I’d been married to Lisa for 16 years when she passed away at the age of 39 after a short battle with colon cancer. I always thought I’d been an involved father. That changed when my wife died. In many regards, I was lost; not knowing how to complete some of the simplest tasks.
There are many adjectives I could use to describe my wife. She was capable, heading up project after project at home, work, church and in the community. She was an extrovert who made everyone who crossed her path feel like they were the most important person she had talked to that day. She was intelligent, with a strong opinion on politics and religion. She was fiercely loyal to her family, friends, church and to the school where she worked. She laughed at me, a lot, and loved it when she made me laugh.
Lisa loved to shop and could sniff out a sale like a bloodhound following an escaped felon. She loved her girls, encouraging their self esteem and independence. I’m better at the nurturing piece.
I was at my best with her. She was at her best with me. I’ve told people we didn’t have the perfect marriage; but we had the perfect marriage for us.
She was organized and taught us well. She could handle anything and did. The holes she left are large, but she’s here guiding us in many. many ways.
About two weeks after Lisa died, at a very low point for me, I remembered that twice I had promised her that when she could no longer fight, I would take care of the girls. At the time, I was falling down on that promise. Our house had been full of joy, laughter, and dancing for sixteen years. We couldn’t lose that even though we’d lost the heart of our family. I was determined to bring those things back. And with three great kids and an incredible uncle, I think we’ve done pretty well.
Obituary
http://www.newsobserver.com/search_results/Elisabeth%20hayes%20Ham
She Looked Fear in the Eye, March 18, 2010
http://www.newsobserver.com/2010/03/18/394316/she-looked-fear-in-the-eye.html#storylink=misearch
Mom2Mom Article
http://www.trianglemom2mom.com/content/hope-later
A League Angel Taken Too Soon
http://www.jlraleigh.org/link_archive/2009-10/theLink_May2010.pdf
http://www.newsobserver.com/2012/06/17/2142859/raleigh-dad-finds-his-stride.html
Helen LaVere
/ January 11, 2011Dear Bruce,
I was complaining about the day off today. The arrival of your blog when I actually had the time to sit down and spend time with you and your family’s love and experiences is truly a blessing. You have done much better than pretty well – with humor and dedication and love. H.
Eva
/ January 11, 2011Amazing! Thanks for sharing and I can’t wait to read the book. You guys are incredible!
Leslie Silverstein
/ January 11, 2011Bruce, I have just finished all that you have written and am smiling all over. I know this has been the toughest journey you have ever taken … But are your girls ever lucky to have you! Keep writing … It truly soothes the soul. Leslie S.
Danny Tanner
/ January 11, 2011Thank you Leslie! Writing has been critically important in this journey. Still don’t like the journey but am glad I found writing as an outlet.
George
/ January 12, 2011Bruce – Hi, we worked together a little bit when I worked in community relations for a large company in the area. I hate getting back in touch this way, but saw of your blog on a mutual friend’s facebook post this week (Dan Bain). Can only say how very moving to see your blog and the incredible way that you and your family are sharing your experiences here. You were always the most positive, sincere and kind people I had the pleasure of crossing paths with years ago and I wanted to just say hello and that I’m sure this blog will be a valuable lesson for many of us. Thank you.
Danny Tanner
/ January 15, 2011good to reconnect!
Lynne Misenheimer
/ January 14, 2011Bruce and Hayes,
As Lisa’s former English teacher and a lover of all things Ham and Permar, I thoroughly laugh, cry,and enjoy your blog. As they grow, three lucky young ladies will remember much about their mom and learn much about their uncle and dad through your poignant words.
Uncle Jesse
/ January 14, 2011Thank you Mrs. Misenheimer! I am trying to stay out of the discussion about where DJ will go to high school next year, but I do remind him that the Permars would put their collection of high school educators up against any, anywhere, ever!
Robin Williams
/ January 14, 2011Bruce and Hayes,
Diane passed this blog onto me and Chuck and I have so enjoyed reading it. I was laughing and crying at the same time. You both are fantastic, funny writers and those 3 girls are so lucky to have you both guiding them through life. I know they miss their mother and she is an impossible act to follow but it sounds like the two of you are doing a wonderful job with grace and humor. We still think about you and pray for you often. Thanks for sharing with us.
Danny Tanner
/ January 14, 2011Thanks for reading Robin. I hope that one day I’ll be in a position emotionally to help others who go through really hard times. We’ll keep throwing stuff out there!
Courtney Thompson
/ January 30, 2011What a wonderful and creative way to express what you all are going through and I think it is courageous. I have not read all of it but what I have read, I have throughly enjoyed. On a side note, I do believe there is a difference between hose and tights.
I was always taught, tights were thicker, but everything you said is dead on with anything that can happen will and how they hang down etc….you are amazing person. Keep the thoughts and stories coming. What an inspiration to many.
Carlin Ham
/ January 31, 2011This blog is amazing! What a great idea!
Bruce, Hayes, and my sweet cousins,
I love you all so very much. I am so proud of you girls, I cannot wait to go to the beach with y’all this summer! Stay strong and beautiful!
P.S. Fluffy, I loved my christmas present:)
hahahaha
Love,
Carlin
Fantastic Forrest
/ February 7, 2011Just found your blog and was touched by this post and the lovely stories about your wife. I wish you and your girls the best.
