Hamster For Sale

Posted by Danny

Not only are we not a pancake family, but we are also not an animal family.  I did have animals when I was growing up.  Our last dog was Booger.  My parents let me name him.  I was in 8th grade.  I thought it would be funny to hear my parents say the word booger.  And even better, my genteel mother yell, “Here Booger Booger, Booger, Booger!” from our back doorstep when it was time for his dinner. 

My mother in-law felt sorry for our kids, who had been pleading with us for some form of pet, so she gave the girls an aquarium for Christmas one year.  Fish I could handle.  We filled the tank but quickly realized that they were disappearing.  Finally, one fish was left, Mary.  She had been eating her friends.  I started calling her Velma Barfield (Death Row Granny back in the early 80’s).  When she finally died, the kids fought over who got to flush her down the toilet.  There were tears everywhere.  I finally let a visiting friend push the handle.  “If I can’t flush my own fish when she dies, I never want another one,” one replied. 

 “You’re breaking my heart baby, you’re breakin’ my heart.”

Lisa eventually caved and bought a guinea pig.  It had brown and white patches all over.  We named him JW – for some reason Lisa thought he looked like John Wayne.  The kids lost interest in the pig on day 7.  He seldom left his cage after that first week and grew to be the size of a small dog.  I pushed, pulled, prodded and reminded about feeding him and occasionally changing his urine filled cage.  He was the bain of my existence.  We’d had him three or four years when he died.  It was last spring, not long after Lisa’s passing.  I came home and there he was, stiff as a board.  I was concerned about the girls’ reaction to his death.  Would it be too much after all they’s been through?  When they got home, I delivered the news.  Michelle looked at him, said, “That’s gross!” and immediately ran up to her room to play with her dolls.  Stephanie said, “I ain’t touching him.”  DJ’s response?  “Now can I get a hamster?”  I think they were ok.

I carried him to the yard and dug a hole.  It was a big hole and took some time.  And the person who cleaned his cage, complained about his smell, and threatened to give him away?  What was my response to JW’s passing?  I, yes Danny Tanner,cried like a little baby.  In defense of my manhood, I would argue that I was just not emotionally together at that time.  That’s my justification; I hope it is true. 

Bites like a doberman pinscher

Our current pet is a hamster.  Stephanie received Miss Piggy last Christmas.  Lisa agreed to it – now I am raising it.  A week after Santa delivered this neat gift, Stephanie ran to our bedroom at 2 am sobbing.

“Mom, Dad, something bit me.”

“What?”

“Something bit my nose.”

“Stephanie, nothing bit your nose.  It’s 2 am.  You had a nightmare.  Do you want to crawl in bed with us for a little bit?”

“My nose is bleeding” she wailed.

I turned on the light and sure enough, there was a bite mark on her nose and a bit of blood.  What in the heck could it be?  The hamster is locked tight in a cage.  Could it be a rat?  Perhaps a squirrel?   As much as I wanted to turn over and fall back to sleep, with two other kids, I had to go check things out.

I grabbed a fly swatter and headed to Stephanie’s room.  I’ll be danged if that hamster hadn’t maneuvered out of the cage, scaled down a three-foot dresser, scurried across the floor, climbed up the bed skirt and bitten Stephanie on the right nostril!  And yet, she was nowhere to be found.  I shut the door, stuffed a towel under the bottom and returned to bed. 

“Lisa, you’re not going to believe this one…”

And like JW, that was one of the last times Miss Piggy came out of her cage. 

A friend came over Friday evening with his son.  The boy headed to the basement.  Next thing I know, blood.  Jesse tried to take Miss Piggy out of her cage on Monday to entertain our housekeeper’s grandson, Miss Piggy bit him too (he hasn’t admitted that he was dumb enough to pick Miss Piggy up, but Julie told me.)

So, for a very reasonable price, you, yes you, can have a biting hamster.  I’ll even deliver her at no extra charge.

My Dad Is Cheap

Posted by DJ

$4???

My Dad is so cheap. On the snow day, of course we got bored.  So, we were looking for something to do within walking distance of our house. There is a Bruegger’s Bagel and  a nail salon.  I suggested that we walk up to the shopping center, grab a bagel, and get our nails done.  My dad’s quick response?   “Do we have any gift certificates?”

“I don’t think so,” I responded, “we finished the nail one off last time we went.”   Well, he goes and checks for a gift card anyway, and sure enough finds one.  He was so excited and so were Stephanie and Michelle, until he said, “Wait, it only has $4.00 left…what else could we do today?”  And sure enough we did not end up getting our nails done, but went to a movie instead because we had a gift card.  But we forgot it so we had to pay full price.

So cheap

The Check Arrives!

Posted by Danny

We discoverd that this check has been in DJ’s coat pocket since December 9!  It was meant to pay for her school lunches.  Has she not used her pockets in the month of December?  With a mom who worked at her school, this was not a problem.  We’re all still learning…

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