the tree itself, they’re necessary and in most cases very attractive to the eye.  But why did He have the leaves fall off?  Huge, huge mistake.

Why can’t they just stay on there?  They could still turn colors.  I’m even fine with them being brown in the winter.  Imagine, green for spring and summer; multicolored for fall and then brown in the winter.  Actually, if He was really concentrating when He tackled the whole tree deal, if He would have really thought this through, He would have had them turn white in the winter.  Now wouldn’t that be nice, huh?

I think the whole seven days thing really cut into his creativity.  He would have much greater success had he taken billions of years to create our world.

When we first bought our house, I raked until I had hemorrhoids.  I literally thought my insides were coming out.  I had blisters on my hands the size of quarters.  I couldn’t hold the offering plate when it came by my pew at church  after a Saturday in the yard.  He should have thought these things through.  Less leaves, more financial support for the kingdom.

I have this obsession with grass which does not help the situation.  I work so hard for the green, aerating and seeding, which has to occur in the fall.  And then, without fail, those dang leaves fall.  We go through this every single year.

Since we’ve lived on Smallwood Drive, we’ve lost about 7 large oaks in hurricanes which has drastically cut down on the number of hours I spend with blower and rake in hand.  Thank goodness.

I don’t have any warm memories of playing in a big pile of leaves as a kid.  I don’t think they have trees in Fayetteville where I grew up.  They don’t have much fescue grass either.  In the sandhills they grow centipede which would grow over your children as they play in your yard.

I think I’ll move back home.  Less leaves, great grass and likely less discomfort in the derriere.

Purchase Danny’s Book:  Laughter, Tears and Braids or at Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh

  • Tanner Tweets

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 11,940 other followers
  • Past Posts

  • Contact Us