Tonight’s Dinner Special: Roast

POSTED BY JESSE

Since the girls wear uniforms to school all day, we do not have a dress code for the Tanner family dinner table (other than, you know, being dressed). It is advised, however, that you bring your layer of thick skin.

This family game has been played before, and will surely be played again, and I’m not even sure who started it last night, but it was probably the world’s funniest 8-year old girl, Michelle. It started with her (or someone else) declaring: “I’m going to be Jesse,” and proceeding to imitate the family member that has been named. Everyone else quickly follows suit by naming someone they will ape and soon we are sitting around the table having a “conversation” that consists of each person repeating their chosen subjects’ favorite meal-time catchphrase: Stephanie (as Danny) incessantly asked everyone how their day was, Michelle (as me) talked about watching basketball, etc.

But the real fun comes when we all take turns playing the same person at once. The script and performance are both pretty short, and I doubt Saturday Night Live will be beating down our doors any time soon, but we sure did crack each other up for about ten minutes. Even though the parroting typically consisted of a one-liner and a prop, some of them were pretty spot on. Here’s a quick review:

  • Michelle: singing loud and laughing; fidgeting and clinging on other people, even if they were trying to eat their own dinner; asking to be picked up and tickled. Best Actor award: Me, for my portrayal of Michelle at meals, rocking, kneeling on, or standing next to her stool while eating…and then going the extra absurd step of rolling on the dinner table.
  • Stephanie: a lot of OMGs and other “net-speak”; name-dropping of 5th grade boys that she “definitely does not like” even though their names are heard a lot; complaints about “tons of homework” that will somehow get finished before American Idol starts. Best Actor award: Danny, for his role as “slow-eating Steph”, pausing between bites to take in the scenery and chewing at a cow’s pace.
  • DJ: a lot of “Oh my gosh” (note: different from “OMG”–I guess net-speak becomes less cool around 8th grade) and other teenage tone and dialect, fast-flying thumbs and a refusal to look up from a newly purchased smart phone, play-by-play recaps of what happened in Latin and science classes, and a rundown of how incompetent/unfair the rest of the world is and how it is adversely affecting her. Best Actor award: Michelle, for her cheerleader routine and broadcasting the word of a newly purchased sports bra.
  • Me: donning of a baseball cap and lots of sports-talk; an eye-lock on my phone screen while announcing funny/interesting tidbits that are rolling across Twitter; responding to kids’ stories of the day with a different viewpoint on the situation or attempting to teach a lesson. Best Actor award: Stephanie, who moved to the piano to bang out some chords and sing at the top of her lungs. (am I really that loud?)
  • Danny (who, of course, tried to end the game before his name came up): reading glasses and dumbbells, weird exercise positions, commenting that everything would “make a good blog post”, not knowing how to work his phone. Best Actor award: DJ, who drew the night’s biggest laugh for her depiction of “Father drinking milk from the carton”, turning up the gallon jug and then exuding faux-machismo by strutting around the kitchen talking about how it’s “my milk” because he “bought it from Harris Teeter”.

And with that, this round of Tanner family roasting was concluded.

Some people might think we’re cruel to each other, but I think if observed objectively most would conclude it’s a net positive: everyone gets a fair share and we don’t really dwell on others’ insecurities as much as their habits. And it can be funny and sometimes quite revealing to see which words and actions you put out there, and what the first thing that comes to someone’s mind when they’re “being you.”

Additionally, I have conceded that when it comes to physical pain, the Tanner girls are kind of wimpy and there’s not a whole lot I can do about it. I have induced tears from what I perceived to be light tickling and caused seemingly (at the time) irreparable damage to fingers during attempted sports outings in the driveway. I know they didn’t grow up being mercilessly flung into bushes and tackled onto tree roots by Ryan Combs, the 6-foot 6th grader with whom I played backyard football in my youth, but I had hoped to at least teach them the “brush off the dirt and keep going” routine. I don’t think it’s going to happen.

