We had a concealer emergency. Until now, I didn’t know what concealer was, and I had no idea that it could cause me to commit larceny.
The night before dress rehearsal for our big play, which tied up our evenings for 13 days, Stephanie ran into the kitchen with a frantic look on her face.
“Dad, I’m out of concealer! We need to go get some NOW!”
“What? Concealer? Are you doing an art project?”
I was thinking Kilz, the stuff I use to cover up dark patches on the walls before repainting.
“Baby, we’re gonna have to wait to get that when the play is over. We just can’t go shopping right now. Is it for school?”
She was furious.
“This is NOT for art class! Concealer is makeup!”
“Is it for your face?”
“No dad. It’s for my forearm. Of course it’s for my face!” Lisa would have added the word moron at the end of that sentence, but then she didn’t need me to drive her to the makeup store.
“Dad, can you go by Julie’s shop? Today?”
Julie was the lady who taught Stephanie how to put makeup on. I went with her. She painted a T on my kid’s face with a tan glue stick which was the exact same color as Stephanie’s skin. It was like painting a white wall white. Why would you do that? She then smeared the stuff from forehead to chin and from ear to ear. Stephanie looked quite nice when they were done. But she still looked the same color as before.
“I have meetings all day, and I’m sure Julie is closed tonight. Do you really need it? What are you trying to conceal? You look beautiful to me concealerless.”
She glared at me and in a polite way emphasized she needed the goods – and fast.
“I’ll try to get it. Can you find out what time the store closes? Can you get it from Target?”
“No. You cannot get it from Target. It is a certain kind.”
I know one thing about makeup. Target has a bunch of it. But apparently not Miss Hanky Panky’s brand.
Later in the day I received a text.
Dad, Julie is going to leave the key outside. You can pick up the concealer after your meeting tonight. I need light medium.
Do you need light or medium?
I need light medium.
It must be spell check. You keep writing light medium. Which do you need?
I need LIGHT MEDIUM. That is the color.
The name of the color is light medium?
That does not make sense at all.
I did not name it. Would you PLEASE just buy the makeup?
At approximately 10 PM, I drove up to the makeup shop. It is nestled on a side road with a gravel parking lot. The front is all glass. The makeup is on a shelf near the front door. I could see it.
I felt as if I should have been wearing all black. What if a cop drove up?
Hey fella, what are you doing?
Well, I’m trying to get light medium concealer for my daughter. It’s an emergency.
You’ve been smoking dope haven’t you?
I got the door open and used my phone light to read the labels on the tubes.
Dark Dark Light Medium
Medium Dark Extra Light
Where is the light medium???
At the bottom, in a round pencil holder, were two of our glue sticks. I grabbed them. There was no price. I’d call back tomorrow.
I looked both ways, then locked the door.
When I got home, I received a hero’s welcome.
“Thank you daddy. I love you so much!” coupled with a huge hug.
That word daddy. Makes you wanna go back for more.