Since Lisa died, I have committed to an annual physical – at least until Michelle graduates from high school. Once she is out of the house, I think I will stop. Because I hate them. Of course there are obvious reasons 50 year old men don’t like physicals. And I don’t need to hear comments about what women go through. I know. It sounds awful. And No. I have never had my privates smashed in between two cold metal plates until I yelled out in agony. But I still don’t like to be handled in that manner by someone I scarcely know who resembles Danny Devito.
As if I didn’t have enough anxiety about having my blood being siphoned out of my vein by Morticia Adams, and having to fully undress in front of a complete stranger eager to conduct a full cavity search, this year, the pre-manhandling session began with a scathing attack on my weight.
“I see you’ve gained 5 pounds since you were in here 18 months ago. You’re up to 181.”
“Well… I’m 6’1. What would you like me to weigh?”
“Don’t get me wrong. You’re doing better than most. But I’d prefer you stick to 175, your late 2013 weight.”
“That was my weight early in this morning, naked, after a good trip to the bathroom. Your nurse puts me on the scales wearing my dress shoes, with my phone and wallet in my pockets. And… I just ate lunch!”
He was unmoved.
That night I watched what I ate. I went to sleep at 176.4. The next morning, I jumped on my Walmart scale and had shot up to 177.2! How does that happen? I had eaten nothing! I had gone to the bathroom! I was in the buff.
A friend at work suggested that perhaps I was a sleep eater. He saw a show on TNT.
“You really should consider a pad lock on your fridge.”
My kids are at camp. There is no food in my kitchen. Unless you can pack the pounds on French’s mustard, I don’t think I’m packing it on while I sleepwalk!
After telling me I was fat, my physician, who could also stand to shed a few lbs., started his annual check of my business. He finished one side and then stopped to chat about the shark attacks on the coast of North Carolina. Mistakenly, I had shared that we had a beach vacation heading our way.
It’s not that I mind conversation while being groped, I actually like to have a relationship with those who intimately touch me. But the pause was disturbing. I was sprawled out, naked as a jaybird, boxers dangling around my feet, and he stopped to catch me up on the daily beat.
My underwear hasn’t spent that much time around my ankles since I made pee-pee in Mrs. Holt’s kindergarten class. Typically they are fully on or fully off. They ain’t hanging out in other places around my being for extended periods of time!
Then it happened, what I’d been dreading since my last physical in November of 2013. He said, “Roll over – toward the wall.”
The last doc to give me a prostate exam had me lean over the table, feet on the floor, hands gripping the table. A friend told me that his physician’s favorite position was on all fours – up on the table, like a four legged animal. That makes me thankful for my physician.
After checking my bladder, colon, prostate, intestines, and esophagus (he has very long fingers), he walked over to the sink and handed me a tissue, one, to clean the vat of Vaseline he left behind. It was like cleaning up the BP oil spill with a hand towel.
Michelle graduates in six years. I don’t know if I’m going to make it. Perhaps I’ll just buy more life insurance. With enough money, certainly my demise wouldn’t bother her too much.