But there are different types of wimpy, and I can tell you that the Tanner girls are going to be emotionally resilient and mentally stalwart, armed to handle the inevitable rejections and insults that will come their way as they grow and learn. Hopefully, they won’t need all the good training we’re giving them in how to let things slide off your back. And hopefully they’ve already faced the toughest thing they’ll ever have to get through.

Advertisement

Wedding Weekend in DC

Posted by Danny

Top ten things about our wedding weekend in DC

Number 15 (I couldn’t list just 10, sorry):  Stephanie taught me that “sit on a potato pan Otis” spelled backwards is “sit on a potato pan Otis.  I thought she was a genius to figure that out!  Jesse says he’s heard it before.

Number 14:  Everyone in the family tried brussels sprouts for the first time.  One enjoyed them, two were neutral, two gagged at the table and spit them out in their napkins.

Before sprouts

Number 13:  No plastic bunny cups.

Where's the bunny?

Number 12:      A full cavity search at the Capitol and the White House.  Those silly secret service agents.

Number 11:      The reading of “Oh, the Places You’ll Go,” by Dr. Seuss, at the wedding.  Well, he didn’t read it but the book is by him.

Number 10:      The champagne tower.  Ideally, two waiters pour campaign into the top glass and it spills over into the next layer and so on.  Because the venue was an old mansion, the floor was a bit warped and it didn’t work exactly as planned.  But it’s a really cool idea!

Number 9:  An individual, personalized note inscribed for each guest at the wedding!  A thank you note before they get the gift!  Now that’s class.

Number 8:  Really nice handwriting. 

Number 7:  Uncle Jesse saying “spies” in a whispered tone, 167 times and around every corner at the Spy Museum.

Number 6:  The bride and her father (from a dad’s perspective, better than a bride and her new husband).

Number 5:   13 year olds who look so old they are offered wine at the reception (she’s wearing her mom’s shoes!).

Number 4:  Slick backed hair that makes you look ten years older than you are.

Oops, wrong picture - not enough hair to slick!

Number 3:  Dessert on a stick.

Number 2:  Yoko Ono, Jr. (wore them all weekend long indoor and out).

Number 1:  A big bench; a happy family.

Rehearsal Dinner

Posted by Danny

It’s a Katsopolis family tradition to compose and sing a song at all familiy weddings.  Since Kenny has been like a member of the family for the past 32 years, a performance was in order. 

Here are the lyrics, written by Jesse:

(To the tune of 867-5309)

Kenny, Kenny, you need to get married

We’re here to help you we know it can be scary

We would have thought that you’d gotten over your fears

Since you’ve been dating for like 13 years

Chorus:

Kenny we got you a woman

You need to make her yours

Kenny don’t lose this woman

K-A-TH-E-RINE, K-A-TH-E-RINE, K-A-TH-E-RINE, K-A-TH-E-RINE

Kenny, Kenny it’s not as hard as it seems

Specially since we found the girl of your dre-ams

And I don’t mean like dreams that you’ve had before

Like the one where you played on the PGA tour

(Chorus)

Just try it, Just try it

We really think you will enjoy

You’ll like it, you’ll like it

Even though you’re a Mama’s boy

And Katherine for you this could be a bit scary

Because his arms and hands and feet are so hairy

But there is no question who he likes the best

They only one to pass the Capon test

(Chorus)

Snow Day!

Posted by Uncle Jesse

Not only did we get a snow ice day from school yesterday, it came in the best way (for kids): going to sleep thinking school was still on but with a delay, and waking up to discover there’s NO SCHOOL!

For parents? Not exactly a day off, especially if you e-commute and were planning on getting ahead on some writing that’s due Wednesday when you know you’re going to have the girls all by yourself. But what are you going to do? Website editors are more understanding than bored kids, and, secretly (ok, OPENLY) I love the Michael Jackson Wii game. After today I plan on practicing my moves when the kids are at school and dogging them next time we play. What can I say? I play to win. After all, “no one wants to be defeated”

Here’s how the Tanner family spent the Ice Day:

Everybody piled into Dad’s bed

Beds: not just for sleeping

(more…)

  • Tanner Tweets

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 11,921 other followers
  • Past Posts

  • Contact Us