Nothing Better than a Good Scoping of your Butt

 

Get lots of this...

Posted by Danny

Until we begin to be comfortable talking about our intestines, bowel movements and colonoscopies, it’s going to be tough to really begin attacking colon cancer.  I am currently aware of three acquaintances under the age of 45 who have died from this horrible disease in the past 12 months.  That is unacceptable.

As Jesse shared with you earlier this month, March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month.  I think it’s time I weigh in.

Lisa’s symptoms began about a year and a half before she was diagnosed.  She would have cramps at times.  She wouldhave a strong sensation that she needed to  go to the bathroom and then nothing would happen when she got there.  At times she would have many small bowel movements in a row.  But these symptoms would come and go, a strong indicator that this was probably Irritable Bowel Syndrome.   She would go months without any problems, followed by a few weeks of discomfort.  When asked what her symptoms were, she would tell people, “Things just weren’t right.”  Follow you gut – or in this case, your colon.

After Lisa was diagnosed, I went to my annual physical.  I shared with my doctor what our family was dealing with and that I had some blood on my toilet paper.  He suggested, for my peace of mind, that I go ahead and get a colonoscopy.  Although I didn’t want to go through the process, I decided I’d sleep better once we had a clear DVD of my intestines.

This is my journal entry several hours after my colonoscopy:

Journal Entry, September 30, 2009

I have pooped nonstop for 24 hours.  Had my colonoscopy today and all was clear.  Butt you drink this thick salt water and then poop like you’re getting paid for it.  I pooped from 7 pm until 1 am, at 5:45 am and from 8 am to 3 pm.  And you couldn’t eat for about 48 hours prior to the procedure.  My poop was as clear as spring water by this afternoon – lost 8 pounds.

To be honest, the liquid they give you to drink to get you moving is awful.  It’s the consistency of thin lotion and it tastes putrid. 

I thought I’d doctor the brew by adding some Crystal Light – a friend suggested that might make the elixir go down easier.  She is no longer my friend. 

I’d hold my nose and stand over the sink – trying to down it like a frat boy with a beer bong.  I’d get half way through and gag – taking a few minutes to clear my watery eyes.  My mouth drawn in and my eyes clinched shut, sweat dripping down my forehead.  A deep breath and I’d chug some more. 

You “get to” drink about 25 glasses of the serum.  But in between each, you get a 15 minute break.  I’d go from standing up and  imbibing to flat on my back in the bed to a  mad dash to the toilet (suggestion:  wear elastic waist pants the day before your procedure – or better yet, lock your bedroom door and go with the Full Monty).  And every time I’d go back to the jug to pour my next glass, it would appear as if someone had refilled it to the brim.

It’s much more fun to be the spouse of someone prepping for a colonoscopy than to actually be the preppee.  Having a wife who was very private about her bathroom habits, I spent the night she had her cleansing in stitches.  If I recall, she had her revenge as I ran, with clinched cheeks, to the pot.

Although the only thing we found when I was scoped was that I’m apparently an aggressive wiper, it was worth it.  That’s one less thing to be concerned about.  It truly was much “doo doo” about nothing!

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