Anastasia and Drizella

Anatasia

I haven’t had new tennis shoes in three years.  I wore mine to play golf in this week, because I also don’t have golf shoes.  After traipsing around the wet course, they smelled like damp, sour dog.  I tossed them in the washing machine – when I got them out, they smelled like damp, sour dog with a cascade of Cheer on top.

When I run, it’s like I’m standing on hard French toast; the bones in my knees rubbing together, cartilageless.

We live off Ridge Road, that’s where I jog.  The Meredith College coeds wiz by me each fall, their neon Nikes smokin’.

“Hey, hey.  Yea you – hotty!  The one with the pink jog bra and green sneakers –  these tennis shoes are three years old.  That’s why you passed me!  Oh, and my walkmans not working either – I run slower without my tunes.”

My girls, on the other hand, all have nice new shoes for school.  As long as I can remember, they’ve always worn Nikes.  I also remember them being around $40.

This year, we walked into the Kids’ Footlocker and picked out a couple of pairs, one for Stephanie, one for Michelle.  I didn’t even notice the price, assuming they’d be around the same as previous years.  When we got to the register, cha-ching!  “That’ll be $148.00.”

“Say what?  Last year it was less than $100 for two.  What’s up?  Nike move their plant to the US or something?”

“Well, both of your daughters are now a size 5.  That’s an adult size.”

“But this is a kids’ store.”

“Well, we sell adult sizes too.”

“And charge adult prices.  Can you shove them in a 4?  Stephanie, Michelle, act like Anastasia and Drizella.  They’re bringing out smaller shoes.  Cram that foot it!”

Geeze.  Pretty soon no more child menus either.  And just think.  At one time I wanted four.

Buy Danny’s Book:  Laughter, Tears and Braids

The Cost of having a Driver

car insurance
I recently called my insurance agent to see how much it was going to cost to add DJ, my new driver, to the insurance policy.  Ouch!
The receptionist told me she could give me the quotes.
“I think I might give my daughter my car and purchase a new one for myself.  How much will my insurance increase if I go that route?”
“Let’s see Mr. Tanner.   Humm – it’s going to jump a bit since she’s an inexperienced driver.”
“Oh, she’s not inexperienced.  I’ve driven countless miles with her over the past year.  It’s been weeks since she got out of the car without forgetting to turn it off.  Heck, I even taught her how to take off the gas cap.  Took two or three times for her to fully catch on, but, she’s mastered it now.  Even got her first wreck out of the way – and that was in the Driver’s Ed Car!  She is NOT inexperienced.”
“We’ll, you do have your homeowners insurance with us.  That will help.”
“Yes I do!  And, remember I went to high school with the agent’s brother.”
“Looks like its going to go up by… $2,200.”
“$2,200 a year?  Damn Sam, that’s steep!”
“Oh no Mr. Tanner – it’s not $2,200 a year.”
“Whew!  I thought something had to be wrong.”
“Yes.  That’s wrong. You see, you pay twice a year.  That’s just for six months.  It’ll end up being $4,400 a year.”
“I’m sorry.  I thought I had asked for a quote to add one tiny, sweet, cautious human to my car insurance policy NOT what it was going to cost me to put her through a year of college!!!”
“Pardon?”
“You are an evil woman.”
Things I could do with $4,400:
  •  Fly to Hong Kong with DJ and stay at the Ritz Carlton for two nights
  • Buy 1/4 of a camel in Pakistan
  • Get DJ a 2005 Volkswagen Beetle GLS with halogen projector beam headlamps including clear polycarbonate lenses
  • Purchase 25 bottles of Dom Parignon and cater a party for 100 people to come over and drink it
  • Hire a hit man to take out my insurance agent

Needless to say, we’re considering other options…

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