I’m not really sure how it came about. We went to the beach for Labor Day, and on the way home, I was suddenly told our family was doing the 30 Day Cleanse. Like we stopped at Bojangles for lunch – a chicken biscuit, fries and a Coke, consumption for a normal human, and as we talked among the group at the table, Stephanie, Michelle, their two friends and Julie, my girlfriend, a decision was made that we were going to starve ourselves for a month. How does that happen? Bojangles to beets. Good lord!
Michelle and her friend Kimmey were driving this train. Kimmey used to be a vegetarian so the idea of colon restoration was taking her back to her 7th grade roots.
I don’t know much about cleansing. What I do know is that several people I work with have gone through the process, and it can be ugly. Dark rings around the eyes, grumbling stomachs at the staff meeting, and the temporary personality of Cinderella’s stepmother. Very lovely people, turned evil.
“Hey Bob. You wanna grab a beer after work?”
“I CAN’T you JERK! Remember… I’M ON A CLEANSE! You trying to KILL me?”
“Geeze. I forgot. I forgot.”
I was told that sugars, grains, dairy and legumes could be having a negative impact on my health and fitness without me even realizing it. And in fact, if legumes are having a negative impact on me, I do not know it. Primarily because I don’t know what a legume is. I was then assured that if I cut out carbs, peanuts, dairy, fried foods, beans, sugar, alcohol and everything else except meat, vegetables and fruit, that I would feel better, my skin would glow, my colon would work more efficiently, my pancreas would feel lighter, I’d have no acne, my joints would repair, and I’d develop the strength of a gorilla. As Julie read more from the satanic magazine article that offered this self-help option, she reiterated that I could have all the vinegar I desired.
“Well. That changes everything.”
This 30 day cleanse was guaranteed to change my emotional relationship with food. I realize I have an emotional relationship with my mom. I did not know that the green bean and I were that close.
I wasn’t necessarily opposed to eating more healthy, but this technique seemed extreme. I suggested that we actually spread the thirty days out – not do them all at once. My thought was since Chic Fil A is closed on Sundays we should cleanse on the day of rest for thirty weeks.
I was voted down by the girls. For some reason, the purge must be consecutive.
So we tried.
Monday was our last day of normalcy. I ate all of the cookie dough in the fridge and finished a bottle of wine. We went to the grocery store and strategically avoided the snack and cereal isles. The cashier giggled as he rang us up. He’s seen me before. This was not normal. I’m sure he was amused by the eggplant, brussel sprouts and and lack of legumes.
I hate it when I purchase produce at the store that is so odd the salesperson has to ask me what it is. I feel so snobbish. I’m sure he’s thinking, “Why can’t he just each Iceberg lettuce like a normal guy.”
On Wednesday we decided to introduce beans and dairy back into our diet. I feel certain our diet didn’t even notice it had been missing.
On Thursday, Stephanie texted me, “I’m starving. I’m done.” Bring on the Cheez-Its!
On Friday, Michelle admitted she had eaten crackers for lunch. I admitted I had done the same the night before. I had no choice. It was a work event, and I was so hungry my colon was about to eat my light pancreas. The only food at the reception was crackers and cheese. What’s a guy to do? The cracker guilt was killing me.
Pizza this weekend shot the cleanse to hell. After 4 1/2 days of mildly expurgating my innards, my skin looks the same, my colon is unchanged and my pancreas feels as heavy as ever. But I’m happy – I’m just really happy.
Good news: we are all committed to eating more fruits and vegetables and limiting our milkshake intake. Perhaps our cleanse worked after all.
