“Thank you, I’ll just have an orange.”

oranges

Dr. Goldman:  “I think you should go gluten-free for two weeks.  See if it helps.”

Me:  “What can you eat if you’re gluten-free?”

Dr. Goldman:  “Oh, there are lots of things you can eat without gluten.”

That is a lie.  If you go gluten-free, you can only eat oranges.

I returned home, hungry.  I opened the snack drawer.

Wheat thins?  Nope.

Goldfish?  Nope.

Cheese-Its?  Nah.

Maybe I’ll order Chinese tonight – oh no, soy sauce has gluten too.

FRICKIN’ SOY SAUCE HAS GLUTEN.  How can soy sauce be made out of wheat?  It’s insane.

Finally, I purchased some items to make my two week food adventure a possibility.  The new spaghetti noodles looked fine in the package.  When I poured them out of the pot, they had grown.  Not length wise, but in width.  They were bloated – like the woman in the Midol commercial.  And gray – talk about unappetizing.  I felt like I was eating the stuff from Beauty and the Beast, “Try the gray stuff, it’s delicious!”  No, no it’s not.  I’ll just have the sauce which I’m not even sure is g. free.  But I didn’t check because I’d already lost 3 pounds and it was only day two.

I bought some crackers, made from brown rice.  You can’t make crackers out of rice.  I put one in my mouth.  Tasted like a crispy paper towel or an old man’s toenail.

I dipped it in pimento cheese – added jalapenos to cover the yuck.  But I just kept thinking about my grandfather’s feet.  Un.

I haven’t had a beer in 10 days.  I can’t eat lunch meat, my mid day staple.  Bread?  Forget about it.

Went to get dessert with a friend one night last week – bread pudding?  Double chocolate brownie?  Peanut Butter pie?

Nah, I’ll just have nilla ice cream thank you.

I feel like I’m four years old.

I think I’ll just have an orange.  Bought two bags of them.  At least I’ll have my daily allowance of vitamin C.

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11 Comments

  1. And to bake your own gluten free bread without the outcome being a dry brick of shitflour that tastes like shit even with the most delicious cheese .. Mission impossible.

    Thank god for the orange!
    (my standard choice as well when others buy cake to their coffee. Disgusting taste with coffee, but like you said, shooting vitamin C up and away.)

    Reply
  2. GF sucks and I hope you don’t have to stick with it long term–but there is hope. Get rice crackers, they are delicious. Or Tings by the guys who make Pirate Booty. They are like cheetos without the violent orange stuff on them. Soba noodles actually taste good. And you can get GF soy sauce at the grocery store. Stir fry is fast and easy to make at home. The only tricky part is cutting up all the veggies and you have three sets of hands to help you with that. If it turns out you can tolerate some gluten eat breads that naturally ferment like sourdough. The longer rise means more gluten is eaten by the yeast and it is easier to digest. Also, flourless chocolate cake is simple to make and ridiculously delicious.

    When you are feeling really down about it remember you can still eat bacon.

    Reply
  3. I laughed out loud at this because I feel your pain! I tried to go GF and it didn’t work. The first few days are so painful. I know people that swear by how much better it makes you feel, especially if you have a gluten intolerance, but it’s not for the weak 🙂 Good luck!

    Reply
  4. CHICKEN BOG is gluten free and so good… we had it last week. Saute sliced smoked sausage and chopped onions and celery (in butter) and put to the side. Boil a chicken in same pot and keep the broth. Make brown rice from the box (says gluten free) with the chicken broth (you need to have more brother than the box allows, but not TOO MUCH). When rice is almost done, add back in cooked chicken and sausage and veggies. Add lots of salt and pepper to taste. I even add some cajun seasoning. I COULD LIVE OFF THIS (and so could my kids). I don’t have a recipe, but tried to explain the best I can. It’s not hard to do…. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Uh… yeah…. good luck with that!

    Reply
  6. TheTraveller

     /  March 20, 2014

    Have sweet potatoes in the day and protein with every meal 🙂 Whole oats (R35 for 500g) are also gluten free. Just soak them in boiled water for 2+ hours before you prepare them. Coconut and olive oil make good oil replacements. Veg stir fry and dark chocolate. It’ll take a while to adapt but it’ll be WAY more rewarding.

    Reply

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