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
/ February 7, 2011What a touching, deeply saddening event. I cannot imagine it. I hope you find writing lethargic. God Bless!
The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife
/ February 7, 2011Oh my, meant therapeutic, not lethargic. It’s Monday!
Uncle Jesse
/ February 7, 2011You’re forgiven! Like you said…it’s Monday. Thanks for reading!
Tori Nelson
/ February 7, 2011Words can have a pretty miraculous healing power, and I hope blogging has given your family a little bit of that comfort. Your blog is honest, witty, and full of life, I suspect that is just the way Lisa would want it to be!
Great site & Congrats on FP!
Uncle Jesse
/ February 7, 2011Thanks so much! She would probably forbid us from writing anything about her….but overall I think she’d be happy. Thanks for the kind words and for reading.
savvy sister
/ February 7, 2011I am so glad I found this blog. Your daughters are the luckiest girls on earth to have a dad like you. I am glad God is using you as a beacon to show others the way.
As a cancer survivor not a day goes by without thinking someday I will leave my precious family behind and wondering if my husband could carry the weight of it all…..
I am amazed….
Thanks for sharing
Danny Tanner
/ February 7, 2011You’ll be ok. It’s amazing what you discover deep down when you have no other choice. My wife was a strong, strong woman. I finding that maybe she left some of that down here for me!
Laura
/ June 1, 2011Hi Bruce,
My daughter goes to STS and Mrs. Biledeau was telling me about your blog today. I have had your family in my prayers since Lisa passed away. I did not know her well but enough to know she was such an effervescent person! What an incredible job you are doing and I am glad Uncle Jessie is there too!! God bless you all!
Danny Tanner
/ June 1, 2011Thanks Laura. We appreciate the thoughts.
Hillarey Carder
/ June 14, 2011Bruce and Hayes,
I am in awe of both of your strength and find myself giggling at your daily struggles of having 3 girls! I am sure that Lisa is giggling too. Summer in WV was so much fun growing up when the Permar’s came to town. Lisa was my best friend in the summers and I will always remember her as that crazy girl who loved to sing. She would orchestrate broadway musical productions in the grandparent’s back yard and everyone in the neighborhood had a role. She was such a vibrant girl and i’m betting you’ve got 3 girls just like her! So inspired and proud of both of you. You all are welcome in WV anytime.
Hillarey Curry Carder
Danny Tanner
/ June 14, 2011We told stories of summers in WV tonight at our middle daughter’s family birthday party. Sounds like the productions were incredible. Thanks for reading!
The Language Lady
/ November 13, 2011I just found you here! I love Lisa, all of the wonderful memories and your precious family!
Bless you!
Excellent blog!!!
Love,
Pam
Beth Getzelmann
/ December 20, 2011I recently lost my husband who was only 43 he died of a rare strep A virus on December 5th 2011. He was the light of my life, my everything. I am having a hard time going on. He so loved Christmas and LIFE! I still can’t believe that he is gone, maybe I just don’t want to believe it. We are forced to be in this “club” that we didn’t choose! Your story is inspirational to me and I hope that in time I can move on too. I have a 5 yr old son who will be 6 tomorrow and he is the reason I wake up daily.
Beth Getzelmann
sandbgetz@gmail.com
Danny Tanner
/ December 20, 2011Beth – just tried to send you an email – hope it went through. You’re at a tough, tough time. Hopefully we can chat over email.
Stephanie
/ July 25, 2012Hi, I stumbled upon your blog and am just starting to read from the beginning, and already I can tell it’s going to be an inspiring and enlightening experience. I can almost picture your wife in my head, just from the way you describe her in this passage – pretty powerful. Thanks for sharing your story.
Danny Tanner
/ July 26, 2012She was a good, good woman.
Lynne McGuirt
/ October 10, 2012I was brought to your blog by my good friend, Joanna Wells, almost a year and a half ago. As someone who has lost someone very close to them a long time ago (my mom) and also very recently (my dad), I am always touched and comforted by your words. Grief is so personalized, but yet so similar. Days, weeks, months may go by, but when it decides to rear its ugly head, there you are! I truly believe it makes us stronger and more resilient, but the path moving through it is the hardest thing on earth.
I am always touched by your words and your ability to express just how you feel. I hope it has been as cathartic for you as it has been beautiful for us to witness.
Your girls are truly a testament to how strong and solid their mom and dad are/were. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us!
Lynne M.
Simpsonville, SC
Danny Tanner
/ October 12, 2012I really appreciate you reading. Writing has been good for me, and it’s good every now and then to know that others are enjoying the blog too!
Michele Neff Hernandez
/ November 7, 2012Hi Danny, I love your blog and I love that you are a widowed dad writing about life as you live it. I wonder if you’d be willing to chat with me about the work that I do for an organization called Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation? You will find us at sslf dot org and further at camp widow dot org. I know, Camp Widow may sound awful, but it is actually REALLY cool. Anyway you can reach me at micheleh at sslf dot org. And I’d really love to hear from you!
Thank you and all the best to you as you live your next chapter.
Yours in hope,
Michele
Danny Tanner
/ November 8, 2012I just sent you an email. Talk to you soon.
Michele Neff Hernandez
/ November 7, 2012Sorry Danny if you are Bruce? I am confused a little, but would love to talk to the author of the blog…? Thank you!
Lisa
/ February 28, 2013This is beautiful I am sorry for your loss